dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Saturday, October 31, 2015

pumpkin patch

This morning we went to Gilcrease Farm to see what was in season.  We went with some of our main friends.  They bought two pumpkins and some fresh peanut butter.

Then we walked to a different area and got fresh donuts and kettlecorn.  We sat talking for a while. We made a plan to go to a hot springs together.  It was a nice morning.

The orange of the warty pumpkin.  A smile here and there.  A baby with weird hair.  Good feelings.

nutritional yeast noodles

Today we bought nutritional yeast.  We had to go all around the garden.  WinCo stopped carrying it.  We were dumbstruck.  So we looped around to Whole Foods where we paid almost $9 for a small bag of it.

I had a nutritional yeast craving, so I made noodles with nutritional yeast, a decadent dish.  You leave some of the boiling water in to make a sauce.

The weakness in my right hand is ridiculous.  I can barely handwrite, which knocks me on my ass because I used to do that a lot, writing letters.  Luckily I can type.  I also have a hard time buttoning my pants and picking up small things from a table.  Brushing my teeth.  Opening a bottle.

I have an appointment for Wednesday but I don't know if my poverty insurance will cover an MRI.  I don't know why they need to pinpoint where the entrapment is.  I don't want surgery.  I want physical therapy, maybe.

My desk got messy with too much piled around and too many pens out.  But all the things seem important to have out.  We get tons of Catholic Worker newsletters in the mail, and I feel guilty if I don't read them all.  But seriously, there are a lot.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Laura-Marie in a Dress

I'm going to make vegan pesto.  I need nutritional yeast.  I have all the other things.

The sun's about to come up.  My right hand is so weak.

I checked some books out from the library about saving money.

I'm remembering toward the end of the ER ordeal we were in an exam room with fabric curtains for walls and could hear the conversations of people in the other rooms.  I remember the things they said.  The guy with failing kidneys and a failing heart.  The woman here on vacation with the really bad headache.  Her husband's radio voice.  So much sadness.

Tomorrow I think I'll go as Laura-Marie in a Dress, for Halloween.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

new day

I survived the perils of western medicine.  I lived to tell the tale.  Now I need lots of comfort and to put the day behind me.  They want to do an MRI on my shoulder.

I crave fruit salad.  I require kiwi fruits.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


I'm in the ER waiting a lot. I had a CAT scan. I don't even know what I'm waiting for now. Maybe for a doctor. I had not been in an ER for 16 years. I'm hungry and they keep it cold in here. Ming has been falling asleep for hours. Hospital day. 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Time to turn off the fan.
Time to drain the swamp coolers
and snug them into their covers.
Time to close all the windows.
Desert summer has ended--
I survived it.
Time to burn blue candles.
Time to walk any hour of day.
Time to sit in the courtyard.
Desert summer has ended--
glory be to fall.
Grackles and mocking birds visit.
The streets flood with rainwater.
We can go to the mountains
before snows close the roads.
Desert summer has ended.

shut down Creech

Monday, October 26, 2015


We protesters were parked across the street from the air force base.   A cop went over to our cars and was photographing our license plates.  It felt like fascism.  I was uncomfortable.

too busy

I am on my last nerve.  So I'm not going to the pre-trial rally today.  Ming and JR went without me.

I ended up making rice, curry, and salad last night for the gathering here that was kind of supposed to be a potluck.  I volunteered to do the salad, was asked to do the rice, and started the curry on my own initiative when time was ticking down and the person who was supposed to do the curry still wasn't here.

It was pretty good.  The lemon juice helped.  It was a vegan meal.  We saw a lot of people and it was overwhelming.

Then we had to pick someone up at the airport at 10:15 pm.  So we went to bed at 7 and got up a 9.  We had trouble finding her at terminal 1.  We went around three times.

Then this morning we got up at 4:45 am.  We had to leave here at 5:15 to get to Creech Air Force Base to vigil at 6.  It was dark when we arrived.  We saw our friends in the darkness with their banners and signs.

