thank you for anger

We got in the mail yesterday these amazing cookies our friends baked us as a winter gift.  They're chocolate and then in the middle is peanut butter stuff.  Wow!  What a present.

I also got this FATTIES AGAINST FASCISM teeshirt I ordered which was printed in a kitchen, so lovely, and these gorgeous prints--I think linoleum block prints.  They depict someone fat floating in water.  And three small zines about being fat and crazy.

I got so irritable yesterday, so hurt and angry, I needed to excuse myself from society for a minute.  It happens.  It reminded me of something that had happened a few days earlier.  My circuits got overloaded?  Do I have circuits?  I'm a human for sure.

You know how a situation is extreme, and you need some relief really bad, and then it gets worse?  I don't want to be blamey.  But yeah, that can happen.  Sorry to vaguebook about that.

I'm listening to this music I loved when I was a teenager.  It really helped me, and I feel grateful to Trent Reznor.  And the friend who gave me a tape of Pretty Hate Machine.  Listening to it again, I like it again.  I heard it so much 25 years ago, it just became part of my mind.  I know every word.

Like the ocean, at the beach--the water is always in motion.  All the work I was doing to keep going, all that striving--I could set it down while I was at the beach, as the water was moving so I didn't have to.  It didn't rest, and then I could rest.

Well, that's how I feel about this music.  I could let Trent hold my pain for half an hour, or let him speak for me?  Also the music helped me admit the anger, a good example.  I could put down my pain for a while and let him feel it.

Some of it's really vulnerable and beautiful, and then some of it seems kind of silly now, simplified-exaggerated.  And some of it maybe the values aren't super on.

But the anger is lovely, and some insight about how love can be that I didn't hear being talked about much then, the dysfunction of messed up, traumatized people going to one another for comfort and hurting each other more.

(Yeah, I put that in blue.  I thought it was important.)

I was getting it out of context--we called it industrial, which may be related to metal?  My friend from LA who gave me this music was so sophisticated.  Two years older maybe, he knew the ways of the world!  Hahahahaha!  He had the right black boots also.  I never really had the right boots.

Hmm, reading the wikipedia article and what Trent Reznor said about it just a couple years later.  I guess it wasn't as popular as I thought it was, but I think it's kind of a masterpiece.  I'm playing it as loud as my computer goes, which isn't loud enough.  I need a louder computer!