dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Sunday, September 30, 2018

sweet potato peanut butter stew

I made this delicious vegan stew with sweet potatoes and peanut butter.  Wow, I'm suddenly a fiend for it.  What amazing flavors.

olive oil
large onion diced
several cloves garlic minced
two sweet potatoes peeled and diced
three tsp chili powder
some pepper
tablespoon vegan better than b
three cups water
can diced tomatoes plus their juice
can garbanzo beans drained
half cup smooth peanut butter
a little garlic powder
a little cayenne pepper

Saute the onion in olive oil with garlic.  Add the sweet potatoes and spices.  Saute as long as you like.  Add the better than b and well I guess everything except the greens.  Cook until the sweet potatoes are soft.  Depends on how big you cut them.  Then add the greens and cook till they're wilted.

This would be good with rice or quinoa too!

Thanks to Ming for chopping veg.

Adapted from this here.

heat exhaustion

Yesterday I got heat exhaustion.  It was a terrible feeling.  Got a ride home and it took so long for me to cool down.  I was afraid. 

Also had the worst headache.  I got woozy and weird.  I started talking to myself, giving myself instructions and encouragement.

Drank most of a cold ginger ale, took two advil, and went to sleep with a fan blowing on me.  Woke up cold some time later and put the covers on.

Then Ming came home and woke me up.  I thought I felt better and considered going out to Radical Mental Health with him.  Then I ate something and felt horrible again.

So it's been up and down.  Trying to keep drinking water.  I learned something anyway.  Never do that again.

Friday, September 28, 2018

did I ever post this picture?

praying for pizza

For a long time I didn't sign internet petitions, thinking they were pointless.  But then recently I signed a couple, desperate.

I'm up in the middle of the night.  Ate cake.

My friend brought a couple boxes of her things to Happy Earth Market to give away.  I was gifted a plastic Virgin of Guadalupe that I love.  She's with me on my desk, keeping me company.

As my three-month cough becomes a four-month cough, I see how medicine fails me.  We went to winco looking for cheap allergy meds and wow.

Yesterday I got a letter from one of my favorite friends.  He made me a homemade advent calendar for my birthday, but instead of a little piece of chocolate behind every door, there's the name of a song I'm to look up on youtube and listen to, every day.

I had emergency therapy.  Thought I'd just cry the whole hour but talked instead.

I was lying in bed and started praying.  I had some kind of inspiration.  I remembered when I used to pray myself to sleep, which would sometimes result in strange requests.

Thursday, September 27, 2018


I feel overwhelmed by the enormity of life's requirements.  My to do list feels eternal.  Things pile up.  I'm spread thin with too many responsibilities.

Yesterday we went to Cricket and got a plan with them that will save us $50 a month.  I hope the service is good.

Yesterday I was so mad I couldn't do the chair yoga because I'm not a senior.  I was fuming.  My friend told me to lie down.  So I did and cried and slept and woke up feeling better.

Apropos to nothing, I read this morning that Malcolm X was bisexual.  I didn't know.

I was dreaming I found a wad of documents and money on the floor in a post office.  I put them in my armpit then my back pocket.  I was greedy for the money.  The wad was closed with a little snap.

Today I have peace vigil at 9 and nothing else I have to do at any particular time.  Saturday is Pagan Pride.  I feel like I need a good deep rest that's not going to happen.

Wednesday, September 26, 2018

wild horses

Woke up with some energy wanting to get things done before breakfast.  Sending emails to those Ming met yesterday at the PBS mental health thing.  It's work.

Yesterday I talked to a worker at Credo trying to figure out if I could get cheaper cell phone service from them.  Short answer is yes.  But Cricket might be tons cheaper yet, and people are telling me they've improved.  So we will probably go there when they open at 10.

Unfortunately it's supposed to hit 98 degrees on Saturday and we're tabling outdoors at Pagan Pride for NDE.  I'm not amused.

When we saw my mom she gave me this red warmness I thought was lost forever.  It used to be hers.  "Here, I washed this for you," she told me.  I was overjoyed.

The forum where I gratitude journaled is down, so I better figure out some other way.

Yesterday at community lunch I lingered, happy with my peeps.  They ate the last of my birthday cake.

"I heard you had special surprise guests are your birthday party," L said.  Wild horses walked by, when we were at the cabin.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

jubilation, she loves me again

Gmorning.  Here I find myself at a starbux while Ming does the PBS mental health event.  I couldn't go because they are playing a movie that looks super disturbing about a lady in an abandoned farmhouse starving to death on apples?  Why would anyone want to see that?

