dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Tuesday, September 30, 2008


Today I wrote a letter to my new penpal in New Zealand. We took the car in to the mechanic, and he did something to tune it up--there was a problem with the spark plugs. So now the light isn't on. There was a light that came on on the dash, but now it's off. What else did I accomplish today? I finished reading two vegan books. It's nice I can return them to the library. We have way too much out from the library. I am very sleepy and will go to bed now.

Monday, September 29, 2008


I was laying out functionally ill #4 and at some point realized that a 30 page zine is impossible. Oops. I need two more pages (or two less pages).

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I'd dance if I had something to say

This morning I went to the park. A fly was biting me, so I stayed in the car and wrote a letter to my friend J in Chicago and talked on the phone with my best friend E. It was a different kind of morning. I watched a guy throw a ball and his dog run after it. The guy had a device for picking up the ball and throwing it. I don't know the name of this device.

Then in the afternoon I watched part three of a Lord Peter Wimsey show with Erik Murder Must Advertise. It's spooky and first rate. I read a letter sent to me by my new New Zealander penpal.

Erik finally read functionally ill #4. He read it out loud to me and found a bunch of typos. He likes it. We talked about it for a long time. He reassured me about a few questions I had.

In the evening we went on an outing. We went to the bank to deposit three checks. Then we went to the co-op, and to the rental office to pay the rent. It's downtown.

At the co-op I wanted ground coriander and tarragon. I also wanted chili powder, but theirs didn't seem right--it had allspice and nutmeg in it. We ended up getting some vegan cookies--Erik got chocolate chocolate chip, and I got peanutbutter. And I got some different flavors of soy yogurt. (Trader Joe's has only three flavors, and they get old.) What else? Erik bought himself some sage and juniper soap. I got some Italian dressing to marinade some tofu in.

And that's my day! I experienced some restlessness and ennui. I give it a solid B.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

weird chili

Today I wanted to make chili, so I did. But I forgot the tomatoes. Chili without tomatoes just doesn't work for me. The other thing that made it weird was the mushrooms. I wanted fake meat in it, and I decided that mushrooms can be kind of like fake meat. But the mushrooms combined with the lack of tomatoes just made it really weird. I added a can of tomatoes after dinner, so it will be better subsequent meals. Is it okay to use "subsequent" in this way? Maybe I just mean "future."

Friday, September 26, 2008

birthday picture

In this picture, you can see the bag-bag.

my presents

My parents gave me many presents. My mom made me a beautiful brown shawl and matching hat. My mom also crocheted for me a bag made out of bags. This is the second one she's made for me, and I love them. My parents also gave me a bunch of postcards and some stamps. And they gave me some delicious caramels from Colorado. I forgot them (they're in my parents' freezer). And they gave me seven pounds of apples (five pounds of Mutsu, two pounds of Johnadel--the Johnadels were actually for Erik). And my mom bought me a pair of tennies when we were at a store (TJ Max?) looking for barrettes. All of this is in addition to my usual gift of Costco food. Wow, my parents really spoil me.

My best friend E gave me Vocabula Bound and a book of poems called I Meant To Say by my friend Amanda Laughtland. She also gave me a beautiful homemade card, some aloe vera incense from India, a packet of bath salts, and some stamps. She spoiled me too--she tends to.

My favorite Finn sent me a wonderful package in the mail, and it included a Moomin mousepad, a Moomin book, a strawberry cake card, and birthday balloons that say "Laura" on them.

I got two books in the mail from my friend M in Brooklyn: Witches, Midwives, and Nurses by Ehrenreich and English, and Word edited by Jocelyn Burrell.

My grandma sent me a check, and I still need to decide what to spend it on. I got cards from my cousin who's in prison, my penpal C in Guatemala, my penpal S in Idaho, and my friend H in Sacramento. Can you believe all this love? And I'm 32 now.


Today we scored CSET. I had a read-behind that wasn't good. It was embarrassing, and I almost cried. Then I almost cried some more. By afternoon I felt mostly better but still on red alert in case of further reprimand, so my stress level was higher than usual. I decided I'm never going back. Now I'm not so sure. Home again, there was mail from them inviting me to three scoring opportunities in November. They all conflict with SAT scoring, so maybe I'll say no to all--I haven't talked about it with Erik yet. Erik is such a wizard that he can do both. (He was invited to all three also.)

For dinner I had a delicious vegan cookie, a coconut macaroon. It's made by Alternative Baking Company, and I got it at Whole Foods. I bought an assortment, last Whole Foods visit. The cookies are large.

Erik watched the debate. I made him rice with mushrooms for dinner. I read a zine and read a book called Vocabula Bound that my best friend E gave me for my birthday. I'm finding it more whiny than I thought it would be, and more conservative, but still engaging. Just a page or two ago it was dissing Derrida.

Erik's telling me that the independents thought Obama won.

