dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Jerry Zawada

Our friend Jerry died this morning.



This morning I went to chair yoga.  I like my body and it works well.  I didn't get a hug from the teacher this time, which was a little sad.  Lots of people were trying to come in the door for the next class.

Yesterday morning at my aunt's house I played piano a little bit.  Felt both good and anxious at the same time.  Then we washed, rinsed, rolled, and halved lemons from her tree while Ming did yardwork for my uncle.

Oh, I already posted my lemon pic.  Forgot.

Been writing lotsa poems.  Enjoying friendship.

Ming is the best spouse because he does dishes, loves me, is endlessly patient, supports me, drives me around, hefts and unhefts my suitcase, opens doors, smiles, is devoted and loyal, gives me freedom, listens, cares, and is not a fucked up person.  Yay!

Monday, July 24, 2017

crafts, lemons

Sunday, July 23, 2017

all the dead commentators lift their heads

There's a sentence from a Rumi poem, something like "You say the first line of the Koran and all the dead commentators lift their heads."  I tried googling it and can't find it.  What the fudge.  It's from my favorite Coleman Barks book, Like This.

Ming's sleeping lightly.  I would sing quietly along with this music and he would wake up, stir, fall back asleep.

Today we went to the Obon Festival.  I caught a few minutes of taiko, which was my favorite part.  While my relatives were still parking.  The crowds stressed me out.  It's hard work, being a person.


Yesterday evening I txted with a friend for an hour who I had never txted with for an hour.  It was fun, and fun is underrated--especially when we talked about grackles.  He'd had a pet grackle named Ruffles who liked to eat bees.

People are liking the book.  So far like four people, but that's four out of four.

It's 6:11 and the world is waking up.  I can smell morning coming through the open window.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

egged on

Our car got egged last night.  Ming feels worried it might escalate.  We think it's our bumper stickers.

"Do you want to take off our bumper stickers?" I asked Ming.  He said no.  It's probably the TRANS LIVES MATTER one.

"Damn republicans!" Mom said.

Friday, July 21, 2017

new book: keeping the x


This was a fun project, writing xmas poems to one another for seven years. Ellen collected the poems, prompts, email bits about the process, and we drew drawings to go with the text. It all turned out beautiful. Thank you to Ellen for a gorgeous handmade book!

what happens in Goleta stays in Goleta

Yesterday we did yoga again and I got sore.  Ming got sore.  He wanted to go to an evening class to get the hair of the dog that bit him.  I said he should only do yoga once a day.  I said his body needed to recuperate.  Maybe I was projecting.

"The solution to yoga?  More yoga!" I joked.

I got some wonderful emails this morning.  Glasgow, Las Vegas, Goleta.  Thank you, friends.

Thursday, July 20, 2017


chair yoga, mythological figure, turtle bracelets

So we have done chair yoga twice at Yoga Shine in Nipomo.  You may think chair yoga is easy, or chair yoga is not real yoga.  You would be wrong.  We have a great teacher.  She goes fast, but the class is only an hour.  She's trying to cram a lot of yoga into a small amount of time.

My favorite part of class is the teacher hugging me at the end.  You know me.  I'm crazy for hugs.  Also today during Shivasana she pushed on my shoulders and touched my forehead for a while.  Love it.

I got an email this morning from someone very important to my past.  He is like a mythological figure at this point.  Someone who changed my life in a big way.  I have known him since I was 13.  He lives in Scotland now.  He was my philosophy professor.  I think he wants me to worship him more.

Will I participate, collaborate, play along?  I talked to Ming about it.  I want it to be a happy thing.

After yoga I told Ming I was loose as a baby.  My body feels good, and I feel healthy.  I hope I really am.  I'm afraid diabetes is inevitable.

Now we're at our favorite cafe, and I have jasmine bliss kombucha.  Ming has new shoes.  We're wearing our turtle bracelets and all is well.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

rogue dream

Do you ever have a dream and are like, that dream couldn't have come from my head?  Like someone else's dream got in your head somehow.  That happened to me last night.  Or maybe it was from a past life.  It was a war dream.

Today we're traveling south to see my bestie and pick up the books.  Hurray!  Will announce the book release soon.

green tea extract

I don't know if it's the green tea extract or a coincidence, but I am having trouble sleeping.  Is this what I wanted?  It's kind of nice.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017


This morning we went to yoga class.  It was my first yoga class in years.  It was chair yoga.  I loved it.  In the past my back has sometimes tightened up during Shivasana, but my back feels great today.