We vigiled for two hours.  I held my own "no torture no drones" and then "Muslim lives matter" on a piece of cardboard in the shape of a heart.

Then we had a group photo.  Then we had a closing circle.  I was annoyed because I needed to go.

Then we went to the goddess temple and Ming and I sang though I was feeling worn down.  Singing was good for me.

Then we ate toast in the guest house.  I had jam on mine.  And a nice lady gave me some apple slices.

I am stressed out and need some alone time.  I ate leftover rice and some peanutbutter candy.  My entrapped ulnar nerve hurts me sometimes, but I was able to sleep okay.

Sunday, October 25, 2015


I was reading a permaculture magazine.  I picked it up for free last night at Rainbow's End.  This article was bothering me, talking about revolution, conflating breaking the law with violence.  You can be non-violent and break the law.  Lots of people have done that.

Anyway, I was reading along, feeling annoyed, when I got to something like, "which you can read about in my new book such-and-such," which annoyed me even more because I realized the whole article I'd been reading was a commercial for his book!

But in the bio I learned that he lived without money for three years, which I find pretty amazing.  I want to see if our library has the book he wrote about that.

People are arriving for their trials.  People who got arrested at Creech in the spring.  Four to six people will be staying in Freedom House.  We'll pick one of them up at the airport tonight at 10.

People liked the spaghetti squash.  Only a little bit was left over, which Ming composted.

"You have a cauldron," our friend R said when he came into our house to talk to us.  It's the big tamale steaming pot my mom gave us.  It's not a cauldron, but it is black.

spaghetti squash, great northern beans, rice

Yesterday we cooked up about 15 spaghetti squash.  Do you know how much that is?  A lot.  I baked them and we forked them.  Our friend King R was over again and helped.  We put all the forked squash into plastic pretend tupperware things like small shoeboxes.  It filled three pretty packed.

Then this morning Ming got up early to start the beans.  I slept in until 5:30.  Today they are great northern beans.  At this point they taste really really good with carrots, onions, garlic, canned tomatoes, salt, and pepper in them.  I'm wondering it I should put more spices in or leave them be.  Looked at some recipes online and thought about thyme.  Sniffed the thyme and it didn't smell like it belonged.

Making rice too, and the spaghetti squash shreds are in the oven in a large rectangular pan covered in foil so that they can heat up.  I'll cook the sauce in a wok.  Put oregano in it.

Tonight we're picking someone up at the airport.  Her flight arrives at 10:07, past my bedtime.  But I gotta go.

Saturday, October 24, 2015


This morning I didn't serve the hungry but Ming picked me up for the weekly community meeting, and we got there in time for me to rinse dishes, which was fun.  "Do you have anything you need to confess to me today?  Anything you're not telling me?" the dishwasher asked.  I was laughing because it is like that.

Then we had our meeting.  During check in, our friend G was talking about how at the bookfest he had a booth and showed lots of people his old printing press and some type and some printed ephemera.  "It was good to show everyone my junk," he said, and all of us started cracking up.  "Usually my junk just sits there in a corner with nobody looking at it," he said.  "And I made some contacts."  By that time I was laughing so hard I cried.  Then he told our friend R that he hadn't come to the bookfest, so he didn't get to see G's junk.

Otherwise the meeting was good though we were missing a couple people.  JR is sick with a cold.  And JZ was slow getting to the meeting.  "It's like herding turtles," G said.  JZ walks with a walker.

We went to WinCo, the grocery store that's a worker's co-op.  I wanted fresh basil so I can try making that avocado pasta sauce again.  I wanted walnuts.  I looked at lots of candy.  I should have got some raw cashews for making vegan creamy sauces.  We are learning about that store, with the amazing bulk bins.

Home again, we napped.  Our propertymate H rang the doorbell.  It works.  It plays a jazzy saxophone tune.

We need to roast about 12 spaghetti squash for tomorrow's Food Not Bombs serving.  I will use the oven oven though it smells.

