dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Monday, October 31, 2016

the pier and apple tasting

the day after the service

We're at my favy cafe and Halloween music is playing.  We went to the pier and took pictures of each other.  Then we went apple tasting and took pictures of one another.  I'll post some.

I want to write letters.  I want to go to the bead store.  It feels good to want things.  I'm grateful for desire.  To be alive is to want things?  To want things is to be alive?  Not really but it feels that way today.

The service was difficult.  I sat there holding onto my tea bottle and Dad's hat.  I talked to a few relatives and hugged some people.  I saw my cousin's baby.  Aunt Joan was there.  I never thought I'd see her again.

Ming's studying this pharmacology flashcard book.  He's weird.  I mean eccentric.

Sunday, October 30, 2016


I feel uncomfortable and kind of restless.  Don't know what to do with myself.  The service is today, starts at 3, my worst time.  Seems wrong to go apple tasting this morning.  I know I need a walk.  The sun's finally coming up.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Guest Blogger again, in a time of sorrow

Tomorrow is the day for the cry party for blogger's dad. There is sadness around here. Primary blogger is sitting with her mom while I, guest blogger, fill you in on our day.

Primary blogger is feeling that her dad is still present, just in the other room, like a Ramakrishna story "I have not passed away, I have gone from one room to another." like it was revealed to Sarada Devi.

We have been visiting areas and trying to be easefull with ourselves. Today we went to the Kreuzberg Cafe, a great fun cafe, and then the Morro Bay area. There we went to Sunshine Natural Foods and got a lifefactory orange bottle to replace two old plastic bottles, then visited the Shine Cafe where I had a yummy dragonfruit bowl. We then visited the Guerrilla Gardening Club Thrift Store.

In my last guest post on this blog, I mentioned about the useful apps on my iPhone. I think I will share them with you. Two are by Northcube, Life Cycle which is a productivity app and Sleep Cycle which is an alarm clock app. I also have Sleepbot, a sleep tracker app. All three are proving interesting to this narcoleptic. As a map geek, I am also interested in the TopoMaps+ app. Another useful app is Spyglass.

My time for guest blogging is up. Guest blogger out.

Friday, October 28, 2016


the picture that never was

I do this thing--I take a photo on my phone and email it to myself to post on my blog.  Only problem is THE FUCKING PHOTO DOESN'T COME THRU!!!!!  They used to come thru.  I don't know why sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.  I got my dad's old phone and it does the same thing.

So I wanted to show you this photo, and it's not here.  Maybe it will eventually make it through the interwebs and I can post it, but for now you'll have to imagine it: me standing next to a mural.  The mural depicts a woman hand-pollinating flowers with a paintbrush like my Nana did.  The flowers are red, and I'm wearing a navy blue shirt and smiling.

It probably looks way better in your head than in real life so maybe I won't post it.  Or maybe I will.  The photo was taken this afternoon in Lompoc, a town I love.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Another post by Guest Blogger: Lotusland and farmers' markets

Primary blogger is sitting with her mother, so can't blog at this time.

Grieving and the grieving process takes on many forms and strange appearances. We are taking scheduled breaks so as to not get overwhelmed.

Today we went to Montecito and visited Lotusland, a botanical garden. During the course of our two plus mile walking tour we saw so many plants, it was beautiful. Primary blogger's favorite subgarden was the blue garden in its many shades of blue.

I was hesitant to take photos at the garden as I am sure that professional photographers have done a better job than I could. We however we surprised at the souvenir postcards. I am now regretting that I did not take photos to share here. They did tout this video of the gardens filmed by drones.

We then visited with primary blogger's bestie E, then having lunch in Santa Barbara. I then went for a walk on Goleta Beach to achieve my goals of walking more. I got to the beach just after low tide. Did I mention to you that I recently was gifted a iPhone ? I am exploring apps and having loads of fun. The apps aimed at productivity, health, and navigation are catching my eye. So the low tide info from the iPhone was good for me as was the tracking of my steps.

We also stopped in Solvang and encountered a Farmers' Market that we had not expected. We picked up a Santa Barbara County Farmers' Market schedule there as we went and saw the many booths. That was fun. Visiting farmers' markets is one of the things we enjoy. We like visiting farmers' markets in San Luis Obispo County and in Las Vegas. Las Vegas has a few farmers' markets with schedules here, here, and here.

And that is what happened today. Guest blogger out.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

A Post by Guest Blogger

Guest Blogger here again.

