dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Saturday, February 18, 2017

just Saturday

This morning it was raining a lot.  We served the hungry in the rain.  After a while I said, "I've had just about enough of this."  My face was wet and my clothes were wet.  My purple sweatshirt jacket doesn't have a functional hood, so the non-functional or semi-functional hood kept falling off.

Then we helped with dishes.  Then we had a meeting.  Everyone lingered.  We didn't want to go.

Then Ming and I went grocery shopping.  He got double charged for a coffee drink.  I made breakfast and burnt my thumb on the toaster.

My best friend E and I are working on a book together.  It's exciting.  We both believe in it.  I need to write a bio.

I requested some Public Enemy cds from the library and am listening to a documentary on peak oil.

Friday, February 17, 2017

dentist time

Hey, gmorning, reader.  Yesterday I went to the dentist.  My friend G gave me a ride because M was busy with a medical appointment.  My tongue had felt a hole in my molar and I thought a filling fell out.

I hate going to the dentist because they freak me out.  I know almost everyone hates going to the dentist.  But something about it activates my crazy.  It's not that I get paranoid.  It's just my anxiety goes thru the roof and I lie there gripping the arm rests and talking to myself in my head.

You're doing great, Laura-Marie.  These are good people.  They want to help you.  You're doing great.

It's repetitive.  Also yesterday I sometimes counted from one to ten.  I concentrated on breathing.  Yes, my filling had fallen out and they put in a new one.  My dentist doesn't talk casually.  He told me a few times what he was doing in my mouth, but it was all business.  That's fine with me.

Maybe he's like that with everyone, or maybe it's for me, the royally freaked out person.  Anyway, I survived.

My friend G was feeding sunflower seeds to a mockingbird.  He drove me home, where I made rice and waited for Ming to come home.  He was really late and had communicated poorly through text.  The cute animals didn't tell me important facts.

Then I went to bed.  I slept for four hours.  Then I got up for a couple hours.  Then I went back to bed and slept all night.  I am a post-stress sleep fiend.

Our friend had a change of plans and can't host us in Phoenix next week.  So I need to make new plans.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017


Mom asked me to help her understand a preschooler song "Love Is Nothing Till You Give It Away."

Love is nothing till you give it away,
give it away,
give it away.
Love is nothing till you give it away
and you end up having more.

Love's just like a shiny penny.
Keep it to yourself and you won't have many.
But if you spend it, you'll have plenty.
You end up having more.

Mom said it didn't make sense because that's not how money works.  If you spend your penny, you don't have any pennies left.

I said it makes sense to me because if you let your money come and go with an attitude of abundance, you find out you have more money after all.

I told Ming all this.  He seemed a bit suspicious.  The whole abundance idea is a very new agey, I think.  It's about attitude.  But if someone's truly in poverty, will a change of attitude help them have more money?  Maybe it's not about attitude--maybe it's about economics, exploitation, and capitalism's failure.

What's the truth?  I've been experimenting with giving more away, and I haven't come to any conclusions yet.  Seems to me that Ming and I are good with money and have enough though we live on little.  Anyone who lives within their means is rich, right?

Well, I won't get more personal than that.  I wish you all many pennies.

Panera blues

We're at Panera in Barstow.  "We're Going to Be Friends" just played, the song from the Napoleon Dynamite credits.  And it played last time we were here.  Weird, huh.

I facebooked.  I ate a roll.  A worker tried to take my plate several times.  There are breadcrumbs all over the table.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

sausages etc

Ming's gone to Guadalupe.  I sat in the sun in the backyard for a while then gently danced.

Now I don't know what to do.  I'm saving up spoons to make dinner tonight--arroz con gandules and sausages.  Wish me luck, readers.

Monday, February 13, 2017

I don't have narcolepsy

I got really tired and ran out of spoons. I was asocial and avoidant. Now I'm going to bed and tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

special cake

We got the special cake. Mom requested it. I took a bite of hers and a bite of Ming's. How could cake taste that good?

I bought two beaded necklaces at my favorite thrift store. It's an anarchist thrift store in Morro Bay. Some people in there were having a weird conversation about employment, millionaires, and housing.

I lost a filling. My tongue finds a hole in one of my molars. I feel worried. I will call my dentist tomorrow morning.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

haystacks fail

I wanted haystacks. Not actual stacks of hay but the cookies. But I don't eat sugar anymore. So I tried cheating nature. I bought some stevia mixed with sugar.

We made the cookies. The texture is wrong. They're not firming up. The taste is wrong too. There's a bad stevia aftertaste. Mom says it's not an aftertaste--it's a whole time taste. I think we'll toss them. Sadness.

