dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Wednesday, April 30, 2008


I made copies this morning. I made 50 more of functionally ill #3 and 40 more of functionally ill #1. I'm happy to be collating, folding, and binding.

I'm sick of all the regular food I eat. If I have one more cheese and lettuce sandwich, I'll just I-don't-know-what. For lunch I found some tomato soup in the cupboard and made toast and ate an orange cut into circles. That was different.

not cool

Today I got some bad news--my fee waiver for that $2500 bill was denied. Next I need to try applying for MediCal and / or the indigent program. I doubt I will qualify for either. But I'll call and try to set up an appointment for that.

I walked to my mental health place today for the first time. It only took 20 minutes--I was surprised. Some of the trip there's no sidewalk, and I'm kind of paranoid about getting hit by a car. But I think I'll do it again.

I got an email today that I was waiting for, an email from G. Now I need to decide how to proceed. I've been thinking a lot about being cool. I'm not a cool person--I'm a passionate person. But when I get into emotional situations, I try to play cool. I'm evaluating how well that works for me. I want to be myself. So maybe I should let myself be the way I naturally am.

I got another important email today, one from the company I score for online, and they invited to me score another project for them (Arkansas) starting right away and running until Mary 7th. SAT scoring starts May 8th. So if this happens, I won't have any days off. And it looks like it's going to happen.

Erik hasn't been offered a job scoring Arkansas, which makes sense since he's still scoring North Carolina.

I started a new lj for my dreams. I like it. I've been remembering them really steadily lately, maybe because I started writing them down.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

all things grow, all things grow

I forgot to report that the Spongebob movie was okay. We laughed a few times. Mostly it was good to do something different. And it was definitely light hearted.

Last night I started functionally ill #4. I barely have anything, but it's good to begin.

I've been writing poems like crazy, but none of them are masterpieces.

I feel like going up into the foothills to look at wildflowers and wish this were possible.

Monday, April 28, 2008

plain haystacks

The other day I made some carob haystacks. They're just like chocolate haystacks only I can't have chocolate, so I use carob powder instead of cocoa. They're quite tasty.

But this morning I decided to try making plain haystacks. I was afraid they might be bland, but they're delicious. The brown sugar and peanut butter and vanilla give plenty of flavor. Let me tell you the recipe.

1/4 cup soymilk
1 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup butter

1 tsp vanilla
dash salt
1/3 cup peanut butter
1 1/2 cups oats

Combine the first three in a saucepan and heat to boiling. Let sit one minute. Then add everything else and mix well. Drop by spoonfuls on waxed paper and refrigerate half an hour.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

two things I failed to mention

A couple weeks ago someone hit our car. It was at night--our car was parked on the street--someone hit it and left a note. The note said he hit our car above the left rear wheel, so we looked there, saw the tiniest ding, and were like, "No big deal." So I called the guy and told him so.

Then later that day, I went out to the car and saw the dent on the driver's door. It was much more than a ding. But we were extremely stressed out at the time, and I didn't want to deal with calling the guy back and getting the insurance info and taking it to a body shop. I talked to a friend about it, and we weighed pros and cons. What it comes down to is that neither of us had the strength at the time. If it happened today, it would be a different story.

One of the reasons we were so stressed out is thing I failed to mention number two. We got a bill from county for more than $2500. They decided to bill us for all the medication I ever got from them that they hadn't already billed us for. We were shocked, and I did another fee waiver form. My caseworker said she would call me, and I haven't heard from her. I will call her Monday.

I was too stressed out at the time to talk about these things, but I thought I would mention them now for the record.

accidental napping

I was washing dishes and my back hurt, so I lay down for a few minutes and woke up an hour later.

It's warm--we've had the air conditioner on all afternoon. Erik's scoring North Carolina--his project is still going.

Tonight we're watching the Spongebob Squarepants movie I checked out from the library. We've never seen any Spongebob, but I've heard good things, and we could really use something lighthearted around here.

