dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

a decision maker's angry complaints

My blog is a good place to complain.  Let me begin.

1.  Some people were supposed to be served breakfast.  But the person who was supposed to serve them never showed up, and Ming (the backup) was at a doctor's appointment and bread pick up.  So I felt awkward like I should serve them, but I never agreed to do that.  I was angry and torn.

2.  Ming was running late and told me in a text "will be right back" then showed up an hour later.  In my world, "right back" isn't an hour later.  He needs to become more accurate.  I was angry and hurt.

3.  Some asshat called looking for R.  R is not here.  Then he said, "I've been talking to a woman in the San Francisco area--I'll call her," and hung up on me.  He didn't like the sound of me.  Then he called back, and I realized the woman in the San Francisco area was Ming!  Not a woman, not in the San Francisco area, jackass.  Like people can't move with a phone number.  He was rude, condescending, and treated me like I was worthless.  I wanted to hang up on him, but it was a NDE thing so I didn't.  I let him blather for a while.  He wants to talk to decision makers.  I guess I sound too young to be a decision maker?  I'm 40 years old.  He can go fly a kite.

grapevine, sticker



the cutest ice tray in the world

Well, I finished a new functionally ill.  I feel good about it though the cover's weird.  I'll show you another day.

Ming has a doctor's appointment.  King Ron will go with him, and then he'll cook lunch for the Shut Down Creechers.  Then Ming and King Ron will go out to Camp Justice to serve lunch.

I cooked up eight cups of quinoa last night, for lunch, and I hope it's enough.

Yesterday Ming was crying as he read the final draft of my zine.  I never really figured out why he was crying.

We have the cutest ice tray in the world.  It's raspberry pink and has a cover.  Formerly we were no-ice people.  We had bad experiences with ice.  Times have changed.


Monday, April 24, 2017

win

I made a proposal and it went through.  I asked for $100 but Ming changed it to $200 and he got what he asked for, so I'm stoked about that!  When in doubt, ask for more!

I worked on the new functionally ill yesterday then went out to the desert with Ming and King Ron.  We ate dinner with friends for Shut Down Creech.  Someone kissed me on the cheek unexpectedly.  I shoulda got out of the car.

I met a pretty cat called Opal Eyes.

I had a headache and we left sooner than I thought we would.

Today Ming and I have a date.  But I don't know what time.

Good wishes to you, earthlings and any friends in outer space.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

foamcore

Someone spilled coffee all over Ming's PROTECT THE SACRED sign I made for him, ruining it, when we weren't here.  What kind of asshole would do that and not say sorry?  Two drips of coffee got on my THE ONLY SOLUTION IS LOVE sign, ruining it also, I think.  We need more foamcore.

I have a headache.  Ming and I picked up a friend and helped her jump her car.  Then she followed us here to use our wifi to get directions to the Berniecrat party she's going to.  Then she left.

Looks kind of like rain out there.  H is playing a game on his phone, outside.  I can hear the side effects from here.  No, sound effects.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

philosophy game

I played a philosophy game my bestie told me about.  Loved it.  You should play too!

http://www2.open.ac.uk/openlearn/philosophy/castle-forest-island-sea.html

It took longer than I thought it would, was fun, and had fewer moral dilemmas than I thought it would.

vaguebooking

This morning we served the hungry.  Then met.  It was a pretty usual Saturday morning, only few volunteers showed up so we were a skeleton crew.  Which makes me think of skeletons sailing a pirate ship.  We weren't skeletons sailing a pirate ship.  We were mostly Catholic Workers.

Now Ming's out at a March for Science which isn't actually a march, here--it's a rally in the arts district.  Sounds like a headache.  He went with friends.

I feel like some things are in flux and it will be interesting to see how they turn out.  How's that for vaguebooking?


Friday, April 21, 2017

King Ron at Salvadoreno


peace of mind

Yesterday was a board meeting for NDE.  They always throw me off.  They happen just twice a year.  Afterward we went to Japanese curry and boba as a treat with our friend B.  Last night I slept almost 12 hrs.  I was having a good dream this morning I didn't want to wake up from.

Now I have tea and am waking up.  Today Ming gets interviewed by a journalist about the upcoming street medic training.  I won't be here.

Our houseguest is gone.  Ming cleaned up after him this morning.  So things are different now.

My friend L in Manchester translated something for me.  Another friend wrote some Korean on a postcard to me.  It says, "I will give you peace of mind."

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

my plan

At the panera halfway? between home and our undisclosed location.  I got some hot tea but the water was just warm so the tea didn't readily brew, so Ming got me new hot water.  And a new tea bag.  It's green but has honey in it already like in the bag.  Honey granules?  It was the only green they had.