The teacher didn't bat an eye at my fatness.  I was the only fat one.  I thought it might be distracting to have Ming there, but it was fine.

Afterward the teacher and I hugged.  It was her birthday.  We sang to her.

They said it was their biggest class ever.  But the space is large and I didn't feel cramped at all.

Also in the news, I bought some vegan green tea extract at Trader Joe's.  My energy level is so low, and sleeping 12 hrs a night is getting old.  So maybe this will help.  I took it for the first time a little while ago.  Wish me retro-luck.

Monday, July 17, 2017


every day

Yesterday it was hot, for here.  We went to our favorite cafe in SLO.  I wrote some letters and drank mango iced tea.  Ming had grapefruit kombucha and sweet potato fries.

In the afternoon, Ming went to yoga class.  I hung out at a Starbux.  I guess I wrote more letters.

Tomorrow I'll go to chair yoga.  Will it be us with a buncha elders?  I'll let you know.

I have a new philosophy of walking slow but further.  I have been doing the neck and shoulder stretches that A taught me every day.

Sunday, July 16, 2017


Yesterday in the morning we went to a park.  As we drove back to the house, a big truck passed us really fast.  We thought he was in a huge hurry.  Then at the intersection we were stopped at a red.  When the light turned green, the guy in the big truck yelled "Donald Trump!" and sped off.

He sounded like he was in pain.  It must be our bumper stickers.  I've had a lot of things yelled at me from big trucks.  Ming seemed to be more curious about it than I was, wondering what he meant.

My thoughts were more like, it's a red town in a blue state.  Of course he's angry and hurting.  Feeling threatened by trans people and worried about Audre Lorde.  He doesn't think the only solution is love.  Maybe he thinks the only solution is force, or money, or domination.  I wonder if he'd admit it.

Mom said he was just a white person in a big truck.  She asked if we flipped him off.  I said we ignored him.

In the afternoon we went to the AG farmers market.  The Asian-American guy who's at the end gave me a green pluot to try.  It was tasty.  We went into an apothecary store and bought a salt spoon, which we needed.  We looked at herb books.  Ming looked up the healing properties of yarrow.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

cat midwives

Here at the undisclosed location, the marine layer is lovely.

Last night we went to dinner at Plenty on Bell in Los Alamos.  It was fun but all their dishes were not vegetarian.  I ended up getting the grilled cheese, which I wonder if it was the kid's plate.

In the night I had a dream I was reading this article about a group of feral cats who became midwives for other animals.  When I woke up, I laughed.

Friday, July 14, 2017

miles and miles and miles and miles

This is Ming's record of how much I drove yesterday.  I drive a little now.

creepy animals

More shit hit more fans, this morning, and I think I lost a friend.  But you know what?  There are other fish in the sea.  Lower-drama fish.

I talked to J, who comforted me, telling me about my integrity and how actions speak louder than worms.  Words, I mean.

We went to the store where Ming bought grapes that don't have spiders in them.

It reminds me of the saying...They'll forget what you said, and they'll forget what you did, but they'll never forget the way you made them feel.  Or that time you put ants in their bed.  I like that one.

Thursday, July 13, 2017


full of light

We've had automotive trauma.  But let's forget about it.  We're at the barstow panera.  I drove the last 20 miles or so.  I did great.

Yesterday our friend A came over, the massage therapist.  We talked in the kitchen, messed around in the garden.  He uncovered many plants buried in weeds.  It was like a metaphor.  He found yerba buena, and I was excited.  He took some for his own garden, pots on a patio.

There were so many grapes on the grapevine.  We harvested them.  They're good but the bunches were full of small spiders.

Then he worked on my pinched nerve.  I had to really trust him.  He taught me some stretches.  We talked about breathing.  He's a bhakti yogi, full of light.  He chants Hare Krishna, wears a mala.  We are on the same page.

I asked him what his necklace was.  I thought it was Don Quixote.  "Today, Hanuman," he said.  He asked me what goddess was my necklace.  I told him the Virgin of Guadalupe.

"I love her," I said.  He didn't know what Hanuman was holding in one of his hands, and I guessed chamara, a ceremonial yak tail.  It looked like that.

R was fixing the swamp coolers.  He went to the store and got some of the mat material.  He cut it to size, climbed on the roofs.  The sky was full of pink clouds and god light.  Later, when it was dark, lightning flashed again and again.

A thought it was going to rain.  I didn't.

What an evening.  J was there too.  We gave him an oregano leaf to try, a yerba buena leaf.  He sat on a milk crate.  He's an elder now.