Mage game

Yesterday I was so relieved when my project scored out. Then at 4 Erik took me to my friend H's house in West Sacramento. It was my first time there. She lives with a married couple C and J. I was going to watch a Mage game.

I had already met most of the people who were at the game at H's tea party a couple months ago. At the tea party, seated next to me was a charmer named B who tried to engage me in conversation and kept making bad moves. For example, he wanted to talk about movies, but I don't watch movies. Then he tried to talk about poetry and failed. We ended up mildly frustrated but amused.

Across from me at the tea party was a cute couple named J and I forget the guy's name. They both came wearing jester hats. I really liked J's good naturedness, her good heartedness, and her slow, musical way of speaking.

Anyway, as I was outside H's house, not sure which house was hers, calling her on her cell phone and getting no answer, I saw a car pull up full of people and recognized J in the back seat. I was relieved because I knew they would know which house to go to. B recognized me, and I went to shake his hand, but he hugged me. He was wearing a suit and tie. His main character is Sterling, and that's how Sterling dresses.

I won't recount every detail of the game, but I will say that I spent most of my time with H, B, and J, which was just good luck. Their characters are all in the same cabal. The game started with cabal meetings, so the group split in two. I stayed with H and enjoyed watching them play.

Rather than dice they use cards as random number generators. About 15 years ago I watched one D&D game at the home of strangers, but I was only there for a short time and felt bewildered. So this Mage game was pretty much the first role playing game I had ever witnessed.

It was still passover, so we ate pizza made on matzo crackers. Also, there was a sponge cake with warm berries.

Erik picked me up at 9. I enjoyed my time but was ready to go. Paying such close attention to people I don't know very well was exhausting. I hugged H hello and goodbye. She suggested we get coffee soon. I said something noncommittal though I would love to see her.

Saturday, April 26, 2008


After three weeks, my project scoring North Carolina is over. I feel glad to be finished. I also feel grateful to have been privy to the fourth grader's mind. Their world is full of magic and parents who don't believe. They still know how to play. I wish to be a fourth grader again for a little while.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I observe

Smells are strong today: jasmine, roses, a banana. Maybe it's the heat.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

can't think of a title

Today I worked at the Vedanta bookstore, my regular Thursday afternoon volunteer shift. I needed to make some tapes, but we type the labels on a typewriter, but it ran out of ribbon. Someone bought a new ribbon for me, but I didn't have the first idea how to install it. So I had to make the labels by hand.

My friend R visits me every week. Before, I thought he hated me. But I think we're getting comfortable with one another. I think initially we were wary of one another. He made me nervous. But he put his life in my hands a few times: I held the ladder while he took risks, like pruning high bushes and trying to reach things on the roof.

Some customers came in right before closing time, and they had a list of books they were looking for, so I had to help them search. It was hard. But we found almost everything. They ended up buying about eight books. But most of them were super cheap Indian books. I got out of there late.

Sometimes I just stared out the window, listening to music, seeing the new growth leaves of a tree outside glowing in the light. I have this CD I made myself of mostly yoga tunes. Back when I had a working CD burner.

Then I scored some in the evening. I ended up scoring three and a half hours today, which is really good, for me. And I think we're done. I will log in tomorrow morning and see. But Erik's grade isn't done.

We went for a night walk, which is unheard of. I was afraid of getting shot. So we didn't walk that long. I wanted to keep to the main roads--I thought that would be safer. Don't actually know. We were walking because Erik was upset about politics.

I am super sleepy. Erik's sitting. I'm dizzy with sleepiness. So good night.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

what would the community think?

I used to be really weird about new music. I had to get psyched out to listen to it. I needed to feel stable to let something so powerful into my head. And I felt stable so rarely. So it would take me forever to listen to music people gave to me. But I really was doing my best to listen to that music.

Anyway, I changed. I listen to new music all the time now. But I would like to apologize. I'm sorry.

Also in the news, I went to the regular grocery store today. That means I know what the cover of the current Cosmo promises. (Sex secrets, surprisingly enough.) I went looking for clemintines for Erik because that's his favorite snack, and Trader Joe's is all out. I also looked for some certain special pretend ice cream, carrot cake flavor, that I think has been discontinued. We need to look at Whole Foods.