We happen to be here at lunchtime, and the place is pretty full.  We're usually here at awkward times.

I long for beauty in my life, more art.  More color.

My right ear started hurting yesterday in the stormy weather.  I'm afraid I should go to the doctor, but maybe the dryness of desert will cure me?

Yesterday we went to a botanic garden at a San Luis park.  We stopped in, looking for a bathroom.  Near the dog park we heard goats mewing--baa-ing?  Meh-ing.  Neighing?  But we never investigated.  We left.

In the summer we can explore better.  In the summer we can do lots.  I look forward to it and am coming to understand living in two places.

Worker in a reflective vest sat near us and paid attention when Ming asked me about Friday plans.  The reporter wants to speak with Ming on Friday morning so I better figure out my plan.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

needle

I feel like I'm tackling difficult ideas.  I feel like my life's really good right now, but there's something needling me.  The recent Sacred Peace Walk was stressful, and we return home tomorrow.  Long car drives are stressful.  Then a board meeting.  A friend is suffering.  Dad is still gone.

Last night Mom and I were talking about our Dad dreams.  In one she was eating lobster at the mall and Dad wanted some.

This morning it's rainy.  We parked and someone was sleeping in a doorway.  Maybe we woke him because, as we paid for parking, he gathered up his blanket, stuffed it into his bag, and was on his way.

People wearing nice clothes.  My clothes are boring.  I just can't be bothered to wear anything but jeans and a teeshirt.  I can't even be bothered to wear earrings.  A necklace sometimes.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Easter


Saturday, April 15, 2017

love you


Today we had all sorts of fun.  Then I napped three hours.  Here's me and Mom.

pineapple plants


Friday, April 14, 2017

Morrissey gets away with shit, muffin distraction, Ming eats squid

We are at the Barstow panera taking a break on our way to the undisclosed location.  "First of the Gang to Die" by Morrissey just played but a weird adult contemporary version sung by someone else.  I kind of like that song--I know it well--but it glorifies violence.  Somehow I can accept that more with Morrissey singing.

I ate a bite of Ming's blueberry muffin and it was so heavenly I'm distracted.

Ming likes taking pictures of his food and seeing if this nutrition app on his phone knows what it is.  This morning at Mad Greek the app correctly identified kalamarakia!


Ming would like you to know he only eats squid, meatwise.  We talked about bycatch, and he always says they have short lifespans so don't pick up as much heavy metal.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

a blur

Right now the Walkers are having a foot washing ceremony in the tunnels by the test site.  Then they'll cross the line.  Then they'll have lunch.  Well, some people will leave before lunch.  Then they'll have a closing circle.

Then some people will go home but some people will stay here.  King Ron will make a dinner.  I need to buy ingredients.  And remind King Ron that he's cooking.

So this afternoon there will be people here again.  But tomorrow morning we blow town.

Yesterday after my doctor's appointment I rested a lot and slept.  It's kind of a blur.  This whole week is.

Well, I remember some moments.  Mostly when I got closer and closer to a panic attack and was nearing the end of my rope.  I thought of phoning a friend or relative but could never decide who.  Then it mostly passed.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

too dysfunctional

It's Wednesday--tomorrow the Sacred Peace Walk is over.  I have received some good hugs.

Tomorrow Ming and I serve lunch.  Originally I wanted to go out super early for the sunrise ceremony, but I think I've changed my mind.

Ming wants more Peace Walk than I do.  I need a lot of rest and time away to stay happy and well.  He isn't like me.

Last night we finished the grant application that's been needling me.  They needed seven copies of everything.  I assembled the packets.  I packaged them up.

The cucumber didn't last outside its protective sleeve of plastic.  It seemed to freeze.  My flowers are dying more and more.  I feel too dysfunctional to pick out the dead ones to compost.

Monday, April 10, 2017

next

It's very busy and a bit cold.  Last night some people slept over and this morning they left early for the desert.

I didn't have a complete list for the breakfast deliverers and they had to turn around and return for a few things.  Hardboiled eggs, raisins for the oatmeal.  I felt bad.

Now for some reason Ming doesn't like drying sheets on the line, so he's gone to the Worker to use the drier.

I feel anxious about trying to find vegan pupusas to order for Wednesday dinner.  I think last year people just assumed the bean ones were vegan, bad assumption.

It's no longer the beginning of the Sacred Peace Walk.  We're moving through it.  Last night we picked someone up at the airport just after midnight.

I have to think about the blueberry muffins, the potato burritos.  What's coming up next.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

I love you, Laura-Marie

I have a moment.  The peacewalkers are mostly out in the desert.

