I knew I was healing my relationship with art when I let myself make art.

A long time ago, I saw this thing on facebook that was like, "I knew I was healing my relationship with my ________when I _____________."  I liked it and printed it out to remind me to try it.

Finally I gave it a try.  I did four rounds.

I knew I was healing my relationship with my past when I felt stronger in my present.

I knew I was healing my relationship with food when I felt more loose, free, lighthearted, happy, relaxed, comfortable, and willing to try new things regarding food.

I knew I was healing my relationship with my body when I left myself move however I wanted to move.

I knew I was healing my relationship with my booty when I shook it.

I guess the one that interests me the most is the third one.  I felt really constricted about my body for many years.  I had super restrictive ways of treating my body, like to stay safe, I needed to act a certain way that brought zero attention to it. 

Now I let myself move different ways, I wear tank tops and other clothes I wouldn't let myself wear before, I wear different colors, I let myself wiggle more and touch my own hands, arms, tummy, chest, forehead in comforting ways.  I like it.

I wanna be like my way of drawing is valid, a style that can be an ok style, but I'm not sure?  It definitely represents something.  There can be a feeling.  I wanna say it's outsider art and I can do it.  Or it's better to try and fail--bad art is better than no art.  Hmm, still deciding.

One time someone told me, "The only way someone can't draw is if they don't draw."  I felt judged kind of harshly by him.  If I was too scared to draw, that had to to with the world being pretty mean to me, and my resources getting used up by unwanted bullshit of life.

I wanted to tell that art guy, "Hey, I'm trying!"  Sometimes when I start trying to draw, it's really scary.  I have to tell myself to keep breathing and be very nice to myself.  Laugh about it, smile, take it line by line.

Toward the beginning of our relationship, I had a daily practice of drawing Ming.  It was fun.  I still have the sketchbook with a bunch of naked Ming.  It helped my life, for a while. 

Maybe it's good to do something badly.  Writing, cooking, love, being a friend I do pretty well usually.  No one really accuses me of being a good drawer.

Well, my best friend does.  She says it's expressive.  She's super nice to me.  She's kind of like my mom, in that way.  She has a lot of practice appreciating me, almost 30 years now.  Maybe that's a spiritual practice for her.

I wish everyone could experience being loved like that.  When my mom was dying, my bestie wrote my mom a letter thanking her for bringing me into the world and telling her how I'd been helpful.  It was sweet.

My mom got that letter and was happy.  She txted me a picture of it. 

My bestie is an artist for real.  She designed the logo for the radical mental health collective.