retreat and the desire to retreat

Today I went to a Vedanta women's retreat at the home of some devotees near Roseville. A nun from San Francisco came to give a talk. Then there was a lot of question-and-answer, lunch, more question-and-answer. It was a beautiful house--the largest house I have ever been in--and I met some new people who I liked. I had done the suggested reading beforehand, and I enjoyed it a lot.

Yet being around people drains me, and I need a lot of recovery afterwards. It takes me a long time to process listening to people talk, seeing people, touch.

I feel happy to be accepted at my local Vedanta place and by the women of this women's group, but it's difficult to know how to proceed. Erik and I still plan to move, and I don't want to put down roots. My gender problems with Vedanta were somewhat lessened today, but they still remain.

Meanwhile, things at the apartment complex are worse than ever. Yelling drama, revving cars, loud music, the man I hate who is always on the apartment complex's front stoop, smoking cigarettes and leaving Budwiser cans behind. Cigarette butts are scattered everywhere. And we have to pass by him on our way to and from our car, breathing his smoke. I dread his presence and just can't take it anymore.

Today a young woman was yelling at her child (who seemed to be about four years old) "I told you to get my soda! Get my soda! Now!" as if getting Mother her soda is part of a child's responsibilities, because she's too lazy to walk inside and get the soda herself.

This was right in front of us, just feet away as we passed through. Her yelling was loud enough to hurt our ears, as if the front stoop was part of their livingroom rather than a shared space. There's no sense of responsibility to the greater good, no sense of privacy, no consideration. I would never yell at my child in that way for such a stupid reason, but why isn't she ashamed or at least embarassed?

I start feeling like I'm not fit for the world--I can't handle people. I just can't live if the world is this way. It's not acceptable, and there's no way to get away from it, because even if we move to a better apartment complex, someone like this can move in next door. People are nasty, and I can't take it, and what can I do? I need quiet and to feel safe. I shouldn't dread coming home or leaving.

Yesterday at dusk I wanted to go for a walk, but when I stepped outside, someone was shrieking, "You're a mandated reporter! Go ahead and call!" with more words I couldn't understand. But this isn't the first time we've heard loud, upset conversation about CPS. I decided not to take a walk after all because this was happening outside--I would have had to walk right through it. This happens all the time.

The decent people have all left--the complex is growing more horrible this way. Toys are littering the yard always. They treat the yard like it belongs to them rather than all of us. It's just a given that that's where the children play and leave all their junk, and no one else can be there. Toys, shoes, two pools, dishes, scooters, sticks, broken things. The terrible behavior becomes the local "normal."

So we need to move--there's nothing else to do--but I can't figure out where to go. Erik says he can find places in Sacramento with the same rent we're paying now--$595 for a medium-sized one-bedroom. So maybe we should move within Sacramento while trying to find me a good job in the Bay Area or Portland.

But it seems stupid to move then need to move again in just a couple months. We have way too much stuff--I feel frustrated with our propensity to accumulate. It's not good to put Kitty through it, or ourselves. Moving is an incredible strain for all three of us.

So I don't know what to do.