I wanted to boycott starbux for a deal they signed with Nestle--yuck.  Nestle is terrible.  But it can be hard to break a habit.  I'll improve.

They're playing Simon and Garfunkle, songs I loved when I was a teenager alone in my bedroom, but they feel different now.

So this afternoon is community dinner and I don't have to do anything else.  Need rest and quiet.

This starbux is decorated for halloween with fake spiderwebs and I'm like, whatever.  I helped a dressed up lady carry a bunch of drinks to her car.  It's almost the anniversary of the shooting, and I am cranky about that too.

Monday, September 24, 2018

grumpy day

Woke up happy with a good attitude about upcoming events.  It's been downhill from there.

Now Ming is the happy one.  We're at the Barstow panera eating a late breakfast.  Please say a prayer for us, if you like to pray.

We're traveling home and then tomorrow morning Ming is tabling at this mental health forum thing put on by PBS.

Sunday, September 23, 2018

tree collard

Gmorning.  Here's the tree collard Ming planted in the undisclosed location maybe a year ago.  So pretty in the light.

Saturday, September 22, 2018


Yesterday on our way back from Santa Barbara we picked up a hitchhiker at the beautiful Gaviota rest stop.  He was maybe a little younger than I am with a backpack, just him.  I had never picked up a hitchhiker before.

He was nice.  We both went to UCSB.  He had studied engineering.  Ming talked his ear off about Nevada Desert Experience and our events and Catholic Worker.  I said a little about zines.  He was very respectful and polite.  Seemed curious.

His story didn't hold together entirely.  He was headed north toward San Francisco but was unattached to actually arriving there.  Something about his sister who lived there heading south to see him, but how could she visit him in Santa Barbara if he was in San Francisco?

We dropped him off at a gas station with good luck and NDE event fliers.  I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him again--I'm bad with faces--but he said his name was Kyle.

"Mom, I did something you're not going to like.  Don't get mad at me, okay?" I asked Mom yesterday evening.  "We picked up a hitchhiker--it was my first time.  He was nice!"

Mom made upset sounds and said, "Let your first time be your last!"

Friday, September 21, 2018


When Ming called my doctor, the assistant said the other assistant had spoken to me last week, which didn't happen, so I wonder who she spoke to?  Anyway, my chest x-ray is normal.  Glad.

Today we're going toward Santa Barbara so I can see my bestie and her baby.  And the sea.

Thursday, September 20, 2018

happy birthday to me

Well, it's my birthday.  My credit card, the clear plastic laminating stuff is peeling off so it wouldn't go in the machine right.  The worker typed in my stuff manually and asked for my zip code.

Was reading this article about what happens to homeless people in Phoenix when they die.  Their bodies are buried by prisoners in orange clothes while prison guards watch.  The article has pictures, and I was looking at the prisoners in prayer, which made me cry.


I bought a postcard Support Your Local Farmer and a cute bamboo spoon for myself while Ming parked.  The postcard is for my friend in Idaho who isn't really a farmer anymore.

I miss my dad, which is making me cry too.  But we did our best.  No regrets, I think, as I list the options of what I could be regretting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

good time

It's early morning, the trains are out, the sun is coming up over the powerplant windmills.  That's what Ming said.  He's playing with his phone.

I had fitful dreams and my shoulder hurt so I got up at 5am, done trying.

I seem to be coughing less.  Maybe I'm getting better?  It's been a week since my chest x-ray and my doctor still hasn't called me back.  I'd like to fire her, but I don't know a better alternative.

Think I left my favorite socks on the clothesline.  I'm going to ask R to take them down.  They're a happy turquoise kind of color.

I need to make a list of all the changes I want to make in my life.  Birthday's a good time.

Tuesday, September 18, 2018


Yesterday I hit 30 days straight playing duolingo Spanish.  It's rare for me to have a goal.  So it's nice.

We are overly busy.  We need to trim some things because too much is falling by the wayside.

But I guess that's to consider when we return home.  We are heading to the undisclosed location today to see Mom for my birthday.  Will be back in a week.

Monday, September 17, 2018

making meaning

This morning we overslept.  I think I let my 5:30 alarm go off for half an hour.  It turned itself off.  So it will be hard to get to my therapist by 9.  We'll see.  Ming is doing the Catholic Worker costco run right now by himself. 

Tomorrow we leave town.  I feel pretty happy about it.  Today we go to the cabin to celebrate my birthday.  The cabin is on Mt Charleston and I love it there.  The air feels good.

Last night we had a meeting of the radical mental health collective.  We were talking about making meaning, among other things.  It's something I struggle with.  But Ming doesn't.

