dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Monday, September 30, 2013

Las Vegas poem

four gunshots at 2:18 am
police helicopter at 2:42


I am up in the middle of the night.  I was not sleeping, thinking about the meetings and someone who hurt my feelings.  We went to bed early though Catholic Worker doesn't serve Monday or Tuesday mornings so we don't need to be up at 6.  I feel restless.

I wish I had something fun to tell you.  Yesterday my friend P called.  It was good to hear from an old friend.  Ming and I will be back in Sacramento for Durga puja, but we won't be there for practices.  I know the songs already, but I will be rusty, especially for a difficult one.  Ming doesn't know the songs, but he can still sit with the choir and sing vespers songs.

Yesterday we forgot to buy bread.  We forgot to buy some veggies too.  We looked at the mushrooms, but they looked bad.  This grocery store's produce is erratic.  I feel like making curried greens with beans.  Maybe we'll go back to the store tomorrow while running other errands and I can pick up ingredients.  I need to deposit a birthday check and buy stamps. 

But you don't need to know my errands.  We ate all the wafer cookies. 

Sunday, September 29, 2013

wafer cookies

The meeting is over, the two day meeting.  Today we bought some cheap cookies at the Mexican grocery store.  They are vanilla wafer cookies with chocolate filling.  I think the whole package was 89 cents.  Ming's eating some. 

I think we're staying in Las Vegas for another most of a week.  I foresee a trip to the M&M chocolate factory in our future.  And a museum on the campus of the university.  And more serving the hungry with Catholic Worker.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Laura-Marie stars in Too Much Meeting

Today I was in a board meeting for seven hours.  We had a lunch break, but we kept talking like a meeting sort of at lunch time.  So I'm counting it as seven hours.  SCREW THAT!  That is too much meeting for me.  I am losing my mind.  Also, my body is behaving strangely.  I can't sleep and my muscles feel all wrong.  They ache and are stiff and restless.  I think too many stress chemicals built up. 

After the meeting, we had a dinner, so that was more social time, and I'm afraid I needed to excuse myself, to take care of myself by excusing myself.  I made a mistake.

Tomorrow is more board meeting, supposedly only two hours of it, but I'm afraid I can't do it but don't know how to go about getting out of it.  I'll talk to Ming.

Friday, September 27, 2013

in Las Vegas

Yesterday morning we witnessed our first high speed car chase.  Ming saw / heard some cop cars with sirens and pulled over.  Then a car flew by really really fast.  We were like, "That's odd," then saw the three cop cars pursuing it.

Today we went to Valley of Fire State Park and saw some good desert.  I liked the mouse trail with water at the end.  We saw petroglyphs!  But we forgot our camera.  Sorry about that.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

barn day

It's tradition for me to have enchiladas for my birthday dinner, with rice and beans, and today we bought some delicata squash, my favorite squash, at Avila Barn.  So I got the idea of putting some delicata squash into a few of the enchiladas, and we'll see.

I napped this afternoon in the luxurious white bed.  It's heavenly.

At Avila Barn we fed lettuce to goats.  There were two white baby ones.  We looked at the emus and horses and alpacas.  Mom said the cow told Mom that the cow was unhappy.  The cow did look unhappy, with so many flies.  Oh, there were three pigs too.  And two chickens were fighting.  They looked beautiful.  The feathers on their necks flared out. 

My aunt gave us a tour of her garden--she's doing all raised beds now with chicken wire on the bottom because she's done with gophers.  She showed us her volunteer cilantro, her volunteer tomatoes and tomatillos.  She gave me some green salsa she made.  She told me happy birthday.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

fun with parents

Last night I dreamt of arguing with someone about God.  I said, "You think God is some white guy up in the sky sitting like this and making judgements about us."  The person I was arguing with was indignant.  Later in the fight she said she thought God was blue. 

Yesterday was my birthday.  Mom said my age was traumatic for her.  I was feeling pretty good about my age until she said that.  They put the full number of candles on my cake, and I thought I was going to be able to blow them all out, but it took three tries.  I forgot to make a wish. 

Last night we were up talking (Ming and me and parents) until after 11, way past out bedtimes.  But it was good to be together.  I had wanted to play cards, but maybe another time.  Dad left the tv off, which was great for me. 

Today: maybe lunch out, maybe apple tasting at Gopher Glenn, maybe the beach. 