Friday, October 23, 2015

tempeh problems, the neighbor's sudden disappearance, the nature of California

I had tempeh problems.  I was sauteing it in olive oil, and then it would start smoking.  I had cut it into cubes.  But little particles fell off the cubes.  So the particles were cooking in the oil but the cubes were not.  It was frustrating.  Then cubes browned a little bit.  I gave up.

I made some pumpkin peanut sauce to go on the soba noodles and tempeh.  It was cold.  The noodles were cold because I rinsed them.  I was unprepared for a cold meal.

But the flavors were good.  Our friend King R came over to chop veggies today.  He did onions and carrots.  It took a long time.  We still need to do garlic.  And cook all the spaghetti squash.

"Hunger is the best spice," King R said.  I had heard it, "Hunger is the best relish," but I get the idea.  So he thinks the spaghetti squash with sauce will be good.  I'm trying to trust him.

Meanwhile, someone moved out of Freedom House today.  I wish I had been nicer.  I gave him the cold shoulder, I guess, because of how he talked on speakerphone in the courtyard early in the mornings.  And I didn't like him walking around shirtless either.

He's gone to California.  That's a big state, and it weirds me out when people refer to it that way.  California is so big that you have to go to a specific part of it, not it as a whole.  At least that's what I think.

spaghetti squash revisited

I microwaved another spaghetti squash.  Our oven oven really needs to be cleaned.  I roasted some potatoes and delicata squash the other day, and the oven smoked for five minutes.  Wtf.

So anyway, I put some salt, garlic powder, and earth balance on the spaghetti squash this time--the magic three.  Still not good.  I've concluded that I don't like spaghetti squash.  I don't know how I can feel good about serving it to the hungry on Sunday.

Also it's a lot of work.  Also I feel like I'm complaining a lot.

This morning we served the hungry.  It was fun--I did bread.  We ran out of bread, though.  The main dish was pasta with tomato sauce and veggies and meat.

Then we walked around a large block.  I don't like going to the track weekday mornings now that school is in again.  There's a school across the street from the track park.  And it's swarming with kids.

My friend G forgot I was interviewing him this morning at 9.  So I called and he and J were at a garage sale.  Or on their way home.  So he'll be here soon.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

spaghetti squash

I made spaghetti squash with vegan creamy avocado sauce.  But my basil had turned, so I had to leave out the basil, so maybe that's why it wasn't that good.  Or maybe spaghetti squash is just nasty.  Now I want real spaghetti.

We got a donation of about 25 spaghetti squashes of various sizes.  They're out on the picnic table.

We were at the Mexican grocery store and they had a big bag of dried hibiscus flowers for $4.19 so I bought it and made some jamaica.  I used agave nectar to sweeten it, and I'd rather have used sugar.  Next time.  It's chilling in the fridge now.

The health insurance rep was here for more than an hour.  Ming did decide to switch.

I'd rather be singing

This morning Ming made me breakfast while I was in the shower.  He's so nice.  I'm still eating the grapes.

Last night we went to the university for a talk on video games.  It was fun though gave me a zombie nightmare.  She showed clips from games.

Today we meet with someone at PLAN.  Ming meets with an insurance company rep.

Yesterday the goddess temple was beautiful.  We sang twenty verses of Ya Devi.

One time I asked Swami if it's okay to sing instead of meditate, and he said no.  We have to do both.  I was like, shoot.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


peace pole

temple this morning


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Citizens of the World

After lots of hard work and two postal rejections, we finally got the bulletin mailed.  Yay!  Ming did so much and there was a lot of frustration with forms and tape--red tape and regular tape.  We had to retape all 1293 bulletins.

But we learned a lot.  And I got vegan rice nog at Whole Foods.

Meanwhile, my friend V sent me two songs she wrote--I can memorize them to sing with her at Creech next week.  They are "Citizens of the World" and "For Peace's Sake."

I had coffee this morning and the wired feeling is still with me.  I had been down, but I feel better today.  I told a friend in a letter that caffeine makes me feel weird, but maybe weird is better than depressed.

