forced sterilization gets me down

I was just on facebook and started crying when I saw a headline about forced sterilization of Native women.  "Forced sterilization gets me down," I told Ming when he noticed me crying.

The women were denied access to their newborns until they agreed to be sterilized.  This was as recently as last year.  There's a lawsuit.

Sometimes I feel like giving up.  Earlier this year, I had a pregnancy test because I hadn't had my period in a while.  I realized my ankles had been swollen and I was more tired, falling asleep in chairs.  For a few days there we thought we might be having a baby, something I never wanted, but I was getting used to the idea.

I wrote a poem about it yesterday.  It mentions Christmas.  I'd like to write a new series of Christmas poems.

Last night R was over and we were talking about how I haven't played guitar in a long time--he asked why.  I said there are all these things I like to do every day and music fell off the list.  I said how this cough makes it hard for me to sing.  I said I didn't think being a musician was God's plan for me, this time--God wants me to be a writer.  Then I said, "I guess you never know.  Maybe God has more than one plan for me."

"Well yeah," R said.  "God's had a few so far."  I thought of my 42 years.  R has known me for only six years--he doesn't really know what my life has been.  Only I know, I guess.

Motherhood is not in God's plan for me, this time, I'm pretty sure.  But my heart aches for other moms.

https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/the-current-for-november-13-2018-1.4902679/indigenous-women-kept-from-seeing-their-newborn-babies-until-agreeing-to-sterilization-says-lawyer-1.4902693?fbclid=IwAR0scTTXX6mcwUlbMJCkYWkIWkfvU8K15eUYz9b7AujTqJQSuPbqZIjs5eM