dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Tuesday, October 16, 2018

brake complaint

Doug says we need front and back rotors.  Something like $400.  How did that happen?  We got the brakes done just a few months ago, didn't we?

I have lots of open tabs on my browser, mostly recipes I want to try.  Waiting for an avocado to ripen.  Oh, we're out of tahini.

My friend smokes weed and it helps her distinguish when she is and isn't working.  I was telling Ming I could use something like that.  A relaxing ritual.

I want to make a list of all the foods I like to make because I get the feeling I forgot some.  Then it falls out of my repertoire.

clean beans

Tried putting me on Ming's etsy as a shop member but I thought it'd be easy and it's confusing.

Got some excess guacamole from a facebook friend last night.  I took one bite and could tell it was spoiled.  It was super acidic and sort of bubbly as if carbonated.  Wondered if I would get sick from the one bite, but I feel fine.

Months ago H said we should fix the chairs in the back house because they are so old and breaking.  Everyone ignored him.  But I'm thinking one day I'll sit down and my chair will fold and I might get hurt.  So we should see if someone can fix them.

Dreamt I was having pencil problems.  Finally Rev Rachel offered me the use of her electric pencil sharpener.  I was happy.  I sharpened some pencils.  "Oh, that one will be double-sided," I said when I realized I was sharpening the wrong end.

My black-eyed peas were so clean, not a twig or stone or any dust or dirt.  "Where did you get them?" Ming asked. 

"Winco bulk bins," I said.  "They were cheap.  Well, not super cheap.  Well, maybe.  Considering how many meals you get out of them." 

I think they were a dollar twenty a pound.  Lentils are less, like 89 cents!

I was too lazy to chop an onion or garlic.  Just put salt, garlic powder, and cayenne.  Very good!  They were boiling just before 8 yesterday morning and done by around 11.  Didn't soak them overnight.

Monday, October 15, 2018

garden fantasies

Fall is here.  Cold wind.  I'm making black-eyed peas, a great pleasure. 

Ming is out with a friend all day, dealing with court stuff in Nye County, and it's quiet except for the windchimes and distant traffic.  The hum of the fridge.

The suicidal friend is still alive, this morning.  The radical mental health collective lives on too, for now.  Yesterday R's sister got married.  Life happens.

At D's baby shower, we wrote a lovenote on a piece of wood.  Feels good to want things: fresh salsa, friendship, help organizing my zine collection.  Garden fantasies.  I like figuring out what to do with surplus.

Sunday, October 14, 2018

pumpkin day




bad booksale

The booksale was really bad.  The selection was terrible.  Hardback bestsellers from 20 years ago, guilt trippy cookbooks, beat up children's books...  I looked at a depression memoir but read some pages from the middle and it was trying to be funny and failing.

We have the front door open to let cool air in.  Today is the baby shower, radical mental health, and a late night airport pickup.

Last night we ate the perfect avocado.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

too much

Last night Ming went to a coffeehouse concert our friend sang at.   At the beginning, he was the only person there who wasn't Black.  I went to a different coffeehouse a mile away and wrote letters, ate a cookie.

Three people walked in dressed in medieval costume.  The ren faire was going on across the street.  I liked the lady's wooden staff.

Someone who is a brother to me just told me he and his girlfriend broke up.  I really liked her, so I'm sad.  I wanted her around.  He said he was too much for her.  He still has a lot of her stuff.

"Do you want to ship it to her?" I asked.  She's part Japanese-American and left special teas and seaweed condiments in the Freedom House kitchen.

There's a booksale at a library.  I don't need books but want to go just to see.

I would like to write her (the ex) a beautiful letter.  A love letter.  But that's the thing.  I think I'm too much for her too.

Friday, October 12, 2018

an idea

I feel like things are good.  Things are on track.  My projects, I mean. 

Nevada Desert Experience is going okay, and the Las Vegas Catholic Worker too.  The Las Vegas Radical Mental Health Collective has a meeting on Sunday evening, and I know some people who are coming.

Our political prisoner letter writing group seems defunct, but maybe we'll start up again.

