dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Monday, April 24, 2006

after concert


We went to Long Haul Infoshop on Shattuck--it was my first time in an infoshop. I had a bag filled with about 25 zines I'd received mostly through trades that I didn't want to keep. And three of my own.

So I spoke with a very nice woman who is the zine archivist there. We chatted briefly like, "Oh, the person who makes this one lives in LA and also makes Food Geek," and "Yeah, I think he stopped making this because he had problems with his health," and "This one's made by a really nice woman up in Canada." If you know me, you know I'm super-quiet, but the older I get, the more I understand that this makes people uncomfortable, so I go to the other extreme sometimes when I'm scared and chatter quickly.

The infoshop was having cafe night and a movie, so it was busy with people. Would you think I was lying if I told you that Erik and I were the only people there who weren't wearing black? We don't look the part. Me, at least I don't shave my legs, you know. Erik felt stared at.

Afterward I asked him, "How does it feel to be so square?" and he said, "Rectilinear." And then I said something about rectums, of course.

On one hand, such a crowded, cluttered, chaotic place makes me skittish. On the other, this infoshop was my dream-home of radical people with values and activities totally differently-focused than normal life of buying things.... I hope one day we can live in Berkeley, or some other very alive place, and I will help run the infoshop, and I will be so happy and finally have the community I've always longed for.

So I donated those zines, which was a great feeling, because they had been weighing on my mind for a long time--of course, I wouldn't just throw them away, but I didn't want to leave them just anywhere, and at the infoshop they would be appreciated and enjoyed, hopefully.

Then we went for a walk. Berkeley is my favorite place to walk in the neighborhoods because the yards are so well-done. We stopped often to smell roses or lemon blossoms.

At dinner the place was packed, the music was loud, and the food was lovely. When I'm somewhere that overwhelms me, I tend to disassoaciate, or I think that's what it's called, where you retreat into yourself and pretend everything that's happening isn't really happening. Sort of pretend it's just a dream? I do that when I'm freaked out, or when I know I could freak out, and it saves me. Indian-Pakistani restaurants at night in particular. Crowds in general, which I avoid unless I have good reason to override my aversion.

Erik got high on free chai, and it was a wonderful day despite a difficult morning.

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