the question is the answer

They say hindsight is 20-20, but I look back on lots and lots of stupid things I've done and can't decide what I should have done differently.

Should I have said goodbye to that asshole after two months?  Four months?  When did the bad behavior get bad enough?  There are a lot of points where I could / should have made a different decision.

Everyone else seems to know what they should have done differently.  But I see everything all connected, like a huge spider web covered in dew, the cranky spider scowling in a corner, saying, "Don't fuck with my web."

How could I change one thing without changing everything?  I know it's a thought experiment.  I'm trying to learn from my mistakes and see what I could have done better, so I can feel ok about the future.  I should forget about the spider.

The good and bad is all mixed together.  I might have a better idea in a few years.  I can curse the day I met someone.  But really, I needed certain things they gave me, which is why I jumped into it in the first place.

I really have no idea, what I should have done differently.  Maybe I need some special past-glasses.  Hindsight seems like I'm legally blind, honestly.

This morning I was lying in bed, crying-scared of my own feelings, the vulnerability and trusting people.  Loving people.  I was touching my own arms and telling myself, "You're ok.  Your feelings are ok.  I trust you.  I trust your feelings--you're good."

I was listening to me say these things to me, and having a hard time believing myself, honestly.  I've led myself down some really shady paths.  I'm talking maximum shady.  I'm telling you--the trees were thick and curved all the way over the path menacingly.  It was a very scary path tunnel in the dark.  The moonlight was not really getting thru.

I want to say my mistakes were learning experiences, I'm glad for what I learned, and I'm stronger now.  Lots of optimistic cliches.

But can I trust myself, with myself?  I guess I don't really have a choice.

I was trying to explain to a stranger on a zoom, the other day, how if you have a fault, you can embrace your fault and it can be your strength.  I'm really into how the problem is the solution.  Two sides of a coin.

If you're really bad at tense, in stories, then write stories where flashbacks and regular time are all mixed together, and make it a lovely feature, rather than a flaw, right?  Become the queen of that.  Be the expert on messing up the tense, until there's a wikipedia article about mixing up tense that cites you.

If I am too emotional and make weird choices and get in to trouble too much, could that be my feature?  Maybe I can say that's me, it's ok, apologize a lot afterward, to everyone who watched me drag myself thru the mud, and start over.

Another strength I have is my resilient naivety.   Or naive resilience.

Well, sorry to everyone who's watched me drag myself thru the mud.  Thank you for forgiving me and smiling appreciatively afterward.