Friday, September 20, 2013

today's prediction

Free breakfast, a birthday, a new psychiatrist,
a rush, a journey, family,
maybe cake, and finally sleep.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013


I got three Prince cds out from the library.  And a Regina Spektor.

Today we did the bulletin at church then had tea with Swami.  It was good.  Then we went to the library where I wrote a letter and finished another.

Last night I dreamt of being trapped at this haunted place where Ming and I had to play games with ghosts and try to get out.  Eventually we fled.

Monday, September 16, 2013

gaming and thrifting

The game yesterday morning was great.  I was an animist named Moss.  Ming was a collectivist named Ash.  Our friends were a gardener named Leaf and a scavenger called Pilar.  I had a bag of dried herbs and mushrooms and saw spirits.  We laughed a lot and got stuck sometimes but had lots of fun.  Yay for trying to new things.

Afterward I wanted to go to Old Sac for some free candy, but once you pay for parking it's not really free anymore.  I wanted more of that tea-flavored candy.

Today we went thrift store shopping.  I got a skirt, a pair of shorts, and a dark red teeshirt.  I also got a few notecards with pictures of boats on them.  Ming got a cute light blue ringer tee with dark blue trim.  And a bright green teeshirt, like neon green, which is similar to mine of the same color. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

how to get cash back from a gift card

The mango lemonade we bought yesterday doesn't taste like lemonade!  Ming said it tastes like mango soda.  Without the carbonation, I said.  The weird thing is that the strawberry lemonade definitely tastes like lemonade.  So we pondered the difference.  Ming said something about opaqueness, and I said something about cause vs effect.  We didn't make much progress.  But it was on sale, so the sign said, but then it rang up as full price, so then we got refunded $2.99 in cash.  And that's how you get cash back from a gift card.

ballots, singalong, fruit run, bread run, game plans

Good morning.  Yesterday we counted ballots.  Ming was chair, so we had to go early and set up.  I worked on a letter.  The whole experience wasn't quite as stressful as I expected.  It went smoothly, and we did a great job.

Then we went to open mic night at my mental health place.  We went mostly for the free pizza.  But it was great.  The singalong made me teary, for some reason.  A room full of crazy people singing together about hard times--it was moving and poignant. We had song books, and the band playing with us was good.

The third performer's music was too loud.  We were sitting right by the amp.  I felt rattled by it for hours afterward.  I needed to go.

So we went to Safeway and bought a bunch of fruit.  Then we did bread pickup and delivered it where it goes.  Then we came home and thought about playing cards but didn't. 

Today we go to breakfast with friends and play a zine-based post-apocalyptic storytelling game with them, our gamer friends. 

Friday, September 13, 2013

day starts bad, gets worse, and gets better

1.  dept of human assistance
2.  food bank
3.  argument
4.  cool breeze
5.  good mail

Oh, but it was egg day this morning at free breakfast.  So the day didn't start all the way bad.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

paper doll Laura-Marie

In group yesterday we made paper dolls of ourselves.  On the front side of mine I wrote what people see when they look at me.

On the back side I wrote what people see when they get to know me.  

From this exercise I conclude the my self esteem isn't in the shithole I thought it was.  Well, I have no faith in making a good impression on people.  But I believe that there's good underneath.

two food lists

This morning I went to free breakfast and met a new friend.  She is sweet.  She practiced her English on me.

strawberry yogurt
cut up nectarines
blueberry bagel

They said there's no word for bagel in Spanish.  They said there are no bagels in Mexico!

Then Ming and I went to church food giveaway where I was very happy to get my favorite kind of bread.

seedy bread
canned peas
canned Chinese mushrooms
two onions
bagged lettuce
some pastries

They threw away some huge bags of rice.  They must have gotten bugs in them?

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

fruit drive, mail drive, bike drive

the cycle of fruit
three green pluots left on the kitchen table
the cycle of mail
two half-written letters on the desk
the cycle of bike
one unridden rock hopper in the laundry room

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

four bin compost system and some tomatoes

This morning we were woken up by someone whistling.  It wasn't a tune--it was more of the way you'd whistle to a dog?  But over and over again, with no apparent response or change.  It was weird and annoying at about 6:20.

Then we went to the community garden and pulled some weeds, watered, turned compost.  I took some pictures for you.


Bin 1.

Bin 2!


Bin 3.

Bin 4 with our favorite gardener.  Ming moved stuff from bin 1 to bin 2.  I moved stuff from bin 3 to the screen on top of bin 4.  I got grossed out by all the worms.  Lots of creatures! 