Ming is with them.  He'll come home to help me with lunch prep in a couple hours.  And our friend is doing lunch, but Ming's going with him.  But I'm not.

It's going pretty well so far.  No calamities or emergencies.  Ming woke me up last night around 11 to get me to proofread a press release.

Last night I had some time alone.  I lay in bed practicing good self-talk.  I tried to have a loving attitude to myself.  I napped then slept.

I cut celery into stix.  I sliced tomatoes and bell peppers.  I washed broccoli.  I'm living a life of service, to put it romantically.

Yesterday after lunch, we cleaned up, then J and I sat outside and talked.  We were joined by Ming and J's spouse G.  It was the perfect temperature out.  We were relaxed after hard work.  We talked and talked, smiling and laughing.  It was restful, but they're still people, so I needed to get away.

This morning I've had a bagel.  It's good to rest.

Friday, April 07, 2017

handmade bowls

Today the Sacred Peace Walk begins with orientation at 3.  I made breakfast: steel cut oats, the slow-cooking kind, and scrambled eggs.  Only four people have eaten so far.  We have beautiful handmade bowls, the seconds from the Empty Bowl event.  But they are so beautiful I would never know their flaws.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

it's official

It's officially crazy time.  Soon we leave for our weekly peace vigil.  We have a Costco shop where we buy produce, lotsa veg.  Ming's going to the doctor with our friend who newly has cancer.  Then we have a prayer meeting.  Then at 10 we're delivering ingredients to a cook.  Yep, 10pm.

What can I do to keep myself well during this crazy time?  Lots of breaks, lots of smiles.  Self-care things like writing.  Hugs.  Sleep.

Wednesday, April 05, 2017

mouse in the house

Gmorning.  Yesterday I did a lot of logisticating.  Then we cooked for ten.  Ming did all the chopping.  I was the brains and he was the brawn.

It ended up being lentil soup, yummy brown rice with peas, and asparagus.  Someone else brought strawberries.

Then we had a food meeting with our friend M who just retired.  I have a card for him, but in all the rush and hubbub, I forgot to give it to him.  It's very cheerful.

Now my throat hurts and I'm worried I'm sick.

We had a mouse, but it was in this cart, and Ming put the cart outside, last night, and the mouse jumped out and ran away.

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

pain

When people are doing work, there can be friction.  Moods, feelings.  Just different ways of doing things.  And we can get on each other's nerves.  Stress can compound it.

So I shouldn't be surprised when people drive me crazy.

Yesterday I found out a good friend unfriended me on facebook.  I had spent hours listening to him and hand-holding and supporting him.  So it feels like a slap in the face.  He is biting the hand that fed him.  He moved away.

I think he couldn't handle something unknown I said or did, or maybe he just wanted to lash out in one of the few ways he could.

Anyway, it's kind of devastating.  I went above and beyond the call of duty with his mail, for example--he got mail here and I figured out his current address and sent it to him.  We sent him a care package of vegan food, when he first moved away and thought he was coming back.

He unfriended our matriarch J too.  He has a black & white view of the world, where people are good or bad, and I guess I got put on the bad list somehow.  But I think he feels pretty powerless, and unfriending the people who have loved him and helped him is his way of having power.

Long ago I told J, "He's like a teenager, and teenagers take their families for granted and treat them like shit."  He was 23 at the time, not really a teenager but still acting like one.  But we were not his real family, just the people who took care of him every day.

Monday, April 03, 2017

things fall apart

Monday again.  Yesterday I was really grumpy working on a grant.  I got through the hard part and was happy, but I need to do the rest of it too.

I have a little apple juice in a little glass.  It tastes like childhood.  A summer when my aunt babysat us a lot.

"You can write about how someone tried to repair Quan Yin with cement.  That was kind of a fail," Ming said.  And the fence blew down in the windstorm.  And the lid on the compost bin snapped again.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

inappropriate to blog about

I'm flooded with memories that wouldn't be appropriate to blog about: the time we took D to my church for the annual putting up of the Christmas lights.  When we had snack time with Swami afterward and someone caught a glimpse of an expiration date, showing it to the rest of us.

It had expired months before, the pastries or whatever, and I thought, "Well maybe they were frozen for a while."  You never know.

And I'm thinking about a time we were at Earth Abides Catholic Worker Farm and M said some critters had invaded the quinoa and were we squeamish about that.  Yes, I was fuckin' squeamish.  No way in hell I'm intentionally eating critters.

See, is that good blogging?  No, it's too gross.  Sorry about that.

This morning I read some zines and did some writing.  Did some logisticating.  I guess that's not really a word, but we use it, in our family.

"How's the mango salsa?" I asked Ming.

"It's pretty good," he said.