dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Sunday, August 20, 2017


I have felt weird all day.  I was feeling weird even before I got up.  I just wanted to sleep and sleep.

Some new songs for me: "Tire Swing" by Kimya Dawson and "Boys Like Me" by Paul Baribeau.  I'm making progress.  I love those songs...  My left hand fingertips hurt and Ming might share my uke or get his own.

As for now, we're at a nearly-abandoned cafe.  Something was making me sad--the "white lives matter" guys with their torches I saw on Mom's tv this morning.  I had never seen that before.  Creepy!

More than creepy, I guess.  Terrifying.  I am trying to situate myself...

Meanwhile, it's almost time to go back to Vegas.  It makes sense I feel weird.  Or my friend says the eclipse is bringing out everyone's shadow side.  "Is there anything good about the eclipse?" I asked her.  She just went off about Trump.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

apple day


I had my first ukulele lesson yesterday.  The dude said I picked up the chorus of the song  "Dream" faster than anyone else he'd ever seen.  So maybe I am destined for greatness.

This morning I had the brainstorm that I could play Hindu devotional music on my ukulele and my mind was blown at the awesomeness of the thought.  I googled it and saw others do it.  So I can watch their youtube videos.  Yay!

I continue to count the days till we go back to Vegas.  It seems unreal.  I need to visualize it and prepare.

Meanwhile, eclipse.  We are thinking of going to Corrizo Plain for it.

Friday, August 18, 2017

three little birds

Well, I went and did it.  I bought a ukulele.  Well, Ming bought it for me!  He's enabling me to become the folkpunk princess I was born to be.

So far I can sorta play "Three Little Birds."  I did a first lesson on youtube.  I hope my fingers aren't too big.  I have trouble keeping my uke in tune.  I hope I didn't buy a lemon.  It's a $30 yellow diamond head purchased in Lompoc after considerable consternation / on a whim.

"If I become a folkpunk princess, can I wear a frilly dress and a crown?" I asked.

"Yes," Ming said.  "I think it's required."

Thursday, August 17, 2017


This morning was our final chair yoga class.  I was emotional to say goodbye.  They canceled it!  They might start an All Bodies class soon.  But we are leaving in one week.

We are leaving in one week!  We are returning to Las Vegas!  I am counting the days!  I am so excited!  How will things be?  I'm intensely curious--so much so that we need a new word for curious.  The "terrified" of curious.

Right now we're in Lompoc.  We were wondering about Unicor, the place the Forest Service signs come from, and I looked it up--it's prison labor!  Wtf!  I told C and she says, "No factory tour."  That is right.

Yesterday I wrote a poem I really like.  It's called "if I was a grackle."

Today I saw and heard crows at a park near the Lompoc branch of Hancock College.  Those oaks!  So amazing and large!  I wanted to photograph the crows but instead photographed some lizards and trees.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017


My friend C told me the Forest Service signs are made in the same town I was.  I was surprised!

don't believe the hype

Ming and I got some Public Enemy cds out from the library a while back to broaden our musical knowledge and have a good art experience.  This was one of our favorite songs.  We listened to it this morning.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


Hours of conversation, nice foods, seeing the stars so bright when I got up in the middle of the night to pee.  Conifers, all the heart could desire.  Old friendship, new friendship.

Thanks to Ming for long drives, putting up the tent, tearing down the tent...  What a spouse!  I love you!

Sunday, August 13, 2017


I got these words stickers at the dollar store.  They are golden metallic.  There are 268 words!  Well, some of the stickers have short phrases.  So there are more words than that.  I thought they'd be good for sprucing up my outgoing mail.

Yesterday I used one on the envelope of a letter to my friend T in England.  It says "lovely" and Ming saw it.  He said "lovely" in a sarcastic way.

"Don't make fun of my word!" I said.

The stickers are so thick it's like they really are made of metal.  Anyway, we're going camping today and I may not be able to blog for a day or two.  So talk to you soon.

Saturday, August 12, 2017



Ming and I went to Gay Pride here in Santa Maria.  I got a cute free button that says SHE HER HERS.  Ming didn't feel the need to assert his pronouns, apparently.

We also got signs for the NDE bathrooms that say GENDER NEUTRAL.  Same booth--nice people.

"I wonder if there will be protesters," I said beforehand.  This is Santa Maria after all.

Sure enough, as we walked back to the car I saw fliers on people's cars.

"Someone's putting fliers on the cars that say, 'God loves you,'" I told Ming.