At home we have a lot of cherry tomatoes.  We planted one way back in April, and it's produced far more than all the others combined.  So here's a pic Ming took of some tomatoes he picked the other day.

Monday, September 09, 2013

if it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointments

Today I received confusing paperwork in the mail.  And the mail came at a confusing time. 

This morning at free breakfast I had oatmeal with strawberry jam in it, strawberry yogurt, and strawberries. 

I wrote someone a long letter and lost it.  But I hope to find it on the right side of my desk sometime soon.

I found some Modern Art in America stamps while looking for the lost letter.

Lots of stuff's going on that I don't know how to talk about, but it's here, ringing like a bell.  It reminds me of my favorite They Might Be Giants quote: if it wasn't for disappointment, I wouldn't have any appointments.  Unfortunately I do have appointments, but they go hand in hand with the disappointments.

Saturday, September 07, 2013

Moon Over Goldsboro

This song is a humdinger for me, so emotional, one of the best by the Mountain Goats but nothing I actually want to hear.  But it starts like this, so I think about it all the time now that kids are cheering and screaming at the high school which is one block over.

I went down to the gas staion
for no particular reason,
heard the screams from the high school--
it's football season.

Friday, September 06, 2013

free candy

This morning I went to free breakfast.  It was not egg day.  I thought when school started, Fridays would be eggs days again.  Maybe the school that made the eggs is not in session yet, or maybe they discontinued their egg making.

Anyway, Ming and I went to Perko's to check out their meeting room.  We have a game we want to play with friends but nowhere to play it.

Then we went to Old Sac where we got free candy.  I got two pieces of taffy: hot chocolate and...?  Can't remember.  Ming got some tea flavored candy and let me try it.  It was delicious.  I liked looking at the candy.

We read historical markers and thought about the railroad and pony express.

Today again we'll await the mail.  Last night I dreamt of tying something with ribbon.  Today we passed a sock store and there were shoelaces in the window.  I want something like shoelaces to sew to my new hat as ties for when it's windy.  But I didn't want to pay $4. 

Do you have anything I can sew to my hat as ties?  I was thinking something dark green.


I thought of you when Ming and I were at the park yesterday--I took pictures of the now-colorful lionfish for you.  They used to be just white.  When the playground got burned and then rebuilt, they painted the lionfish.  Anyway, see for yourself.

Thursday, September 05, 2013

no show

Today we had a fantastic jelly bean party.  We listened to Sufjan Stevens, played cards, and ate jelly beans.  Ming won.  I was River--he was Clam.  It was 310 to 360, I think.  I was playing really well then got dealt some bad hands.  Then I was waiting for a few certain cards that never showed.  It reminds me of life.

I really needed the mail to come, so we moved some chairs out onto the landing and waited for the mail.  It was late.  Ming got his horihori and removed some of the wisteria that climbs onto the railing from the neighbor's wisteria tangle.

The mail did come, but it was only AAA asking me to pay them $92.  The thing I sought did not arrive.  Tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 04, 2013

today's list

Vegan ice cream with magic shell--check.  Video game explosion sounds coming from next door--check.  Ming on the phone with his kid--check.  Texts about food stamps--check.  Back pain--check.  Waiting for fall--check.

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

Unrequited Symbiosis

My bestie got something published I'd like to share with you.


Monday, September 02, 2013

me in Boise

Here's me in Boise on a bench smiling at Ming.

friend love

Here's me and my friend S-N in Berkeley on Friday.

public transit hell and SF Zine Fest

Yesterday: San Francisco Zine Fest and public transit hell.  It's because the Bay Bridge is closed so no one can get into the city without taking public transit so it was packed.  We had to wait for a long time for N toward Ocean Beach too.  Then once we caught an N, it skipped some stops and the people behind us were freaking out and saying bad words.  I was having trouble with their feelings.

We went with our friends HR and M.  We got to talk with them a lot, and it was good to be with them.

The fest itself I was not too hungry for since I feel like we were just at Portland Zine Symposium.  But I traded for a few zines, and it was pretty fun.

Today we went on a fruit run / jelly bean run.  We also got peanutbutter, strawberry and blackberry preserves, bread, fake sausages for tonight's BBQ the neighbor invited us to.  It's rainy, which I love.  So maybe the showers passed or maybe the BBQ is off.