Sunday, September 16, 2018

Happy Earth Market

he played this one last night

homicidal fairy

At the thrift store the other day, I got this notebook filled with green paper--the paper is very nice, but Tinkerbell is on the cover.  I really don't like her--she tried to kill Wendy--she is a homicidal fairy.  It was a dollar.

Last night we went to Happy Earth Market to hear R perform.  We pulled up right when he did.  Few people were there.  He did his entire repertoire, which I wasn't expecting.  He missed a song, and I shouted its title to him to remind him, toward the end.  Unfortunately it's a new song and he doesn't have the lyrics quite memorized, and he stumbled.

"You look nice," I told him when he hugged me.

"It's laundry day," he said.  He was wearing a beautiful white linen shirt and some dark gray dress pants that went to mid-calf.  I should have taken a picture.

Yesterday I wore my new pants for the first time, the ones with little green flowers all over them.  I find them charming, but they're pretty weird.  I actually have two pair because of an ordering mishap, but luckily they fit great.

My cough is worse than ever.  What's the point of enduring the hell of doctors if they prescribe medication my insurance doesn't cover and don't call me back about the results of the chest x-ray?  I'm afraid something's really wrong and my birthday trip will be canceled.

Waiting for the sun to come up so I can see well enough to put the laundry in.  But I've done it in the dark.  If Ming was up I'd borrow a headlamp, but strangely, he's still sleeping.  Wish I had my own headlamp.  He's the master of all things flashlight.

Saturday, September 15, 2018


Our new coffee maker has a golden mesh filter.  It doesn't use paper filters.  I never had that kind.  Ming ran water thru the machine twice and now we can use it.

Today I'm going to a thing I don't want to go to, but I signed up and paid $15 a while back.  Ming might go to a movie.  Also there's the native plant sale at Springs Preserve.

I just want to do my things--blog, duolingo, gratitude journal, email friends, write letters.  So much stationery, so little time.

Friday, September 14, 2018


I wish people would be more clear about what they want from me and I can say yes or no.  Sometimes I feel like requests are buried and it requires a lot of effort to sort everything out.

Yesterday Ming and I had an argument.  I got my feelings hurt.  We need to reduce his stress level.  I want to make a list of what to fix.

Yesterday at a thrift store they had a bunch of Korean stationery.  I had to hold myself back.  Got a couple books too.

You can't buy energy, but you can buy coffee.  We finally got a coffee machine, but we haven't set it up yet.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

good deed

Yesterday I friended three people on facebook who I was close to when I was a teenager.  None accepted.  That's okay.

What is facebook for, anyway?  I'm upset about some prisoners who are in the hurricane's path not being evacuated.  What a fucked up world.

Yesterday we went to boba after my chest x-ray as a reward.  Ming got a strawberry lychee slushie and jalapeno poppers.  We bought fries for the homeless person who was sitting outside with his backpack by our van.  He seemed appreciative.  There but for the grace of God go I, right?

I bought these beautiful tomatoes at the store and don't know what to do with them.  Maybe I'll have tomato toast.

The little $2 rosemary plant I bought is doing well.  It cheers me.  I feel good today.  Got up at 4am, only need to peace vigil at 9.  Maybe Ming and I can have a date.

My friend A wants me to listen to a podcast he loved about Derrida and language.  He didn't know Derrida was a professor where I went to grad school and I had to study his ideas.  But I don't remember anything.

Someone else told me a podcast to listen to too.  Sometimes it's work, being a good friend.

Wednesday, September 12, 2018


Yesterday I was cooking when I noticed the flame went out.  The flame on my rice was out too.  We were out of propane.

It was bad timing, but Ming switched out tanks.  But I didn't know what to do about the rice, brown rice.  I brought it to a boil again and simmered it another half hour or so then let it sit for a long time.

The results were not good.  The rice had a weird texture.  It was slightly underdone yet kind of gummy.  But all of the water had been absorbed.

Last night A came over.  He was here till almost 1.  He had a coconut.  We drank the coconut water and ate some of the nut.  He also brought strawberries and oranges.  He read to me and I cried.  The book is emotional.

Yesterday when I went to the doctor for this cough I've had three months, she ordered a chest x-ray and allergy meds.  I will get them today.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

the driveway

Between the three houses and the street, there's a gravel driveway.  Neighbors park there, and all of us who live here have feelings about it.

Yesterday, Ming and I were going to leave the house on an errand.  A mother with two little children had just parked in our driveway.  They climbed out of their car and walked across the street.

I was so mad.  I was like, "Who would park in another person's driveway?"  Then when I got into our van, I bumped my head on the doorframe.