"Oh, that's good," Ming said.

"Well, there's some fine print," I added.

Later, after a trip to Trader Joe's for veg, Ming asked me to tell him something hopeful.  The music on our car stereo was a song about Shiva.

"That god's not got any fine print," Ming said.

"Shiva likes that sort of thing," I said.

Friday, August 11, 2017


Ming's phone's not working.  He can txt but not call or receive calls.  He has no bars.  He has no service.

So he's on my phone with verizon getting tech support.

This morning: yoga, letter writing, errands to pick up giftcards for my nephew whose birthday is tomorrow.  I bought him a panda birthday card and took it out of the plastic sleeve and it reeks of chemically plasticy smells.  Yuck.

Tech support stresses me out.  Dunno why.  Ming's reading things off to the tech support person.  I'm afraid he needs a new phone.

I like the breeze.  Did I tell you we're going camping Sunday?  We bought some hippie bug spray at Costco.  We borrowed a tent from my brother.  It's a three-room tent.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Monterey cypress at Waller Park

friendship progress

This morning we did chair yoga.  Afterward my teacher hugged me.  She has so kindly let us into her life.  I guess it's her job, but feels special.

Today we did yoga without music, which was a nice treat.

My brother loaned us a three-room tent.  Ming went to a bar for trivia night.  My bestie came to town.  We saw some nice trees.  We had great conversation.  I feel like we're making progress somehow.  But what's friendship progress?

Wednesday, August 09, 2017


Yesterday I was reading some Ovid.  And I realized I don't know how to say Ovid.  How embarrassing.

So this morning I researched how to say it, and my conclusion is: you can say it however the fuck you want.

I said to Ming, "Let's have a kid just so we can name him Ovid." Of-id.

"I'm going to have a hard time doing that," he replied.


This morning Ming thought it might be raining outside.  I told him it's only big mist.  The marine layer.

Today my bestie is coming to town.  I feel happy and loved.  It has to do with being comforted by her red hair.

This morning Ming has yoga.  Then we have a big shop at Costco.

I feel relaxed yet anxious.  Stable yet emotional.  Healthy with a cough.

Tuesday, August 08, 2017


This morning we went to chair yoga.  There were three students and one teacher.  I liked it--movement then stillness.

Then Ming asked the teacher something I found awkward and I got upset.  I feel tired of his awkwardness affecting me.  I just want a hug.  It's a pattern.

Then we went to Trader Joe's and spent $50.

Then we went to Vallarta's for the type of milk mom likes.

Did I tell you we're camping next week?  We're visiting our friend C.

I ate avocado on a bagel and am trying to regain my equilibrium.

Monday, August 07, 2017


Yesterday we went to Mt Figueroa.  I wrote while Ming hiked.  He didn't like his tech malfunctioning as he hiked.  He got cranky.  I took a couple nice tree pics.  I txted with friends.  The drive had its treacherous moments.  But we were okay.

Today we went to Ventura to see R.  We ate Indian food and walked Main St, looking at things in shops and talking.  It was fun.  We took pictures by a huge magnolia.

On the way home we had a serious conversation about some family crap.  I feel tired of being misunderstood.  How's that for vaguebooking.

Sunday, August 06, 2017


My aunt told my mom, "You think those chiles are hot now, just wait till they turn red."

Mom thought that meant they would get milder when they were red, but it turns out her sister meant the opposite.  "Just wait," like, "You're in for it."

Wtf, English language.


I'm up in the night, sleepy but sleepless with heartburn.  There's no medicine in the cabinet for it, and I'm too stubborn to go to the store with Ming.  I wrote a couple emails.

Wrote a poem today.  I like it.  It's called "home."

I think about home, like where's my home now?

Looks like we're going to Ventura on Monday to see an old friend I've known 27 years or so.  But there were some years we were out of touch.  She is a loyal and kind person.  A reader.  She knows about things unknown to me, like fashion.  And she goes to butcher shops and I think she cooks fancy.  She lived in Berkeley for a long time.  Hi, R, if you're reading.

And we made plans to camp and see our friend in the woods.  I feel excited.  That's next week.  Wish it was sooner.

My brother read my book and said it's fuckin' amazing.  He especially likes the poem about salmon.  He is in it, barfing over the side of the boat.

Ming's sleeping with his cellphone by his side and his closed chromebook on his torso.  He loves his tech.