Some Catholic ladies are crocheting plastic mats out of plarn for homeless people to sleep on.  So J and I went this morning as representatives from the Catholic Worker and learned how to make the balls of plarn.  There are 72 strips to a ball.  We will make the balls and other people will do the crocheting.  The mats are huge, six feet long.

Then J and I went to Roberto's for lunch.  It was fun to talk.  I told her how I feel like I can be myself around her and she's not going to judge me harshly.  And how it feels right when I'm with her and I feel happy around her.  She said she feels happy around me too.  It was a lovey dovey moment but real.  I am so glad to be in community with her.

Monday, October 19, 2015

Korean yoga, moldy candy, fall

Now I'm at the library with the big gallery while Ming does Korean yoga.  I'm in the mega-lobby with a bunch of other people--their voices, the sound of their footsteps.  It's echo-y.  An old man math tutors a little girl.

I was eating some sesame candy this afternoon and looked down at my hand and saw the candy was molding.  I dropped it and it broke on the floor.  "Is eating moldy candy going to make me sick?" I asked Ming.  "What is mold?" I asked.  "Is it a fungus?"

Today's high is 73.  I'm stoked on fall.

Sunday, October 18, 2015


They're not cranberry beans.  They're heirloom and from the Whole Foods bulk bins--this I know.

It's Sunday, so my gmail shows me a picture of the sun.  But sometimes it gets stuck.  It was stuck on yesterday's--Saturn for Saturday?  So I refreshed.

wanting to be helpful in this life

1.  wrote a letter
2.  soaked some beans--I think they're cranberry beans
3.  wrote so many emails
4.  threw some stuff away
5.  listened to music

One of my favorite bands Innocence Mission put out a new album.  Here's a song from it.

Saturday, October 17, 2015


This morning just after 7 our houseguest hugged us goodbye and drove away.  She of the nice skirts and distinctive handwriting.

Then we went to the Worker where I saw my friend JZ who is one of my favorite people on this earth.  He is a gentle and kind person and old now.  He has a walker and seems fragile.  I know he remembered me, but I don't know if he remembered my name.  We shared a good hug.

Then we had a meeting.  It was funny and okay.  G referred to our house as Ming's house, and I made a gesture like my feelings were hurt.  Everybody laughed.

After the folding party last night we had vegan ice cream--our payment was in vegan ice cream.  I found the vegan gluten-free cookie dough intriguing.  It was pretty delicious too.

Now Ming is out at the tomato test garden helping with a root cellar.  Later we'll go to this book fest.  G is tabling with his printing equipment.  I need to transcribe the interview I did with him.

And that's my life as of 8:49 am.

Friday, October 16, 2015

roof this morning

secret messages, goddess temple rain, book complaints, good luck

We went to Omelet House with our houseguest.  There was a little curio cabinet on the wall by our table--it had a drawer with nothing in it.  So we wrote messages on small pieces of paper and put them in the drawer.  It was a bloggable moment.

Before that we were at the goddess temple.  We were there a good 40 minutes before it started to rain.  The temple is open air, so we got wet.  It was fun.

Then we went to the desert wildlife refuge, got postcards, and took a walk.  It wasn't raining there.  We didn't see any roadrunners.  Ming complained about the misprint in the book he bought last time which ruined some of the games in the book.  The volunteer didn't have much to say about that.  Ming thinks he should write to the company.

After the Omelet House we went to the library where a guy asked me for a dollar for the bus.  Then a library worker came up to us and was telling the guy to leave.  I was stuck in the middle.  Then our houseguest gave the guy a dollar and wished him good luck.

Thursday, October 15, 2015

sleep posting

I folded Desert Voices newsletters for two hours. Ming and our houseguest went to the pawn shop Gold and Silver where Pawnstars is filmed. They liked it. I wrote postcards at the Beat. It rained a tiny bit in the morning. That's all I got. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015


The grackles are vocalizing again.  Seems they quieted up for the summer and are loud again.  There are mockingbirds around too.  I like them.