Luckily we have fresh walnuts to console ourselves with. They are the best walnuts I've ever tasted.

Friday, February 10, 2017


Ming ordered a berrylicious croissant that disappointed him.  He said it was like it had only one berry in it. He gave me the final bite. It had a good croissant flavor but only the hint of berry.

I had coconut tea and he had coffee. I was so tired I could sleep but wrote in my journal. There were young adults in the cafe who looked like kids. I was like, is that person old enough to be in a cafe by herself?  Then I would realize she was an adult.

Mom gave me part of her orange. It was delicious. We went to the pharmacy twice. We were responsible adults. I was her bodyguard and Ming was mine.

Thursday, February 09, 2017

pretty fun

Today we journey.  Ming's loading the car.  I feel better.

Last night we went to Boulder City for the Dam Short Film Fest with friends like last year.  But I didn't see the movies.  I sat outside under an oak tree writing a letter.  Then we all went to dinner at a crowded pasta place.  It was pretty fun.

Wednesday, February 08, 2017

gmo omg wtf

I've been a busy bee, typing notes up and making lists and thinking hard.  Lotsa mental work.  I need to get out and move my body.

Tomorrow we go on a trip, and we need to do some stuff today to get ready like pack and clean up.

Ming's been buying some Pringles thinking they're non-GMO but then it turns out they are GMO.  Curses.

Tuesday, February 07, 2017

sorry to Sufie

I've decided I listen to too much Sufjan Stevens.  He's so good.  But it was like I was living in his mind instead of my own mind.  So I'm branching out.

I was listening to the complete album Carrie & Lowell every day.  Plus "The Child With the Star on His Head" a few times a day.  Bad music diet.

This morning I saw my therapist.  She was very validating.  I gave her a zine once.  She never said anything about it.  Maybe she didn't like it?

Once I was talking to my friend R and he said his friend was having a baby and he would invite me to the baby shower.  I said, "No, that guy doesn't like me.  He doesn't want me at his baby shower."

R said, "I'm not going to listen to that nonsense!  He likes you!  Everybody likes you!"  It still makes me laugh, remembering this conversation.

So I'm listening to Sylvan Esso, who make me feel kind of hip and happy.

top 5 things to do instead of lose weight in 2017

small talk

Things like the weather and the sun coming up--they are boring to talk about, right?  But they affect us so much.  I wish talking about the weather was more okay.

The sun came up this morning nicely.  I'm hungry for my breakfast.  Listening to a new Ghost Mice release, their first demo cd.  Everything sounds a little too slow.  But still fresh and wonderful.

Thursday it's supposed to hit 77 degrees--heck.  Spring is sprung.

Monday, February 06, 2017


It's so windy I think the windchimes are going to break.  Bang themselves together so hard they disintegrate.  That kind of wind.  Sometimes I wish I was a filmmaker and could make a windchime movie for you.

I'm wearing my new socks, though, navy blue ones.  I love them.  They're the same kind as some other socks I have so I knew they would fit well and feel great and be very pretty.

The mail came.  My neck's sore.  I want candy.

super bowl

Daylight is on its way.  This morning Ming has an invasive procedure.

Then we go to class.  I feel my class is pointless.  Last week's class got really unfocused.  Also, I don't talk.  Maybe today will be better.

My moods have been bad.  I'm sorry for Ming having to put up with me.

Last night the Catholic Workers watched the super bowl.  Ming and I went for the halftime show, and we saw a couple commercials afterward.  It was overstimulating.  As I was leaving, I announced, "I'm going to return to my bubble."  I don't know how my friends were able to endure it for hours.  I guess they're different from me.

Sunday, February 05, 2017

dream within a dream

Last night I had a dream about my dad.  I picked up the phone to call someone and he was on the line.  I was like, why are you on the phone--you're dead.  He told me I fell for the joke, that he wasn't really dead.

Then I woke up from that dream, but I was in another dream.  I was sleeping with this man and woman.  I tried to wake them up so they could help me.  I tried to say, "Help!" over and over but the words wouldn't come out.

Anyway, bad dreams.  Maybe we'll skip Food Not Bombs this morning and go to Red Rock.  It would be Ming's third day in a row there.  I want to see the fast moving, icy cold creek.  I want to sit by it and look at it for a long time.

Saturday, February 04, 2017

fresh green pasta sauce

Today Ming hiked with a friend N and N's two little kids.  The kids and N went into a fast-moving, icy cold creek.  Overall it was a fun time.  They were in Red Rock at icebox trail.

N is a philosophy professor.  He volunteers at the Catholic Worker on Saturday mornings, sometimes with the elder of his children.