Anyway, I ended up getting some butter pecan pretend ice cream and some real actual caramel Haagen Dazs ice cream in little single-serving packages. Erik just gave me a bite, and it's heavenly. Ice cream is a luxury item, I know. I broke the law.

In addition to cleminintes and the aforementioned ice creams, I got some Brussels sprouts and bananas. Bananas is another of Erik's common snack foods, but he doesn't like them very much. They're just so convenient.

Tonight I'm listening to Cat Power, which is unusual. I think I'm feeling resilient enough.

I had a long talk with my best friend this afternoon. She called me on my cell phone, and I went outside to the car to talk to her so Erik would be undisturbed. The car got hot. E has been listening to me talk for 18 years and is very good at it. She is smart about people and pain and how to move forward. So I'm moving forward.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


This morning I gardened with P. I did a little weeding. I mostly picked up huge piles of sticks and tried to smash them into a green waste can. Then I got the biggest cart and put sticks in the cart. Then I dumped the cart at the place where we put green waste when all the cans are full. Then I did another load. P did all the actual work. I just did clean up. She wanted to completely finish this area out front so we wouldn't have to think about it anymore. "It's perfect," I told her when she kept going back to get just a few more weeds or a few more sticks.

As we gardened, we talked about how Erik and I aren't moving to Portland unless we can get more scoring work online. We talked about her son who's getting out of jail this month, and how hard it is to make arrangements for him to have somewhere to go once he's out. We talked about the way the choir teases her for being demanding. She was wearing a dark blue knit hat that she had pulled down to cover her ears. I noticed her pants looked baggy--I think she's lost more weight, but that's not something we really talk about.

She hugged me hello, which is sort of unusual for gardening. But it's usual to hug goodbye. When I hug her, it makes me smell like her. It's sort of a laundry detergent smell, and I think it also has some makeup smell.

Having a hard time making myself score today. I just want to lie in bed; stare at the picture of Lakshmi, Ganesha, and Sarasvati on the wall; and think about things.

Monday, April 21, 2008

being early, being late

This morning I went to Trader Joe's. I showed up early and didn't have a book to read (before they opened), so I read this map of Pt Reyes National Seashore that happened to be floating around the car. I learned about some explorers who got shipwrecked.

The map also said how the natives who lived there--Miwoks--were "a peaceful people," which reminds me of something a paleontologist once told me about how the vegetarians are the good dinos and the carnivores are the bad dinos. These natives were peaceful, so it's okay for us to like them. However, in all the fourth graders' dinosaur fantasies I read, the kids talk about seeing a T-rex who tries to kill them. I mean, even if the carnivores are bad, they're still the most popular. But I liked the brontosaurus best, now apatosaurus? Seriously, the kids never talk about a triceratops, even. Maybe a pterodactyl once in a blue moon.

Saturday night before the puja we had choir practice like usual. Then there's a half hour break. It's traditional for me to make phone calls during this break. So I called Erik, who was home scoring, and we talked a little. I called my mom next, but she was giving the baby a bath (my parents watched my nephew for a week while the baby's parents and siblings went on a cruise), so she couldn't talk. So I read Proust and snacked on some freeze dried peaches, taken from my parents' house last visit. I was wearing a black shirt, and little white crumbs of freeze dried peaches kept settling on my chest, so I kept brushing them off. I had the book on the steering wheel. It was perfectly daylight, which is odd, because all winter pujas are in the dark. I was reading and reading, and when it finally occurred to me to look at the time, I was late. So when I went into the temple for the puja, everyone was already there in place. Luckily the choir sits in the back.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


My friend J has me reading about Existentialism. I was just going through the Wikipedia article on it, and this passage stuck out to me.

Pascal argued that without a God, life would be meaningless and miserable. People would only be able to create obstacles and overcome them in an attempt to escape boredom. These token-victories would ultimately become meaningless, since people would eventually die. This was good enough reason not to choose to become an atheist, according to Pascal.

