death is real

I can tell how I'm doing by the things I say to myself.  Lately, I've had trouble with food.

I remember last year, when I got out of the hospital, and I started giving myself a really different attitude about eating.  I used to be ravenous.  I would be afraid of getting hungry at the wrong time.

Some food anxiety, I guess.  Eating before I left the house, keeping a snack with me.  Candy in my bag, a banana to go.

After the ulcer bleed, things felt really different.  Eating was difficult.  I had very little energy, so I couldn't cook.  Breakfast was terrible!  Oh, the problem of breakfast!

I tried to be super gentle with myself--about everything, but especially about food.  I'd talk about it to myself like, "It's ok.  You can go slow.  You could eat just a little bit of that.  No rush.  You can set it aside for a while."

It helped that I was a lot less hungry.  I wanted to listen to myself about what I really wanted to eat.  I was trying to eat iron because I was still very anemic.

It took around a year for my blood to get back to normal.  Praise God it finally did.  I thought maybe it took so long because the ulcer never really healed, so it was still bleeding.  It got smaller I'm sure, but who knows what's going on in there.  Their way of looking in there is very difficult!

Anyway, yeah, I can talk nicely to myself at times.  I make an effort.  I was having trouble taking a shower, for a while, and I tried to tell myself I liked it, smile in the shower, find something to appreciate.
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It's kind of like brainwashing myself, honestly.  Or like training myself, as if I were my own dog?  Arf arf!

That sounds kinda bad, but if it works--why not?  I was talking about dosing, the other day--dosing on positivity.  I wouldn't try to be positive the whole day long.

But if Ming and I gratitude journal for a few minutes, it's nice.  A dose of happiness that I hope can teach me something that lasts longer term.  Help reverberating out.

1.  Ming tends the garden sweetly.
2.  The check I'm waiting for not coming means I can keep having something to look forward to.
3.  I copied the new zine.
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4.  I have ideas and plans, and I love them, even when I can't do them yet, like that album I want to listen to, or looking at old pictures of my mom.
5.  I got these cute tiered skirts that are nice over bike shorts and won't go in my chain.
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<--understatement p="">Thank you for helping me be who I am and do what I need to do.
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