ok person Laura-Marie

I like extremes--I can find a lot of learning there.  Intense experiences, so informative--quick insight from terrible or terribly wonderful times.  I'll take it.

But some things, I need middleness.  I guess a great pain of my life was hating myself a lot, and then switching to thinking highly of myself. 

I was a kid who was considered really smart.  I could be conceited, when I was in the highest reading group, or did this or that feat, skipped seventh grade math, got straight a's, when I was little.

I was conceited to get a Master's degree, mostly because I almost didn't graduate from high school and was told I would never get through my first year of college.  It was a haha kind of feeling--yeah, you're doing some shit job, living with some asshole who's a jerk to you, while I'm getting a Master's degree and teaching, in academic bliss.  I'll wave to you from my window in the ivory tower.  Hello down there!

How blissful it was is..debatable, really!  I encountered a department run by white guys, and there was so much I was too damaged to do.  I didn't know what grad school was for.  I thought it was for learning--silly me.

But mostly I thought I was worthless.  I thought I didn't deserve to use resources, was completely ugly and unlovable.  If anyone showed a moment of care toward me, I could cling on that really hard because it was so rare.  I had social struggles and still do, though I'm social all the time, now.

Yesterday I had a fear attack about a medical need.  I was tying myself up in knots, trying to figure out if I should call my doctor.  My fear was about medical phobia and low spoonage for dealing with doctors, but mostly I felt I didn't deserve help. 

I felt an intense worthlessness, like medical care was too good for me.  I felt like a gutter bug.  Why would a speck of dirt go to the doctor?  I couldn't believe I deserved anything.

It was a horrible time, and Ming helped me.  I was able to call, txt pics to my doctor, and he prescribed a medicine I don't think I'll use--pretty typical, for a medical experience, for me, at least during covid.  I get seen, I get diagnosed, I'm prescribed something I'm too scared to use.  Repeat.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you, I'm working on seeing myself as something in the middle.  It doesn't help me to be conceited, though I'm 43 but read at a 53 grade reading level.  What would that be?  All political science and Ulysses, all the time.  Hahahahaha!

I would like not to hate myself, but I don't want to falsely aggrandize myself either.  Both of those places are not where I want to be.

Ming takes all these pictures of me on my trike as spiritual practice.  I used to hate my picture taken.  I used to refuse to be in pictures.  I hated myself and my body so much, there are years with no picture of me. 

I went years without looking into mirrors.  Zoom is hard for me mostly because I have to see my own picture, and I'm struggling with wanting to smash it, honestly.  I turn the camera off, sometimes, but I know people don't like that.

Anyway, I'm trying.  That's what I'm trying to say.  Thanks for holding my hand though the computer as I try to be an ok person.  Thank you.