Saturday, August 05, 2017


Vandenberg vigil today for Ming, the Guadalupe Catholic Workers, and the LA Catholic Workers.  Too many people for me.  It's Hiroshima Day, the anniversary of the bombing.  I'm sorry, Japan.

Friday, August 04, 2017


Gmorning.  Yesterday I was working on a letter to a friend, but I felt so quiet and balanced.  I didn't know what to say.  That's kind of how I feel now.

Yesterday in the evening Mom and I sat on the back patio just looking at the sky, playing with our phones, and talking.  She said hello to a bird.  I took a picture of some clouds.  It was a lovely hour.

Thursday, August 03, 2017


I feel self-conscious at this restaurant.  A buncha people are in line to order.  I had a baked potato and some pesto pasta salad.  And water.  The best thing was the water.

Water is good.

play of life

Gmorning.  We went to chair yoga at 8 in Nipomo.  It was only three of us, including the teacher.  It was good, but Ming says he fell asleep multiple times.  I didn't notice.  Well, he always falls asleep during Shivasana.

Does the teacher know he has narcolepsy?  If she's never been told, she could guess it by now.

Yesterday we had funny conversations.  This morning, awkwardness.  It's the play of life.

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

green man

Fresno chiles grow upsidedown!

pics or it didn't happen

my first vigil at Vandenberg

I've been doing this for a long time.  Twelve years.  I try to keep it upbeat.  I give people a false impression of my life that it's easy.  Well, my life is easy, now, compared to others.

I'm at Starbux while M does yoga and I'm pondering last night's peace vigil at Vandenberg  Air Force Base.  We arrived just before midnight, and our friends were already there, holding a banner.  They had brought signs for us.

Some Japanese journalists were there--a camera man and a thin man in a black suit.  The camera man spoke English without an accent and interviewed our friend D, who was articulate.  I felt good about it.

The missile was scheduled to launch at 12:01, or between 12:01 and 3.  That was the window.  We didn't see it.  But I saw it in my dream--in my dream, it exploded soon after launch.  In real life, I guess everything went normally.  It launched at 2:10.

This morning Ming was saying how our government said about North Korea that of course we had to respond with a show of force after theirs.  Ming asked, "Are there really so few of us who disagree with them?"

"There were four of us," I said.

I had avoided vigils at Vandenberg because my family members have worked there.  It was too close to home.  Last night I finally womaned up.

Tuesday, August 01, 2017

don't believe everything you think

In my dream, girls were living in community and there was some performance they had to do.  Someone was accused of sexual predation, and a decision was made not to talk about it.  Then things got more and more violent.  Big guns for little girls.  It was a nightmare, but it didn't keep coming back through the night like some of my bad dreams do.

What did I want to blog about?  Distracted by a dream.  This morning we did yoga and felt so good.  Then we went to a cafe Ming likes a lot for breakfast.  It was good.  We sat for a long time.  I txted with my friend.

"One Love" came on, which I appreciated.  Later was "Don't Worry, Be Happy" which I hadn't heard in a long time.

I looked up my old bassoon teacher and found out he died last year.  He was 94.  RIP Dr Lee.  I thought he might have been at the Obon festival, and Ming says maybe he was.

Last night as Ming and I lay in bed we talked about where Dad is.  I have lots of thoughts about it.  I think we live with God, who is pure love, and then get sent to Earth for life, and then go back to God.

Ming thinks God is boring and safe, but I said he doesn't understand love if he thinks love is boring.

Well, we talked about it a while.  No conclusions, but it was interesting to see what I think.  I didn't know I thought that stuff.

Monday, July 31, 2017

what's a heart for, but to break?

In my dream, Ming got more chocolate gelato instead of lavender for me.  "Dream fail!" I told him.

I saw that a little girl aged 8 climbed Kilimanjaro and my first thought was, "Some people have way too much money."  Is that fair?  I asked Ming, "How much money do you think it takes to get your kid up Kilimanjaro?"  We think it would take a lot.

I was reading how "clean eating" is giving people eating disorders and thinking how people are going to get eating disorders for whatever reason anyway.  Ming asked me to send him the article.

I wrote a poem yesterday about some Fresno chiles and the friend I would like to give the chiles to.  I've been thinking about Jahaddhatri, gravity, John Dobson, and forces.  Oh and that guy who accidentally worshiped Shiva.

I burned the tip of my right index finger this morning making breakfast.  Ming was craving grilled cheese.  I keep looking at the stingy red oval.