H says gang members park in our driveway.  I think he also said he's seen them doing drugs in our driveway.  So it's not just being territorial or spiteful--maybe there's an actual danger here.

Ming got a quote from a fence company, and it would cost them more than a thousand dollars to put in some poles and some chains and some locks.

So R said he would do it.  Then school started.

I'm annoyed that we have to go through all this work and expense to prevent people from doing something they really shouldn't be doing in the first place.  It's really not that hard to park on the street.

Monday, September 10, 2018


Everything feels like an ordeal.  I'm dragging my feet. 

Today all I have to do is help with a Catholic Worker costco shop and walk down the street to the MLK statue for a suicide prevention vigil.  But those things feel like too much.

It's like I need a lot of downtime, but when I have it, I don't know what to do with myself.  I've got the sads.

Sunday, September 09, 2018


I went outside to see the morning.  It was cool.  The sky was a pretty color.  All the cats looked at me.  Maybe they were hungry.

Ming did good at the naked bike ride.  He says it was almost ten miles.

What good can I do today?

Saturday, September 08, 2018

naked bike ride

I need to serve the hungry this morning and go to a meeting.  But I feel like I can't stand to be around people.  Oh well, I have to go.

Afterward I want to buy pear cider at a farm.  That's my reward.  There will be people at the farm, but I don't have to talk to them.

Tonight's the naked bike ride.  Ming is going as a medic.  But he's having trouble with a bike tire.  I think his bike is a piece of crap.

I'm feeling horrible.  I don't want to take a shower.  I don't like getting wet.

But a cricket outside is chirping, where it's still night.

Friday, September 07, 2018


I've had this cough for about three months.  I feel disappointed in my body's ability to heal.

But I remember once when I was a teenager, I had a cough this long, and I think the doctor said it was bronchitis, when I finally went.  But what is bronchitis?

The sky is starting to light.  Ming's going to serve the hungry after debating whether to go.

We have a visioning meeting this morning.  I need some downtime.

Thursday, September 06, 2018


I have a lot of potatoes.  They were $2.88 for ten pounds at winco, and I used to buy organic potatoes but I'm trying hard to save money and get us out of car repair credit card debt.  What do you like to make with potatoes?

Lots to do today.  I'd rather not.  Peace vigil at new location, presentation at Stillpoint, and prayer thing potluck in the evening.  I said I'd bring something for the prayer thing, and I still haven't figured it out.  If all else fails, a Rumi poem could work.

Wednesday, September 05, 2018

amazing pasta

Yesterday I made some amazing pasta.  There's a trend of making sauce in the pasta boiling liquid.  Do you know about this?  So it's a one-pot meal.  Turned out great!


All this cooking is good for the budget, the health, and the soul.  Thanks to Ming for chopping onions and garlic.

Getting a lot done.  Love to all.

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

hip hip horray

Here's prettymuch the potato salad I made yesterday only I left out the celery and scallions.  And I used the wrong kind of potatoes.  Turned out great!  Three cheers for vegan potato salad.


Monday, September 03, 2018

a better world starts here


We're cooking up a pot of red beans.  I made avocado toast for breakfast. 

We might go to Amber Unicorn bookstore for a labor day sale.  But don't let me buy any books.  I don't need anything.

Sometimes my cough seems pretty bad.  I've been doing tons of selfcare.  Writing my dreams.

Yesterday we were driving to winco.  As I passenged, I fell asleep over and over again.  In one of my dreams I had a caseworker who was making me run for city council.

Sunday, September 02, 2018

coffee rich

Gmorning.  I was up so late last night because A was here till after 1am.  Then at 5am Ming's alarm went off and I couldn't go back to sleep.  So I wrote a letter and here I am.  The sky is starting to light.

Ming cleaned out the freezer.  Goodbye to the old frozen bananas, ancient corn.  We are rich in coffee, we realize now.  Too bad I don't drink coffee.  Well, not really.

We used to do Food Not Bombs every Sunday morning.  Then tons of drama happened and things changed.  But we still have a bucket of pinto beans as a sad souvenir. 

Well, it's a holiday tomorrow and no mail.  My pile of outgoing is quite a stack and the weekend is young.

Saturday, September 01, 2018


I have this owie on my leg.  It's like a pimple that got out of control.  Not sure what to do about it.  It's on my right calf.

We went to this Hawaiian breakfast restaurant by Trader Joe's.  The guava chiffon pancakes were strange.  What's chiffon mean?  I thought that was a fabric.

We have no plans all weekend, except the stuff we've already done this morning.  Wow, we're free.