This morning we toured Catholic Charities.  A lot of people get Catholic Worker mixed up with Catholic Charities.  They are huge and industrial.  We are small and anarchist.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015


One houseguest left--Ming drove him to the airport.  Then another houseguest arrived.  She said "afternoon" and arrived at the very beginning of the afternoon, noon.  I heard something and opened the front door, and there she was, in all her radiance.

So we ate sandwiches and fruit.  We talked for a long time.  I like friendship.

And I love Ming, who makes everything possible.

Monday, October 12, 2015

famous Ming

There's a cute picture of Ming with this article on Food Not Bombs.


Sunday, October 11, 2015


Some neighbors have a scooter outside going back and forth in front of our house, over and over again.  I think it might have a lawn mower engine to make it go.  The noise is driving me crazy, of course.

Ming and our houseguest have gone to the park for Food Not Bombs.  I have some time alone.

The big cook went well.  It seemed almost too easy.  Every time it gets easier.  Like did we forget something?  Hope not.  I don't like chopping potatoes, and our houseguest does, so that was nice, him chopping potatoes.

We're going to go to the farmers market a little later, then pick olives, if we have time, then a Catholic Worker visioning meeting.  That meeting should last three hours.

This morning I sang a little.  It felt good to make the vibrations.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

for peace's sake

Today I survived an eight-hour board meeting.  What's my reward for that?  I got to sit outside for a while, which I liked.  I got to interact with the courtyard cats.  I made the pesto pasta salad I like to make.  It got all eaten up.  R fed some of it to Tiger.

Friday, October 09, 2015

white rabbits

I guess White Rabbit candies aren't vegetarian.  Wikipedia says they have gelatin in them.  We used to eat them at work, at the grading factory.  

We looked for White Rabbits yesterday at a pan-Asian supermarket.  We couldn't find any.  But I got some vegan sesame candy.

Today I interview a friend, the husband of the other friend I was interviewing.  Then King R is coming over to chop veggies, which he does every other week now.  I need to make him some coffee.  

Tonight's political prisoner letter writing night.  There was no birthday poster for October 2015, so Ming printed off last year's and corrected it.  One of the prisoners was released (Eric McDavid), and another two were moved.  

Thursday, October 08, 2015

boba and lunch

Today we got boba and lunch in Chinatown.  We went to Kung Fu Tea then Veggie House.  It's good to support a vegan place.  I had the spicy crispy eggplant.  Ming had the Buddha's delight.

"What's in it?" I asked Ming after he ordered.

"I don't know," he said.

"If it's good enough for the Buddha, it's good enough for you?" I asked.  He said yes.

Our friend was on The Price Is Right.  He didn't get chosen to play and said it was a cheap vacation.  I learned all of this on facebook.  Facebook gets me down, but this particular post was somewhat uplifting.

Tonight's a board meeting for a board we're not on, the Las Vegas Catholic Worker.  We plan to attend, bringing juice.  Ming's chilling it.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

reportback on community dinner

Dinner last night earned high praise.  Everything came together.  I would have preferred more texture to the rice.  The rice was kind of mush.  And I made too much of everything.  There were only eight of us.  And people didn't eat many strawberries.  But otherwise, perfect vegan meal for community dinner.

This morning we went out to the goddess temple.  We sang all 20 verses of Ya Devi.  We enjoyed the temple and kissed.  Then we had tea with our priestess friend C.  Oh, and we went for a walk and found an orange bucket.  It was a perfectly fine bucket.  Ming picked up trash and put it in the bucket.

Youtube plays me the stupidest ads that have nothing to do with my interests.  But what of my interests can be marketed to?  I don't see very many zine commercials.

There was a storm and a cool reprieve.  Now tomorrow it's back up to the 90s.  I gave leftover strawberries to a friend who didn't make it to dinner last night.  I put them in a pretty blue plastic bowl.

Tuesday, October 06, 2015


I'm cooking tonight for about nine people?  Eleven people?  I'm making soyrizo rice, roasted delicata squash, garlic greens, and carrot sticks.  Should I heat up some refried beans too?  I can't decide whether that would be overkill.  Oh, and strawberries.  The strawberries at Costco looked unusually fresh and delicious.