I think a lot about how I'm a religious atheist--I completely lack faith while finding pleasure in certain aspects of my religion, like the flowers and incense and devotion to my swami. Recently I was trying to explain it to my friend G. He accused me of being "comically self-conscious in my religiosity." I argued that my religiosity is very self-conscious but that there's nothing funny about it. Being an atheist in church is lonely.

J and I have been talking about meaning, how to find it, where. That's how we got on the subject of existentialism. J is reading The Denial of Death. I've requested The Myth of Sisyphus from the library. It's interesting how one thing leads to another.

Something I find remarkable about the quote is the whole idea that someone could choose atheism. Is seems to me that being an atheist or theist is in your bones. I never experienced choosing it.

I am listening to hear where you are

Last night there was a puja for Rama. There's one meditation song, then worship is done all in a row with no songs, and then the songs are all at the end. It's work. We sang well except for one clueless moment. One of the songs (Shuddha brahma) has a super complicated roadmap. Afterwards, I got my prasad to go. I was home just after nine.

My new favorite song is "Two Headed Boy," both the original and the Mountain Goats cover. If you want to hear it, the Neutral Milk Hotel one is on my myspace right now.


Today Erik is hiking, which is odd, seeing as it's the middle of a scoring session, but I encouraged him to go. Also today is a birthday party I was invited to but am not attending because it's too far. It's the ninth birthday of my friend's daughter G. I sent her a card.

Friday, April 18, 2008

bee update

The bees left!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

oh, I remember now

Last night there was a terrible apartment complex fight. People yelled very loudly and used the f word about five times per sentence. I ran out of my usual type of ear plugs, which are bright orange. Instead I have these strange earplugs made of silicone putty. They don't go in your ear canal but rather in the slightly larger cavity before the ear canal. It's kind of hard to describe. Anyway, at first I didn't think they would work, but then I got them to work, and though I could still hear the yelling, my ear plugs dimmed down the sound enough that I could sleep. It's a good thing too, because I was exhausted. I was afraid there might be more fighting tonight, but it's after 8 now, and all's quiet.

bee memory

When Erik and I lived in Verano at UCI, one day a swarm of bees came and settled on a tree right outside our front door. It was a loquat tree. (Firefox doesn't know what a loquat is.) We were about to go on a trip. We called the complex's management and told them about the bees. This was during some fear about Africanized honeybees. Someone came with a weird bee vacuum and sucked them up.

On that porch, I used to smoke. That was back when I smoked, long time ago. Also on that porch, one time we saw a baby mouse that was alive but stayed absolutely still.

park day

Yesterday I was supposed to have lunch with my friend A and her two daughters, but lunch turned into a whole day--lunch, then a doctor's appointment in Davis, an afternoon at the park, and dinner. And after dinner. It exhausted me but was really worth it. The older girl is the apple of my eye. (During the doctor's appointment, we walked to Rite Aid and got ice cream. She got chocolate, and I got two scoops: butter pecan and pecan praline. I had never bought ice cream for a kid before, and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, we saw a dead crow.) The younger girl is adorable but taxing. There's a reason I'm never going to be a mom. I mean, there are tons of reasons I'm never going to be a mom.

A and I had good conversations, and I just like how it feels to be near her. She makes me feel supported in my selfhood.

The bees seem to have gone away. I look outside the window and for a while saw many bees flying around, but now I see none, so either they left or they're all too cold to fly now or something. I need to open the door and actually look, but I'm a little afraid.

There's something else I wanted to tell you, but I can't remember. Listening to Mountain Goats tracks, cold because the air conditioner has been on for hours now trying to freeze those bees. (At first our project was to scare then away, but then our project became to chill them.) Listening now to "Firefly" by Don Peris.