Today was a more relaxed day here at the undisclosed location that we are at. This morning we did some shopping then visited a farmers' market then I went to help the Guadalupe Catholic Worker with their food distribution service.

When I got to the Beatitude Catholic Worker House, in Guadalupe, there was a long line of people representing families needing food assistance. There was also a group of volunteers preapportioning out loose potatoes in a box into two pound bags. I joined the second group then we started passing out food into the moving line of people passing each of the food stations. There was a station for canned foods, a station for half a pound of beans and two pounds of rice, a station for the bags of potatoes, and a station for onions. Then on the other side of the garage room was a station for frozen meat, a station for bread, and a station for boxes of strawberries.

The line of people progressed till the line dwindled. Then we bagged food for the people who could not make it to the line. Thirty three white bags were filled with the commodities and put into the back of two pickup trucks.

After lunch with the group of volunteers, I volunteered to help with the further food distribution by truck as they were short a person. I was interested in seeing more of Guadalupe and here was an opportunity. I also wanted to see a different method of food distribution than what I see happens at the Las Vegas Catholic Worker.

I rode with Dennis Apel, the Catholic Worker who was recently imprisoned for violating his ban-and-bar for protesting outside of Vandenberg AFB for Vandenberg Witness. We talked about his articles being posted to the local newspaper about his time during his imprisonment and about how he enjoyed his time at the Catholic Worker Gathering that happened in Las Vegas in October. We talked about the thirteen people arrested at Creech AFB, that happened as a culmination of the CW event as we delivered food around Guadalupe.

Later that evening, Primary blogger and I talked about liberation theology.

Monday, October 24, 2016

butterfly and sadface

belling the cat

We are "having fun."  This morning I grieved hard for a while and lay in bed while Ming touched my back.  I didn't want to take a shower, and then when I was in the shower, I didn't want to leave the shower.

But then we went to Morro Bay.  I wanted to go to the anarchist thrift store but it didn't open till noon.  We went to the bead store with all the pretty charms.  I'm going to make a necklace for my friend L.  We bought this sea urchin shell thing called a sputnik.  I bought a tiny bell for a dollar.  I could wear it around my neck and pretend I was a milk cow named Bessy.  Or a belled cat.

Now we're at a favorite cafe.  I like the light through the wall windows.  Could do without the Halloween decorations though.  The wifi password is skeleton.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

love, Marie

Dear world without Dad,

It's on days like this that I find solace in art.  Mom and I were sitting on the couch holding hands and we reminded me of Los Dos Fridas.  Do you know that painting?  It's by Frida Kahlo, one of my favorites.

Brother gave me two of Dad's old pocket knives and a flashlight, two flashlights.

I have been having a craving for my favorite Brenda Hillman poem, "First Tractate" of Death Tractates.  It starts like this.

First Tractate
That the soul got to choose. Nothing else
got to but the soul
got to choose.
That it was very clever, stepping
from Lightworld to lightworld
as an egret fishes through its smeared reflections —
through its deaths —
for it believed in the one life,
that it would last forever.

Friday, October 21, 2016


It's me again.  Whole lotta sad going on around here.  We delivered Dad's clothes to the Guadalupe Catholic Worker.  It was not as much clothes as I thought it would be.  I thought it would fill the whole car.

Today we're going to run some errands like get me off my parents' family plan for the cell phone.  And I'm going to start using Dad's old cell phone.  I want to go the bookstore too.

I'm cycling through stages of grief.  This morning Ming and I walked at the park.  Some trees had been cut down and the wood smelled good.  An oak had dropped tons of acorns in a parking lot.  We walked over them, crunching them.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Post by Guest Blogger: Death of blogger's dad

This is a post by the Guest Blogger.

I wanted to tell you of the Langar that I went to last Wednesday.

I want to tell you that this blog owner's dad died yesterday. She, the primary non guest blogger, is staying strong and is supporting her mother and brother in this time of grief. We are in the undisclosed location where we have been before. It is sunny outside forecasted to reach 90 degrees today. So we are indoors in this land that usually does not get that hot, and has no evaporative coolers or air conditioners in the homes.

She is writing to her friends and is getting great supportive responses back to her. She is not freaking out.

She is telling me to make my paragraphs not too long in this guest blog post as it becomes less readable. That is her tip to me.

The langar that I went to last Wednesday was fun. I went with KR, C, and SJT. We got to the langar after sundown and paid respect then listened to the Sikh chanting prayers. As we were in the Langer Hall, we noted this painted picture and wondered who the picture was depicting. Google was of some use in searching for who the religious painting was of (image here: http://www.sikhismguide.org/images/babadeepsingh4.jpg) . Baba Deep Singh Ji was depicted cutting off his head and holding it forth in his left hand while holding a broad sword in his right hand, striding forward. We then noted that was also the name of the Gurdwara we were in, Gurdwara Baba Deep Singh Ji.