I was thinking of getting a job.  I was thinking of seeing how much I could work and keep my SSI and health insurance.  I could pay off the credit card debt.

Also was thinking of going back to school to become an ESL teacher.  I don't know if I'd need another Master's Degree or what. 

No, I don't really want to go back to school.  It was just an idea.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

out of spoons

I don't wanna see anybody.  I don't wanna go to our weekly peace vigil.  I think it would be my third in a row missed.  I can't handle talking, listening, eye contact, being appropriate, being perceived.  I feel done giving.

Ming is bringing some leftover event fruit to the Catholic Worker.  Hopefully somebody will eat it.

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

bird

I like early morning.  I feel like the world is fresh and things are possible.  Especially now that morning is cool.

A bird is chirping.

Well, the guests have left or are leaving soon.  I see how much I love my life because I see how much I want it back.

Ming took someone to the airport, dropped off some baby clothes for D, and is now serving the hungry.  We will drop someone else off at the airport, and I have therapy at 10.

Tuesday, October 09, 2018

done

Survived the board meeting.

Monday, October 08, 2018

how the workshop went

I need to make the salad, and sandwiches on little dinner rolls, but Ming has the dishwasher going.  But it won't take long.  And wash the apples.

My workshop, I thought I was giving it to five or ten self-selected participants, not the whole room of 30 people.  I felt so vulnerable and couldn't do all I'd planned.

Some things were left behind: Soteria book, signup clipboard, about eight zines.  I thought Ming would get them, when they were cleaning up.

Some people wouldn't make eye contact, and if I was speaking about something difficult or embarrassing to them.  Mental illness has so much baggage. 

Today my friend will be here at 9.  We'll pack his car and go to the goddess temple to serve brunch to peace vigilers.  I'm skipping the vigils.

Sunday, October 07, 2018

sculpture


new Laura-Marie

I'm boiling macaroni for pasta salad and potatoes for potato salad for tomorrow's brunch.  I haven't encountered any out of towners yet--been hiding out.  Our front door is closed.  Last night I slept a lot.  Needed that.

Today will take all my resources.  I'll cook all morning and have community breakfast.  Go to the UU church for theology class.  Then give my workshop at Justice for our Desert.  Hopefully at night I can hide out again.

Definitely feels like fall now.  When the seasons change, I change.  Well, that must happen to everyone.

Saturday, October 06, 2018

drama

Drama at the Worker.  Friction of community.  It's frustrating.  Luckily I'm not involved, this time, but I do have opinions.

I'm making some pasta for breakfast.  Ming is shopping.

Yesterday I read my theology text.  It was kind of difficult.  I liked it.  Thought-provoking.

Tomorrow and Monday is Justice for our Desert.  Ten people are coming from out of town.  I'm giving a radical mental health workshop.  I'm cooking brunch for 30 people for Monday.

Then Tuesday we have a board meeting all day.

So I can relax Wednesday.

Friday, October 05, 2018

angry

I just wanna stay home and be in my safe little cave, writing and taking care of myself.  I resent having to do anything social.  But I also resent how messy the house is. 

It's cooling down.  Yesterday we made new Las Vegas Radical Mental Health Collective fliers with the website urls on them.  They were thirty bucks for 100.

I want to get vegan chicken wings at this place in Summerlin called Wing King.  I've never had them.

I feel so angry I'm afraid of hurting the people I love.  Not physically but lashing out.  I need an attitude adjustment.

what I'm angry about--an incomplete list

1.  the house is too messy
2.  a bunch of people are coming to stay with us
3.  I'm still coughing
4.  the world is not set up for me

Thursday, October 04, 2018

home

Yesterday I made a mistake and was over-social with two out of town visitors and some other friends.  I paid for it in the night with fitful dreams and crazy feelings, overwhelm.  I was up and down all night.

Today I'm not fully recovered, so I stayed home from the weekly peace vigil.  Planned my radical mental health workshop for Justice for our Desert and made a handout.  Drinking water and trying to take it easy.

I just wanna go back to bed.  But I need to go to the printers with Ming when he gets home.  There's a prayer thing this evening at the Worker.  It's the feast day of St Francis of Assisi they say.