This afternoon I got home from the bookstore and saw that there are bees swarming right outside our door. They're attracted to a small space underneath the air conditioner. We tried turning on the air conditioner to scare them away, but they're not scared. I was afraid of getting stung because they didn't seem to like me coming near them to go through the door. I really wish they would go away.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I myself am hell

Erik played me this beautiful Robert Lowell poem "Skunk Hour" this morning.


I was interviewed

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

there are certain things you can't sing your way out of

I've been researching Neutral Milk Hotel by listening to all the Neutral Milk Hotel songs I can find on myspace. The title of this post is something I heard Jeff Mangum say after a song.

I made pancakes for dinner. I amended my blueberry cornmeal recipe into apricot cornmeal, and it didn't taste as apricoty as I expected or wanted. Anyway, they were really good pancakes, just not what I'd planned.

I am the angel of reality

This morning I was a mess, so Erik needed to get me out of the house. We went to my favorite park, McKinley park, and took a lap and a half around it, then walked around the duck pond for a while, dodging little instances of shit on the sidewalk. I chattered about anything that crossed my mind. We got scared of some angry geese. Then we sat on a bench and talked about writing: I write a lot of letters, and we thought maybe I should try an epistolatory novel. We talked about my habits. We talked about how to live, what to do.

Something I'm happy about is that my friend AJM is publishing that interview very soon. I will give you the link as soon as I have it.

Monday, April 14, 2008


Spaghetti squash is cool that way it spaghettifies, but it tastes really bland.

Sunday, April 13, 2008


Erik's listening to violin music and doing yoga. I'm chatting with my friend A and thinking about things.

I wrote a zine review. I ate a sandwich. Yep, it doesn't get more exciting than this.

I continue to enjoy Proust like a very delicious dessert. I want to take little bites and let them slowly dissolve in my mouth. Life is possible.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

holy Moses

Today's supposed to hit 88.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Yesterday afternoon my bookstore boss called me up and left a condescending message on my answering machine. It upset me. But maybe it's all over now and we can forget about it.

This morning I gardened with P. We were doing more pruning. Swami spoke with me twice.

The battery died again, in the truck. I don't know if the battery is bad now, or if we let it sit too long after the last time. So I don't know what to do, if we should try to get our mechanic to put a new battery in it or what. At any rate, the plan is to see if it will work this afternoon and if not, jump it, then run a couple errands and leave the engine running--I would stay in the truck while Erik went into the store. He wants matcha from the Japanese import store.

Yesterday it hit 78 here, Swami said. Meanwhile, Erik's dad says there's a snowstorm right now in Minnesota.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

anger management

It was a rough day. I've been angry. I got in the fight today with my bookstore boss. During our meeting, he was defaming a friend who was not present, and I got furious. He called her manipulative and hostile. I bit my tongue during the meeting and asked to speak with him privately afterward. I told him that I thought it was totally inappropriate to say those things about M and that I wanted him to know that I thought that. He said that that was my opinion and that he didn't care what I thought. He told me that he's known M a lot longer than I have, and that she is truly a rude, pushy, manipulative, hostile person. Even if that were true, and I know it's not, I don't think he should say it to a group of people during a meeting. Also, he didn't refer to her by name, but he did say that she had been treasurer of the society for 11 years. I wonder if everyone knew who he was talking about.

Anyway, my bookstore boss loves to talk shit about people, and I'm sure he's been talking shit about me since that little fight. Confronting someone is totally against my reputation, and I think I shocked him. But I didn't attack him personally in any way or tell him, for example, that he is cruel, and I do believe him to be cruel. I didn't insult him in any way. But he's very good at twisting words and situations to suit himself. So maybe rumor has spread--maybe he's said that I'm hostile.