The meal was then served to the devotees and guests. Pakoras, curries, rice and honey rice were served.

I would have gone again to the langar last night but the death of blogger's dad interceded. We unusually began our travel in the early afternoon, whereas we usually begin traveling here before pre dawn. The ride was long but enjoyable, us arriving at 10:15pm.

We will be here for a few days.

My impressions: His death was preceded by a number of good days for him, including a trip to see his mother, and happened at a good time for us, after the fall event season.

That is me, spouse of blogger, signing off.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

in the temple

rabbit fence Ming is building

Tuesday, October 18, 2016


This morning we went to the goddess temple so Ming could work on the rabbit fence.  I walked in the desert and sang in the temple.  I didn't have my song book but remember a lot.

Then we had tea with the priestess.  She heated up some leftover apple dump cake and we ate some with our tea.  I felt I had to eat some in order to be polite, but it was good.  But I need to be careful.

Now I'm roasting delicata squash, and Hungarian mushroom soup is simmering on the stove.  I need to make the salad too, later.  It's for community dinner.

Tomorrow I have a medical appointment, hopefully the last for a while.  And I have therapy.  Ming has a teeth cleaning.

Then Thursday is a party for our friend King Ron.  I'm baking a cake.  I decided on chocolate with cream cheese frosting.  And I'll make pesto pasta salad for that too, which is easy.


Monday, October 17, 2016


This morning we woke up sort of early and Ming drove us to the desert where we took a small walk.  It felt good, in the wind, though my right ear ached.

Then we bought groceries for a party, a dinner, and everyday life.  And a birthday present.  And breaded vegan fish for a treat.

Then we came home to put the groceries away and then we went to the printers to get some zines printed up that I didn't make enough of the first time around.

Then we went to this Japanese-Korean place that was awesome!  We ordered a lot and our bill was way less than I expected.  There were free side dishes and you can get more of them.  What a deal.  It's called GangNam.  It's near Origin India.  We got broccoli, asparagus, tempura, corn...  There's a grill on each table.  If you come to Las Vegas, maybe we can go there.

Now I have zines to make.  I'm listening to music while Ming walks to the postie for stamps and to send some zines to a lady in Belgium.

Sunday, October 16, 2016


This morning I was having a zombie dream when Ming woke me up to cook Food Not Bombs.  We have beans boiling, rice simmering, and soon some leftover Catholic Worker food will be in the oven.  Nice.

Political prisoner letter writing night last night went great but everyone but us was late.  But we did it.

Thinking of going to the Phoenix Zine Fest next weekend.  Yeah!

It's a full moon, hunter moon, a super moon, I heard.

Still in my nightgown.  It's the colorful one.  A little kid down the street is screaming as their parent yells obscenities.  I'm so glad I don't have that going on.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

much eggplant

Friday, October 14, 2016

tonight we're going to read emails like it's 1999

Holy crap, I found some emails from 1999 (and 2000, and 2001...).  I thought yahoo only kept emails for ten years.  I told Ming it's like they're come back from the dead.  Frankenstein emails.

I was looking at old emails before I deleted this old terrible yahoo account.  And now I feel compelled to forward them all to my new junk email account because they're antiques.  Or at least vintage.


This morning I went to a UU thing, a Chalice Circle--they happen just about every other Friday morning.  I think of it as "me time" though I don't like that term.  We have readings, reflect, write, read what we wrote, talk about it.

Today I wrote something about being an interfaith person.  Ming said we should put it in the next NDE newsletter.  For sure we need more in the next newsletter.

Just now I called Sister M to see if she'd write a book review for the newsletter too.  Ming's making coffee for King Ron who should be here soon to chop onions and garlic for Food Not Bombs.  The coffee smells good.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

not involved

I could tell you about the Hungarian mushroom soup I made.  I forgot to add the lemon juice at the end, so it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been.

I could tell you about the cops coming to yesterday's food serving, but they did't come back today.

I could tell you about the dollar store with its cheap chips.

I could tell you about going to the goddess temple grounds today so Ming could put up a rabbit fence for the small orchard.  He didn't finish so we're going back next week.

I could tell you about my desire for the correct amount of green beans.  Trader Joe's sells them in bags that are too big.

I could tell you about how beautiful Ming is or how much I like fall.

