middle age, dune buggy fumes, angular grasshopper, another earthquake

Last night we took our friend to dinner--our friend is moving away.  We went to Chef Kenny's and had an amazing vegan meal.  So many flavors.  It was fun though I was quiet with sleep deprivation.  Waking up at 2:30am unable to go back to sleep is becoming sadly normal for me.

Our friend told us about being designated driver for a rave the night before, but when they tried to drive away, the van wouldn't start.  So the van was still out in the desert.  I offered that Ming and I have AAA, so we could use one of our tows to get the van to our friend's home.

Our friend's dad went out with his brother to try to get the van started with a jump, not trusting that they had already tried that.  When Ming and friend and I got to the location, the dad and uncle had left.  It was north past the speedway.

The sun was going down.  Ming was on the phone with AAA.  The light was beautiful.  I wanted to take a picture but was too shy to ask.  Sunset was glowy.  I felt glad to be out in the desert, living life.

People who like dune buggies were arriving and unloading their dune buggies from trailers.  They played loud music and kicked up dust.

Then I saw a huge grasshopper, big like a lizard.  As our friend moved the grasshopper away to some bushes, I was leaning against our minivan when Ming and I noticed both vans were moving around like crazy.  I thought it was wind at first, but then I realized there was no strong wind.  "Is this another earthquake?" I asked Ming.  My phone started beeping a lot as my mom and a friend in Fresno txted me about feeling the earthquake.

Our friend missed it, walking in the desert, trying to help the huge grasshopper.  That was the third earthquake I'd felt in two days, and Mom said it was a 7.1.  I felt scared.  "What if the earthquakes keep getting coming and getting worse?" I asked, thinking of The Big One, lots of Big Ones, the end of the world.  Ming and our friend seemed not to share my fear.

It got dark.  I was out of water and so tired.  Our friend and Ming used star apps to identify stars.  One near the moon was Regulus, and I remembered Sufjan Stevens has a song mentioning Regulus.  A strange Christmas song.

Finally the tow truck arrived.  Out came two workers, the owner and someone who seemed new and just learning.  The older one explained about three relays on a Honda minivan, and if it's hot a relay can burn out so the different relays don't communicate with one another?  He said he could reset it.  I told him it had happened the night before, and it hadn't been hot.

They worked on the minivan a while, trying to get it started, and some attempts were made--it wouldn't start.  I got impatient after a while and got out of the short bus to ask what was going on.  The owner had convinced our friend to get the minivan towed to his shop for repairs.  It felt odd to me because I didn't want our friend to be taken advantage of--originally they had wanted the minivan towed to their home.

So the arrangements were made.  We drove away.  Then our friend talked to their dad on the phone.   There was a lot of "si, pero Papa..."  Eventually we turned around and our friend told the tow truck driver to take the minivan to our friend's home, not to the shop.  The dad seemed to think like me--don't let the tow truck driver make more money off you.  Our friend is still in that family and it seemed they made money decisions together.

It was past my bedtime when we dropped off our friend.  I wanted to hug, but our friend jumped out and our goodnight was rushed.  Ming was getting too sleepy and drank an energy drink.  I felt we got a lot of points for that adventure.  But our friend is going to Iowa.

I had been thinking for hours about an article I saw on facebook about menopause.  Someone I respect and admire posted it, and so I read it, and I was shocked at how it was TERFy, speaking like all women are the same and have the same experiences and parts, and weird about hormones.  It was saying how women who have menopause become like wise owls who see clearly without the confusion of hormones.

I felt hurt because--hormones are not the enemy.  I feel so tired of women not being trusted for having feelings and hormones and sexual desires.  I felt like they were discrediting the tons of women in the world who have them.

I remember when I was a kid, boys saying a woman couldn't be president because she would push the button and nuke some country while she was "on the rag." They laughed at the ridiculous idea of a woman having power.

When I was a kid, I believed that as a woman I was less rational, and that made me less smart.  I still hear people say, "We need to rely on reason, not feelings."  Even adults are scared of feelings, like feelings have betrayed them.

I think, feelings give us information, and there's nothing wrong or untrustworthy about them.  They can change, but thoughts can too.  People seem to believe thoughts come from a brain, which is ok, and feelings come from the body, which is an unreliable fickle bad thing.

Well, fuck all that.  I'm going to feel all the feelings, and there's nothing wrong with me.

The dune buggies made bad fumes.  I said it seemed dangerous, when it was dark, and the little kids should have light jackets.  I'm not an entrepreneur, but I had a three second fantasy, imagining a light jacket business, keeping dune buggy kids safe.  I was afraid a little kid would be unseen and get run over.

I don't see the appeal.  But a lot is like that.  Most people like movies, tv, games, thrilling stuff like dune buggies.  I guess I'm anti-entertainment, which makes me a stick in the mud.

This morning I was crying about all that and more--women being untrusted, my friend leaving, no hugs, getting old.  I'll have menopause soon.

Aging is a thing most people are blessed to do.  "Inside every 80 year old is an 18 year old wondering what happened."  I'm ok with middle age, but it's new, for me.