Other things have been angering me too, smaller things. I don't know why, a lot started getting to me last night, and I haven't fully recovered. Erik and I took two walks today, so hopefully that will help. I have a lot I'm stressing about. Probably this fight was a bad idea. But I felt like I couldn't let him say that about M and not voice my opposition. I felt like I would have been complicit, like I had no choice but to stand up for M out of loyalty to her, though she may never know.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

you don't have to smile for me

Today I wrote a letter to my penpal S in Idaho, and I used the last two pages out of a pad of yellow, narrow-rule paper. There was a price tag on the back saying UCSB and $.85. So I had that paper for a minimum of 10 years. I was happy to throw away the stiff cardboard backing. And I wonder how much it would go for now. Maybe a buck fifty or two dollars.

when you punish a person for dreaming his dream

This morning I watched the video up on youtube for "The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton." I hate the way concert crowds whoop so much. But I was so happy to see how enthralled everyone was, and how the Mountain Goats guy John Darnielle is finding hearty success. I think he's a genius and prolific to boot.

If I had a death metal band, for sure it would be called Bloody Show.

Erik is searching for a new Vermeer painting to use as his desktop. He's started changing desktops regularly. (Mine has been the same for months--a rocky beachscape, late afternoon light, taken by Erik at Sonoma Coast state beach.)

Scrub jay outside on the railing. Birds have been posing for me, lately.

P called last night--turns out she has a doctor's appointment this morning she forgot about, so I won't be pruning with her this morning after all. Actually, pruning implies some special knowledge? This is just removing dead stuff from some beautiful bushes.

Monday, April 07, 2008

super mail day

Today was a super mail day. I got a letter, two zines, and a book from my friend M in Brooklyn. The book is Rumi: Bridge to the Soul translated by Coleman Barks. This alone would be very nice. But it's signed! I guess Barks was at the Washington DC poetry festival that M was at. So I'm imagining M waiting in a long line and saying to Barks, "Her name is Laura-Marie! She's a poet too!" because it says, "for Laura Marie with love and for her poetry, Coleman Barks" And he drew some swirls.

Besides this, I got two other letters and another zine. It's quite luxurious around here.

Gardening with P this morning was good. Instead of pulling weeds behind the Krishna pond, we were pruning bushes our front. My arms got a little scratched.

Swami paid us a visit. He told us how nice a day it is. I recently dropped all formality with Swami. When he says, "Hello, Laurie Mary," I just say hi, as opposed to, "Good morning, Swamiji," or something along those lines.

I'm going back tomorrow morning at 8. P kissed me goodbye.

I amended my broccoli soup recipe--I've been adding canned pumpkin to the individual bowlsful, and it's nice.

I so don't want to go to my mental health place today. Feeling a bit cranky. And I haven't scored even a minute yet today.

I'm so happy, though: someone--I won't say who yet--is interviewing me, and the questions are brilliant. All I want to do is work on the interview and write letters and read Proust. Life is getting in the way of art!

three plans

Today I need to garden with P for the first time in maybe half a year. I can't believe it. We plan to pull weeds behind the Krishna pond.

I also need to go to Trader Joe's for, at bare minimum, tortillas. We have lots of avocados that just got ripe, which means it's time for a guacamole festival.

I also need to go to my mental health place to pick up medication. One of my doses is changing, and we'll see what that does to me, if anything.

I started Remembrance of Things Past by Proust, the first book, which is Swann's Way. I definitely like it so far. I like the speaker, when he talks about himself. I like it less when he talks about his family. This is the favorite book of my friend G, which is why I decided to try it. There's a translation old and a translation new, and I've got the old one.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

can't decide whether I like the Brahms or the Beethoven better

Today after worship I had two strange conversations. The second was about a bad marriage, and it made me count my blessings. My friend's husband left and didn't tell her where he's going. He didn't speak to her for five days. She's thinks he's in Reno playing slot machines.

I ate a miniature banana nut muffin and a caramel. I got a hug from S. She was wearing her rainbow colored chakra hat today. She didn't have any flowers stuck in her hair.

I'm doing really well scoring North Carolina so far today. Erik's doing better too. I'm listening to Itzhak Perlman violin concertos.

I come from wealth and beauty, untouched by work or duty

Yesterday the most important thing that happened was I talked to an old friend on the phone. I spoke to him as I walked through the Vedanta garden. I told him about the new growth on the fig tree and the grapevines. I told him my religious anguish. He had a headache and lay in bed with his eyes closed.