I was up late, overstimulated and hearing voices.  Then we got up around 3 and left home at 4:22.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

the potholder

Our car, Doug said he fixed it, but it had a horrible smell, bad fumes, and we returned it to him.  He did the other injectors and we picked it up.  It was fine for a few miles.  Then there was a bad fuel smell again, and it started lurching while idling and decelerating.  The check engine light came on.

So he said to bring it back, and Ming's returning it to him at 8 this morning.

It's been a rollercoaster of happiness when it's fixed and pain when it's broken.  I just want to have a functional Echo again and get out of town.

But it rained a little yesterday with thunder, and the day before too.  It's only supposed to be 104 today.  Much better than 112.

I made the new Catholic Worker job zine.  I have some of them bound.  I hope everybody likes it.  It's called the potholder.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


Things are fluxy again.  The car might not need a new engine after all.  We are still stuck in Vegas.  Yesterday there was a little rain and thunder.  It cooled off to 101, which felt great--how strange.

A former friend who unfriended me months ago wants to be facebook friends again because he's looking for a place to stay.  I feel incredulous, and my heart is closed.

Do I want to have a closed heart?  No.  Do I want to protect myself?  Yes.  I haven't read his message yet.

Well, I should go outside while it's still in the 80s.

Monday, July 10, 2017


Our sweet little Echo's engine is kaput and we are trying to figure out what to do.  Once it's a decent hour, Ming will call our regular mechanic Doug to see how much he'll charge to put in a new or used or rebuilt engine.  If it's too much, we'll junk the car and buy a new one, is the idea.

I feel overwhelmed.  I also feel sad and in pain.  Ming says cars represent freedom.  I love / loved that car.  I don't want to go through the stress of buying a used car and all that fear from carrying around $4000 cash and not knowing if we'll get robbed.  You know?

So I feel crappy.  I tried dancing this morning for exercise but could barely get moving.

Meanwhile there are two fires burning in my homeland.  Mom has to deal with bad air and lotsa ash.  And my bestie near Santa Barbara might be evacuated.  They could see the flames from her parents' bedroom window.  She is an archivist and has lots of stuff that's dear to her.  So it must be terrible to try to decide what to evacuate with.

Ming's got his new trilobite shirt on.  "Are you ready for tons of people to ask you, 'Is that a horseshoe crab?'" I asked him.

Sunday, July 09, 2017

purple purse

Here's a pic of my purple purse from the swap meet.  I love it.  It's small.

automotive trauma

The fuel pump was not the problem, or else there are multiple problems, because they changed the fuel pump and the car's still broken.  Seems more broken than before--it's only running on two cylinders.  Sounds really bad.  We've already racked up $436 and they seem far from done.

Yesterday evening our friends J and G gave me a ride to the Radical Mental Health Collective meeting.  It was really nice of them.  Ming ended up getting a Lyft.  The meeting was fewer people this time.  There was no food.  I didn't have the easel.

But we got things done.  We took a picture.  There were some hugs.

Now we're waiting for the mechanics to finish fixing our car.  Poor little Echo.

Saturday, July 08, 2017


We are stuck at a Pep Boys waiting for them to finish changing out our fuel pump which I am not even sure is the problem. But they say they are sure. It's been four hours. I give their waiting room air conditioning two thumbs up.

Friday, July 07, 2017

cool cool

Yesterday we went to the library for a couple hours.  It was nice and cool.  I wrote letters and wrote in my journal.

Now's breakfast time and we don't have good breakfast foods.  We will only be here two more days.

Thursday, July 06, 2017


Yesterday in the afternoon I got really hot and suffered, lying in bed with two fans blowing on me, wondering if I was going to die.  It was 92 degrees in our house, with both swamp coolers going.  I needed a way to get cool but was at a loss.  I got overheated in the car when we turned off the air conditioner because the car was accelerating sluggishly.

Then I dozed a little and felt somewhat better.  Got up and ate some dinner--english muffin, yogurt.

This morning Ming has gone to serve the hungry with Catholic Worker.  It's hotdog day.  There's lots to do, like folding appeal letters.  We have peace vigil at 9 and then I have a doctors appointment then Ming has one.

I was in a drugstore and a little larva bit me on my wrist.  It was like a ladybug larva but white with green, I think, as opposed to black with orange.  It hurt a little.  Since then it's been itchy.  It's been three days.  The spot you can't even see something's wrong, but there's a bump if you feel it with your fingers.

Today's supposed to hit 112 again.  It's bad to be home.