dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Sunday, March 26, 2006

vespers

I only like to listen to new music by myself because I can't handle feeling my feelings while also thinking about someone else's. I listened to a new Mountain Goats song today while Erik deposited my last unemployment check. I am going to make it / through this year / if it kills me.

Erik likes my singing. I think it's good in its own way. A few weeks ago I got a new friend at vespers, who sat in front of me, and afterward, she complimented my singing. I laughed in her face. I'm so rude.

My voice is weak, but my ear is good, so I can stay on pitch, but there's no breadth of sound. But it's me.

"You can't know if her 'you' was plural or singular," I told Erik. But I was so rude.

At vespers tonight, my friend P wasn't playing--it was my friend J. I had no idea she played. It was perfect.

My favorite song is that last one I want to photocopy so I can sing it by myself and memorize the words, but I never know what's allowed and what isn't. I could have my own little vespers every night.

2 Comments:

  • At March 27, 2006 8:55 PM, Blogger redbird said…

    Is it really rude to laugh after someone has complimented you? Well, but maybe I'm too biased. Your laughter at something foolish I've said can totally make my day, even though I protest. It's like sunny attention.

    I feel more comfortable listening to music by myself, too. It's such an intimate thing. And yes, I can get overly aware of the other person/people listening. It can make truly listening difficult. But sometimes when someone and I have shared music in person that we both really really like in the same way already, then it feels great.

    It's hard for me to listen to music that's new to me that someone else is sharing. I get self-conscious and distracted. I wonder what I'll say in response. What does the person want me to hear and say? What if my honest answer hurts their feelings? Can I find a way to appreciate music I don't have a complete handle on or good first impression of? I have to spend a lot of energy trying to concentrate. I get anxious.

    And sometimes I get jealous of the person who is listening to music that I already feel close to. It's like I don't want to know about someone else's intimacy with music I am intimate with, too.

     
  • At April 24, 2006 12:09 AM, Blogger Laura-Marie said…

    You're like sunny attention.

    I had never heard anyone speak of the music-jealousy you mention. Thanks for the new idea. I know what you're talking about.

     

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