dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Sunday, August 20, 2006

change of plans

Rememeber we had this idea that we were going to find me full-time work, a real job either in the Bay Area or Portland, Oregon and then move? This week of CBEST scoring is incapacitating me. I just can't be around people eight hours a day. So we're thinking it's not going to happen--I can't work full-time, unless it's at home, which is almost imposible to find.

So our plan is changed, and we're going to find a way to live without me working full-time. We still might be moving, but things are less clear now. Maybe Erik's the one who will need to find full-time work, or maybe we'll keep things just as they are for a while.

When culture judges your worth as a human being as your ability to make money, I'm feeling like quite a failure that I'm not good at that. It's sad to give up. But we need me to be happy, or all our time is spent trying to prop me up and keep me functioning, but it's a very low level of functioning.

Of course, being a woman, I could get some worth by having kids, but that's not the plan either. I become more inscrutable, but I hope my friends and family will try to understand me and love me even though.

4 Comments:

  • At August 22, 2006 1:23 AM, Blogger redbird said…

    You are worth a lot! Of course money making and baby raising are not the measure of intrinsic or even social worth. Honoring yourself and your health is vital! Without that, it is much more difficult to do your authentic best in other areas of life, love, and survival. I just wish the world didn't make it so hard to honor oneself and thrive in the ways that count. We need to help and value each other--and part of that is honoring the human heart and each individual's natural talents and basic needs.

    My friend, no matter what--you are lovable and loved!

     
  • At August 22, 2006 6:52 AM, Blogger Laura-Marie said…

    Thanks, my dear friend. I need to hear these things.

     
  • At August 24, 2006 10:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think you are an amazing and beautiful and *extremely* worthwhile person. I love and honor you and the decisions you make.

     
  • At August 24, 2006 11:34 AM, Blogger Laura-Marie said…

    Wow, thanks for these kind words, Kat. I want to love and honor you and your choices too.

     

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