the talk with Swami

Today I spoke with Swami about what's been going on at the bookstore. I was super nervous. I had never really spoken with him in his office before (it had always been in the library or outside). I asked for privacy and closed the door. At one point I got really shaky. I had talked to my mom about it beforehand--she told me to use I-messages and breathe. So that's what I tried to do. I remember his baseball cap on the desk and his concerned yet neutral listening look. I like his listening look. I felt heard.

Swami boiled my problem down to three main concerns, which is fine--personally, I would have boiled it down to one concern: I have an anxiety problem, and the bookstore boss activates it. But Swami boiled it down to three. He said he would speak to the bookstore boss, which scares me because I don't want to be on even worse terms with him, but maybe that can't be helped. I really don't know what Swami will say to him. Maybe Swami will just say how I want to quit. He said he would speak to the board about it also.

The bottom line is that I can quit, but he's asked me to stay until they can find a replacement for me. That's fine. My request is noted and known. He said there's a woman who might start working at the bookstore soon, and maybe she will take my place.

I feel good and like I did the right thing, but I also feel scared. I'm afraid the bookstore boss will corner me next week after worship and verbally attack me for speaking to Swami about my problems. I'm scared of him.

This afternoon I'm going to see P, and I'll tell her everything.