Now I'm listening to a song I consider a masterpiece ("We Both Go Down Together" by the Decemberists) and dreading another day.

Saturday, April 05, 2008


Last night at the Samiti after-party--well, to begin with, there were only six of us there, which is a remarkably small group. So during the party time where we're eating food and talking, the group was small enough that it was just one shared conversation. They got on the topic of an intergenerational home where Samiti members could live. This used to be a Samiti objective, but it was taken off the list. Some people want it back on the list.

The whole idea of this has to do with where old folks will live. We think it's sad that the seniors who need to go into a home can't be with other devotees. So for a long time there has been this idea of starting an intergenerational home so the young people can take care of the old people. Of course, I'm the only young person! So this is a weird idea. I can't really put my life on hold to care for seniors. And that's how it would feel, for me. I don't know how to take care of the elderly. If there were a whole bunch of young people, I might be interested in joining in. But I don't have what it takes to be in charge of seniors' care.

Really, rather than an intergenerational home, we should be thinking of just a special old folks' home, with a housekeeper and a nurse. And someone brought this up. I was considered. "Laura-Marie is married. What if her husband doesn't want to be around a bunch of irritable old women?"

I needed to go--it was getting late, for me. I need to stick to a strict sleep schedule for my health. So I was trying to get out the door, but they wanted me to speak on the subject at hand. "She never says anything," someone commented about me. P pretended she was going to lock me in if I didn't give a speech. I was trying to hug her goodbye so I could go. We stood there with our arms around eachother rubbing eachother's backs while other Samiti members tried to get me to talk. "I have no comment at this time," I said. "I pass," I said. Finally I hugged P a real good hug and got my shoes on and left.

The after party food was all sweets. I ate two servings of rasmalai and two cookies. And a little piece of banana bread. I'm surprised I could sleep. And we did have some problems sleeping in the night.

I'm doing okay so far scoring North Carolina.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

free documentaries

I want to remember to come back to look at this website when I have the chance.


For the Widows in Paradise

I love this video of Sufjan Stevens singing "For the Widows in Paradise." His banjo playing is beautiful, and Erik says the lighting looks like there's going to be a tornado.

good, good. good

Yesterday I made some banana bread that turned out extra delicious--thanks to Mom for the overripe bananas.

The zine against the flood is brilliant and includes a high praise review of functionally ill #3.

Been eating lots of egg salad sandwiches lately: quite tasty.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

new project

Today I didn't set foot outside until evening, when we went for a walk. I worked four hours, which is a lot for me, and qualified on my first try. Erik qualified too. So we can sleep tonight.

I got a zine in the mail in a beautiful grocery bag envelope. Damn, grocery bag paper is so underrated. Anyway, the zine is called against the flood, and it was made by my new friend Dumpster Mouse. I think it's a mental health zine. I think I'll read it right now.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

married forever

Today we were accosted by Mormons while nearing the end of our walk at the park. There were two, and they were wearing their dress up clothes, near the duck pond. We saw them talking to other park-goers and thought we would escape. But the talkative of the two struck up a conversation with Erik, and I have never come across a more aggressive one. "Are you married?" he asked.

"Yes," Erik answered.

"One of the teachings is that you can be married forever. Wouldn't you like that?"


"You don't sound so sure about that!"

Erik kept repeating that we were familiar with LDS and weren't interested, and the guy wouldn't give up. Erik said goodbye, but the guy kept following us and kept talking. It was really unpleasant.

I remember when we lived in Bishop, there was a pair of Mormons who visited me sometimes, and they were really nice. Eventually I explained very clearly how I wasn't interested in converting. They were great about it.

So anyway, I was surprised at the behavior of the one at the park today.

This morning I had a p-doc appointment. It went well. One of my doses was upped. I also saw my caseworker to do a form for a fee waiver for that huge bill I got last week.

Today we went for water, to the bank for quarters, and to the library for some requested materials: getting ready for the long project that starts tomorrow. We're nervous about qualifying.