Instead I'll tell you I feel detached from the election and my mental health is much sturdier for it.  I am not involved.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


This morning Ming woke me up to cuddle before he left to serve with the Worker.  I did not want to wake up.  Today I have a doctor's appointment that I dread.  It's at 1:15 and I hope to have some morning fun to keep my mind off it.

I have this pomegranate I plucked from J's tree.  She said you have to catch them before the weird angular pomegranate bug does.  So I plucked one and put it on my altar and it's been there for a while.  It's starting to darken.  I think it's drying.

Yesterday our friend was supposed to leave at 2 but her ride was late so she was here till after 3, and by the time she was actually out of here, the day felt over.  I had wanted to go out but I didn't want to go out anymore.  I like morning energy.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

more friends




no nukes



Monday, October 10, 2016

the event is over

The event is over,
but people are still here.
I feel selfish for time alone.
In the pictures,
I see Tom with the drum
he's liked for years.
At all the events, he has that drum.
When I was sleeping,
I had dreams about the event
gone wrong.
Now I'm clueless about dinner.
I don't want to make that soup
I thought about.
Ming dishes himself spicy pickles.
It's dark out.
Kelsey is in the other house.
If I go to her,
we'll talk.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

I'm gonna lay down my sword and shield down by the test site

This morning we went to the the test site.  We had liturgy.  I felt very left out because almost everyone there was Catholic.  Then there were a few Jews.  Nobody like me.  I didn't take communion (though I have before)--neither did Ming.  The service was beautiful and moving but not for me.

There was a marching band for peace and we processed to the line without Johnnie Bobb to lead us, which felt weird.  We encountered friends as we walked.  It was like a dream.  I held one of the butterflies.

Then when we got to the line--there were a hundred of us, maybe?--the band was still playing, and R crossed.  I was confused about what he was doing--he seemed to be trying to read something to the guards.

Ming suggested we cross, so he put down my butterfly and we held hands and stepped across the line.

So I was arrested again.  I was directed to a pen and went in to stand in the shade.

Meanwhile, some young women crossed and decided to resist arrest, sort of.  Rather than entering the pen easily, they kept walking into the test site.  I was confused about what they wanted to do.  I guess they wanted to disrupt the status quo of arrests there.

Some guards hurt the wrists of the women who resisted.  They called a dog over, the K9.  But they didn't have the dog attack.

In the pen we talked.  There were 12 women in our pen and 21 in the other pen, I guess.  Somehow in the confusion a woman was in the pen with the men.

So it was a pretty good arrest but not as satisfying as the one two weeks ago.  I'm sunburned.  We didn't get to sing our Mother song before lunch.  I wasn't really planning to get arrested.  We were late to lunch.

Then we left.  Everyone else was going to continue to Creech Air Force Base, but Ming and I didn't want to.  We passed Creech on our way home and saw there were maybe 20 police vehicles parked there.  Wtf.

Then we went to Whole Foods and bought expensive juice drinks.  I needed something cold.  I couldn't cool down though I had the car's air conditioning blasting on me for 45 minutes.

I drank and drank.  At home Ming and I lay in bed talking.  It took a couple hours until I was really able to cool down.  I feel fine now.

Saturday, October 08, 2016



a pita

Sometimes I wish I could be more of a normal person with reasonable reactions to things and the right amount of emotions.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so disabled.

Then my friend tells me, "Why do you want to be a normal person?  You're awesome," and I feel a bit better.

The national gathering is wonderful and difficult.  I look forward to it being over because I need some regular life.

But tomorrow we go to the test site and the air force base to vigil.  And Ming and I will sing Jaya Jaya Janani for the crowd.

Then Monday there's an NDE board meeting.  They last all day.

Yesterday I gave a workshop on zines and it went well but I don't want to finish the job.  I need to assemble the zine pages we made into a zine, so I need to make a cover, maybe an intro, maybe an outro.  And I need to photocopy it and bind it.  What a pita.

And I promised someone I'd look through the easily accessible portion of my zine collection for political zines.  I just want to rest and ignore my responsibilities.

Friday, October 07, 2016


peace be with you

I never told you about the guy yesterday at the FedEx store who got so belligerent with the FedEx store worker that she told him she was calling the cops on him.  That was a little too exciting.  We left and went to the Office Depot to avoid that scene.

It's the Catholic Worker National Gathering here in Las Vegas.  I am not participating in everything, but I'm giving a zine workshop at 1.  I am pretty ready.  Ming's giving a permaculture workshop at 3.