I'm so happy my friend is coming to visit on the 15th.  She's staying three nights.  We will go to the goddess temple, the magical bookstore, and this book fest that has zines too.  Maybe some other places too.

This morning I went to the doctor.  It was horrible--I was shaky.  But I survived it.  Then we got vegan donuts at Ronald's.  My blood pressure is fine.

Monday, October 05, 2015

good stormy day

This morning I have been awake since 3.  I had a bad dream and needed a break from the ordeal of sleep.  So I got up.

Since then I've gotten a lot done.  I laid out hat genius 9.  We made copies.  Ming punched holes and I bound some of them.  I roasted potatoes and burned two of my fingers on a cast iron pan.  The potatoes are very good.

The rain excites me.  It was fun to be out in it.  We took a walk during a rainless few moments.

Yesterday I baked apple crisp.  It was delicious and sweet.

Now I'm addressing envelopes, and I have a book club meeting at 11:30 over skype.

Sunday, October 04, 2015


I thought I loved this computer for being an Acer and a Chromebook.  Then I bought an Acer that ran Windows 8 and realized it wasn't the Acer-ness that I liked, just the Chromebook-ness.  Windows hurts me.

Is it too early in the morning for Bjork?

This morning I woke up from a dream I had starred in a movie.  It involved coughing up rabbits.  A journalist interviewed me and I did a terrible job.  I was worried the movie was going to be a flop.

Then there was a part where a big wave caught me, and I was being sucked out to sea by a rip tide created by a storm.  But I swam hard diagonally and escaped the rip tide.  But my phone had been in my pocket, and it was ruined.

Saturday, October 03, 2015

book review


I reviewed a book that my bestie published.

two poems

Last night we went to an event to support our friends who were the stars of the event.  It was a practice for something that will be presented in two weeks at the Parliament of World Religions.

It was at a venue I didn't like.  Someone hugged me without my permission and it felt creepy.  There was wine, and a drunk person bothered me from a distance.  The entrance fee was supposed to be a donation and a "love offering" but was required, which pissed me off.

It was fun to see our friends, but the introduction by the person who runs the place creeped me out too.  I don't like the way love = money to them.  And I don't like the way everyone seemed rich but us.

Overall it was too many people and too much.  There was a ton of food I didn't want to eat, we don't drink, and I got the feeling that the "love offering" was mostly to cover the food and wine, which was stupid.

I'm trying to think of something good to tell you in an attempt to counterbalance all my complaining.  Yesterday the interview with my friend J went well.  I will start transcribing it today.

Yesterday I worked on a new poetry zine.  I finished a draft, but there's always the need for a cover.

Oh, and I wrote two poems yesterday.  I sent them to my bestie, who liked both.

Friday, October 02, 2015


I have a friend who shows his love by giving me things: a magazine, a newspaper clipping, something he printed off the internet.  It's so sweet.  Maybe I should think of something to give him, if that's his love language. 

Today I interviewed a friend.  The wife of the friend who gives me things.  She is our community's matriarch, and I love her.  It was our third and final interview. 

My love language is words.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

intense situations

Tonight I attempted to make some boxed vegan mac and cheese but it was gluten free too.  It was a fail.  It was slimy and tasted like barf.  Holy crap, I don't know how anyone could like it.

I made a nice lunch though: brown rice, roasted delicata squash, sauteed purple potatoes, carrot sticks, and cucumber circles.  Our friend King R was here helping Ming with some NDE stuff.  I would have liked a plump vegan sausage in the middle of the plate, but we don't have any.

This morning we peace vigiled.  Some intense situations are happening around us.  So far we are safe from the worst of it, and I hope our luck holds up.

"It's like making a zine," I told Ming.  "You do your best and work really hard, but then you let it go, and it has a life of its own."  I told him how it's good for me to worry up to a point, but after that it's fruitless and I'm just making myself sick.