Wednesday, October 03, 2018

plans


soyrizo potatoes, Pagan Pride 2018, mermaid

Gmorning.  Yesterday I burned part of the soyrizo when I made soyrizo potatoes, but it tasted great that way!


This was Pagan Pride 2018, hours before the heat exhaustion.


I saw a mermaid near the bee tree.  I said, "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," she said.

"How does it feel to be a mermaid?" I asked.

"Wet," she said.  "Splashy.  And I have these bubbles for the kids."

I smiled at her.  "Do you wanna take a picture?" she asked.

"You mean like a selfie?" I asked.

"Yeah!" she said.

"I haven't taken many selfies in my life," I said.

"Well, there's a first time for everything," she said.


Seemed intimate, to get close to take the selfie with a mermaid I'd barely met.  Later I saw her being wheeled around in a wheelchair.  She had a golden tail instead of legs.

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

red

Got up early for no good reason.  Ming's not hiking today because it's supposed to storm, first rain after summer.  It's a rest day before I get busy and stressed with Justice for our Desert.  Sore from yesterday's yoga.  Got paid, going to buy allergy medicine.

Yesterday Ming went to the pharmacy and I asked him to pick me up some sweet potatoes while he was at the store.  They were out of sweet potatoes!  Also I txted asking for an avocado.  He said the avocados looked weird, that they were red.

Monday, October 01, 2018

shooting anniversary post

Well, the day is here--it's the anniversary of the Las Vegas shooting.  I'm carrying around some pain about it. 

There's this phrase and hashtag "VegasStrong" that I don't understand.  It's supposed to comfort people, like remind us we are united in grief and we'll get through it?  It's never comforted me.  Always made me queasy.  I never felt included. 

Also, there's an organization called Vegas Strong that gathered donated money for victims, and there was a scandal, and I don't know if it was ever resolved.  Nobody really talks about the money.  Seems like a lot of people don't even know about this.

People wearing VegasStrong teeshirts, stickers on cars, signs on businesses.  Billboards for VegasStrong.  I don't relate.  It reminds me of the new Las Vegas sports team, the Golden Knights.  Something like patriotism.  A sense of belonging I don't feel.

So something really happened.  I was not involved.  Then there's all the reactions and feelings and consequences.

The cops--well, all the "first responders"--that's a scandal too.  I heard a cop was outside the shooter's hotel room door for a long time, not busting in to stop him.  I heard it was not handled well, to say the least.

But they are supposed to be heros.  Local businesses give them discounts on smoothies, a free cup of coffee.  The emergency room workers--it must have been a nightmare, but that is their job.  They get paid more money than I'll ever see to do something I never could do.  They get to buy a house, something I'll never experience.  Society has decided I deserve to live on $770 a month, for my disability.  And $15 food stamps.

I don't know the solution to shootings.  I wish I did.  Today there are different vigils and rituals you can go to to express grief or find comfort with others who feel the way you do.  Candlelit vigil, something at a church, something at a spiritual center.  My feelings don't seem neat or appropriate.

I believe in love.  I run the Las Vegas Radical Mental Health Collective.  I doubt I could have loved the shooter well again.  He was probably really fucked up for a long time?  He was probably of a demographic of people I don't talk to much, old white men?  I know I don't believe in psychiatry and we need something new that works, something based on mutual aid and community and support.

I wish the shooting never happened.  Las Vegas is pretty fucked up.  Well, it's like any other place but our vices are more prominent and advertised.  Never thought I'd live in Adult Disneyland.  There's a lot of work to do here.  I don't know how long we'll stay, but it's been three and a half years so far.

I'm hurting, on this anniversary, and I'm sorry if you are too.  I don't know if I said what I really wanted to say.  It was bloody--58 people died and 851 injured.  I used to be agoraphobic, long time ago.  Some people are afraid to send their kids to school.  I'm not having kids for lots of reasons.