Last night we waited up late for houseguests that never came.  Turns out they slept at the Catholic Worker last night without letting us know.  You know me--I'm a planner.  So I would have liked to have known (understatement).

My phone's blogging app doesn't work with my phone's new operating system.  I'll be blogging and it will crash and I'll lose what I was writing.  Sux.

I think that's just about all the news.  I like the way it's cooling off here.  Still going to hit 90 a few days but getting down into the 50s at night.

Thursday, October 06, 2016


We went to the goddess temple yesterday early in the morning.  We walked in the desert then sang in the temple.  It was our retreat.  Then we went to the guesthouse.  I wrote three letters and enjoyed life.  We ate cold leftover pizza.

We did a little work for the priestess and made plans to return next week so Ming can make a rabbit fence for the new orchard.  A new fridge was being delivered, so we took everything off the old fridge, including the poetry magnets, which were mostly stuck on.

Then we napped.  Then we had dinner.  Ming got some rice from the priestess.  We forgot our rice.  I had canned dal and Ming had canned chili.

Then the new fridge was delivered.  The worker had put the fridge door on the wrong side so had to fix it.  Ming and the priestess cleaned out behind where the old fridge was, cleaned out the mouse poop.  I had seen a mouse in the kitchen a few hours earlier.  I was afraid of seeing more.

Then we went to bed and I slept poorly because of pain from my pinched nerve.  (When she was here, our friend K said I should try chiropracty.)  I finally took some advil around 11:30.

We were going to walk early but it was too cold, so in the morning we packed up and left.  I put a donation for the temple in an envelope and wrote a note to the priestess.  I said we love her.

Wednesday, October 05, 2016


"What should I blog, honey?"

"That you're on retreat and you hope everyone has a happy day."


Tuesday, October 04, 2016

bury the dead where they're found

Our houseguest left.  It was good to have her.  We've had a few now.  We're getting good at it, I think.  Or our friends are so great.

That ring I posted a pic of--did I already post that picture?  I love that ring--it's at the goddess temple as an offering.  I love how the gems are set horizontally.  I would like a ring like that one day.

Maybe I should look for a custom jeweler.  But I'm not used to buying myself things like that.

I'm listening to Sufjan Stevens' Carrie & Lowell which makes me think of my ex, all that pain and grief and fucked up-ness.  Death.

Here are some lyrics from "The Only Thing."

The only thing that keeps me from driving this car
Half-light, jack knife into the canyon at night
Signs and wonders, Perseus aligned with the skull
Slain Medusa, Pegasus alight from us all

Do I care if I survive this, bury the dead where they’re found
In a veil of great surprises I wonder did you love me at all?

The only thing that keeps me from cutting my arm
Cross hatch, warm bath, Holiday Inn after dark
Signs and wonders, water stain writing the wall
Daniel’s message, blood of the moon on us all

Do I care if I despise this, nothing else matters, I know
In a veil of great disguises, how do I live with your ghost?

Should I tear my eyes out now?
Everything I see returns to you somehow

--Sufjan Stevens

Monday, October 03, 2016



This morning I got my blood drawn.  They took six vials.  They only had to stick me once, which is nice.  Some phlebotomists have trouble finding my veins.

They had me sign a form saying Medicare might not cover my blood tests, and I could complain about all that but I'll keep it to myself.

Yesterday afternoon our friend K came to town.  She flew in and rented a car and drove here to our house.  Last night we went to Italian food for dinner and it was fun.

Now I'm eating Malt-o-Meal.  What a great name!

Sunday, October 02, 2016


I just watched an inspiring youtube video about giftivism.  I've been thinking about what to do about my zines.  I found that when I gave them away, I had fewer readers than when I sold them.  But I don't enjoy selling them.  I don't like anything about it.

Anyway, today we have a goddess temple council meeting.  I look forward to it.  The priestess asked us to watch that video to get ideas about the temple and how it can be self-sustaining.

Also today I meet with a young woman who I'm starting a support group with.

Also today a friend arrives by plane.  She will stay one or two nights.  She's renting a car.  This morning Ming made her bed.

I feel anxious.  I feel like my body is pumping out anxiety.  I had a med change, and I feel sure that's why.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

dream earrings

Up in the night with pinched nerve pain. It's getting worse. Sleepy. I took two generic Aleves. Maybe they'll help. 

Dreamt about the peace walk but it was really complicated. Then that we had to move out really fast and Ming was baking cookies with some dough we had in the fridge. Also some earrings for sale--I liked these purple ones. Dreams and dream earrings.