I was sad.  I got some painful mail.  We decided to go for a walk then get some toasted almond slices.  We ended up getting some fresh basil too for a delicious fresh green pasta sauce.  With my perfectly ripe avocado, some olive oil, some lemon juice, garlic, salt...  It was good.

I am less sad but still not up to par.  It's been a moody few weeks.  But I eat more nuts and seeds now.  I've been keen on pumpkin seeds.

I thought I needed one more pair of jeans, but spring seems to have sprung, so maybe it's getting to be time for shorts soon.

I wrote a poem about Freedom House.  It's being renovated.  The house, not the poem.

yesterday at Red Rock

tea, solitude

Gmorning.  We woke up early and served the hungry.  I helped two girl scouts and their moms learn how to serve bread.  Then I ate some pasta.  Then I stood around talking with G.  He was giving me fundraising ideas for the Goddess Temple.

My favorite idea was a book club that meets once a month.  My least-favorite idea was a polar bear event where people pay to jump into the water in winter.  Wtf.

Then I rinsed dishes.  Then we had our Saturday meeting.  Ming left to go hiking.  G gave me a ride home.

Now I have tea and solitude.

Friday, February 03, 2017

not a tinkle

Well, our houseguests suddenly left.  Our friend's grandpa is dying.  So they're off to Long Beach.

I feel upset about something else, something that's been brewing for a long time related to Icarus.  If you know me, you know I love the Icarus Project.  Well, national has cut ties with local, and I feel upset about it.  I no longer love the Icarus Project.  It's now your standard non-profit that exists to maintain itself, not to help people.  I feel sorry for those who get Icarus emails asking for money and fall for it.

Much, much more I could say about that, but I'll complain elsewhere.

It's 70 degrees outside and windy.  The windchimes are bouncing around loudly.  It's not a tinkle.

Thursday, February 02, 2017

apple fritter, my dream, crappy vacuums

This morning Ming bought a donut and some coffee before the vigil.  Then we vigiled.  I talked to my friend J for a long time.  I was cranky, but she made me happy.

Now Ming's going to vacuum the rug.  In my dream there was a very good small vacuum cleaner.  If only I could pull that vacuum cleaner from my dream into real life.

The bane of the nonprofit: crappy vacuum cleaners we can't give up.  No one wanting to buy a new vacuum cleaner.

Wednesday, February 01, 2017

free rosemary

Forgot to tell you we were at Sprouts yesterday (we don't usually go there) and a worker was giving away free non-thriving plants.  She was about to throw them away and invited us to take one.  We took a small rosemary and it's making me happy on the windowsill.


Ming went on a steep hike yesterday with a blind friend E.  I thought E would fall, and in fact he did, but he didn't get hurt.  It was Frenchman Mountain.  It has few plants on it.

I want to make Hungarian mushroom soup, Moosewood recipe.  Bought a lemon for it last night.

We went to a permaculture meeting.  Permaculture makes me happy.  It's a good fit.  We got purple orach seeds and bunching onion seeds.

I want to go to a cafe or something.  Library.  Somewhere to write and read.

This morning I woke up and lay in bed for a while, staring at the window as I like to do.  Thought about how lucky I am.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

blue the color

It's 2.  The computer consultant is here.  I wanted to clean up more but didn't.  I'm embarrassed about how messy my desk is.  I have too many projects.

Bought some stevia and want to make oatmeal haystacks.  Good cookies.

What else was I going to tell you?  I bought expensive sox from amazon with some birthday credit from A.  All different colors.  Blue is one of the colors.

I'm making friends with blue the color.  She and I are getting to be quite close.  I used to hate her.  What a difference 25 years makes.

Monday, January 30, 2017

hiding, dancing

I'm in a phase called hiding.  It's also called dancing.  And I write letters all the time.  So I am hiding from people in person but not in my mind.  I love the friends who are far away, and the near friends too, but...  I better get through this phase soon because visitors will be here Thursday.

Sunday, January 29, 2017


Dang, I could protest full time if I wanted to.  There are so many going on.  Yesterday Ming went to two.

I cooked a lot and used up all my energy cooking then serving.  I didn't have that good of a feeling.  I didn't really want to be there.  It's not ideal.

I want to hide in a blanket fort.

just dreams

Today is bean making day, rice making day.  It's the big cook for Food Not Bombs.  And we're bottom lining it because our friends are in Flagstaff.  So we gotta serve and hang out longer than usual.  It's five pounds of pinto beans.

This morning I woke from complex dreams of having to do all sorts of things, old fashioned, journeys, performances, broken things.  It was hard realizing upon waking that I didn't need to keep struggling.  It was just dreams.