Sunday, September 30, 2018

sweet potato peanut butter stew

I made this delicious vegan stew with sweet potatoes and peanut butter.  Wow, I'm suddenly a fiend for it.  What amazing flavors.

olive oil
large onion diced
several cloves garlic minced
two sweet potatoes peeled and diced
three tsp chili powder
some pepper
tablespoon vegan better than b
three cups water
can diced tomatoes plus their juice
can garbanzo beans drained
half cup smooth peanut butter
greens
a little garlic powder
a little cayenne pepper

Saute the onion in olive oil with garlic.  Add the sweet potatoes and spices.  Saute as long as you like.  Add the better than b and well I guess everything except the greens.  Cook until the sweet potatoes are soft.  Depends on how big you cut them.  Then add the greens and cook till they're wilted.

This would be good with rice or quinoa too!

Thanks to Ming for chopping veg.

Adapted from this here.
https://www.freshoffthegrid.com/sweet-potato-and-peanut-stew

heat exhaustion

Yesterday I got heat exhaustion.  It was a terrible feeling.  Got a ride home and it took so long for me to cool down.  I was afraid. 

Also had the worst headache.  I got woozy and weird.  I started talking to myself, giving myself instructions and encouragement.

Drank most of a cold ginger ale, took two advil, and went to sleep with a fan blowing on me.  Woke up cold some time later and put the covers on.

Then Ming came home and woke me up.  I thought I felt better and considered going out to Radical Mental Health with him.  Then I ate something and felt horrible again.

So it's been up and down.  Trying to keep drinking water.  I learned something anyway.  Never do that again.

Friday, September 28, 2018

did I ever post this picture?


praying for pizza

For a long time I didn't sign internet petitions, thinking they were pointless.  But then recently I signed a couple, desperate.

I'm up in the middle of the night.  Ate cake.

My friend brought a couple boxes of her things to Happy Earth Market to give away.  I was gifted a plastic Virgin of Guadalupe that I love.  She's with me on my desk, keeping me company.

As my three-month cough becomes a four-month cough, I see how medicine fails me.  We went to winco looking for cheap allergy meds and wow.

Yesterday I got a letter from one of my favorite friends.  He made me a homemade advent calendar for my birthday, but instead of a little piece of chocolate behind every door, there's the name of a song I'm to look up on youtube and listen to, every day.

I had emergency therapy.  Thought I'd just cry the whole hour but talked instead.

I was lying in bed and started praying.  I had some kind of inspiration.  I remembered when I used to pray myself to sleep, which would sometimes result in strange requests.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

rest

I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of life's requirements.  My to do list feels eternal.  Things pile up.  I'm spread thin with too many responsibilities.

Yesterday we went to Cricket and got a plan with them that will save us $50 a month.  I hope the service is good.

Yesterday I was so mad I couldn't do the chair yoga because I'm not a senior.  I was fuming.  My friend told me to lie down.  So I did and cried and slept and woke up feeling better.

Apropos to nothing, I read this morning that Malcolm X was bisexual.  I didn't know.

I was dreaming I found a wad of documents and money on the floor in a post office.  I put them in my armpit then my back pocket.  I was greedy for the money.  The wad was closed with a little snap.

Today I have peace vigil at 9 and nothing else I have to do at any particular time.  Saturday is Pagan Pride.  I feel like I need a good deep rest that's not going to happen.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

wild horses

Woke up with some energy wanting to get things done before breakfast.  Sending emails to those Ming met yesterday at the PBS mental health thing.  It's work.

Yesterday I talked to a worker at Credo trying to figure out if I could get cheaper cell phone service from them.  Short answer is yes.  But Cricket might be tons cheaper yet, and people are telling me they've improved.  So we will probably go there when they open at 10.

Unfortunately it's supposed to hit 98 degrees on Saturday and we're tabling outdoors at Pagan Pride for NDE.  I'm not amused.

When we saw my mom she gave me this red warmness I thought was lost forever.  It used to be hers.  "Here, I washed this for you," she told me.  I was overjoyed.

The forum where I gratitude journaled is down, so I better figure out some other way.

Yesterday at community lunch I lingered, happy with my peeps.  They ate the last of my birthday cake.

"I heard you had special surprise guests are your birthday party," L said.  Wild horses walked by, when we were at the cabin.