Here is a fun game that involves sorting colors. I got a 16, and Erik got a 86.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

bad vegan

I feel better now and almost went to work at the bookstore. Erik and I are scoring CSET tomorrow, and I hope to be entirely well then. Today I've had a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction. But I wrote a letter to my new zine friend C--she writes poetry zines. She wrote me a long letter the other day. So I replied in turn, and I guess we're friends. She told me how at work there was a tornado warning and she had to go into the basement of the library. Luckily, it didn't last long. She lives in Kansas.

Today I was reading The Vegan Sourcebook and got to the chapter about how...actually, I don't remember the unifying concept of the chapter, but I got to the page that said how vegans don't kill any bugs and felt incredulous. What if you have lice, for example--you're just supposed to let the lice live on you? No way! Not that I intend to get lice, but it can happen to anyone. And if Kitty got fleas again, I would kill them.

So I guess I'm not going to be a very good vegan, which I already knew because I'm not vegan at the homes of others or at restaurants.

Erik got a Sacramento News & Review telling the "best of"s and he saw that the number one voted Indian place we've never been to. It's called Gaylord's, and it's a chain. So we'll have to go there. I thought we knew about all the Indian food places in town.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Erik is working the second day of a two-day job scoring in person, a test called West-B for the state of Washington that he had never scored before, and I've never scored it before. I guess they just changed the criteria for deciding who can score it.

I'm sick--I have a cold. I woke up sick in the middle of the night and thankfully was able to go back to sleep. I called just a minute ago to cancel my therapy appointment. After Erik left for work I went back to bed. I feel too dumb to read. I don't know what to do with myself and wish I had something to watch instead.

Monday, September 22, 2008

home safe

I had a fabulous birthday weekend with my parents. I also got to see my best friend E--we went to the park.

Some highlights were enchiladas, cheesecake, apples, and beautiful crocheted warmnesses. The lowlight was slight car trouble: a malfunction light came on this morning, and I think we need to take our car to the mechanic. (I was super worried the whole drive home that the engine would stop.) But Erik's working Tuesday and Wednesday, and we're both working Friday, so I need to call the mechanic and see if Thursday is okay.

So, Washington Mutual is in trouble? Too bad that's our bank.

I got my first random order for functionally ill #3 today. It's as a result of the review published in the new Zine World, which I haven't seen yet. The order is rude. It begins "DEAR SIRS." Zine World should publish something about basic zine etiquette.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

good mail day

I received Asylum Letters #0 and Calendar Girl #5.

Today we worked an in-person job. My mind is still overwhelmed with too much social contact.

Tomorrow after work we go on a journey. We plan to leave straight from work, so there are preparations to make this evening.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


Yesterday I got in the mail two zines, Dreams of Donuts #1, and #2, from the other known Sacramento zinester H. She was supposed to give them to me when we met last week, but she forgot hers, so she sent them in the mail. I've read the first one and like it a lot, especially the part about building a gazebo in the backyard out of bamboo. I need to read it again. They're comix zines.

This morning we went to Vedanta so I could work in the library for an hour doing data entry from the card catalog into the computer. I ran into P, and she hugged me. I also saw Swami and R. I think I'm pretty fast, but it hurts my back.

Erik and I work an in-person job tomorrow and Friday. I am so not looking forward to being around people for eight and a half hours straight.

Today we got an email from the company we score SAT for warning us about the 25 hour minimum for each session. I guess they're going to start firing people for not making the minimum. That puts a lot of pressure on me.

Today is cool, and the wind is making wind sounds. Definitely fall.

Monday, September 15, 2008


Tonight I went to dinner with my friend H. We went to an Indian place in West Sac called Pooja. The food was very good and very heavy. The service was poor. We talked more about her new boyfriend. I'll see her again Wednesday night at a writer's group meeting.

I just went to Miranda July's myspace page and listened to some...what would you call them...poems? You can hear for yourself, if you like. http://www.myspace.com/mirandajuly

This morning we went to McKinley park. I wrote a long letter to my friend H. (A different H. I know a lot of H's.) I want to say something that will encapsulate just how it felt to be at the park, but I'm coming up empty. There was a bird that approached us, mistakenly thinking we were giving out food. It had a neon yellow band on one of its legs. "Look--it's tagged," I told Erik. It was cool out, and I kept getting distracted from my letter by moms and kids who were talking by, which was fine.

Then we went to the co-op for some supplements. We hear it's important for vegans to take B-12 supplements because B-12 is missing from the vegan diet. We're not real vegans, which is clear from my dinner. But we go to restaurants rarely, so we'll be vegans most of the time. I got some calcium pills too. I guess vegans eat less calcium.

I saw my friend P this afternoon--I helped her in the library making those three new choir binders. She wasn't in the best mood, and neither was I, but we got along well anyway. She said I'm a jewel but I would never believe it. I don't know if I'd ever been called a jewel before. I think I'm a ruby.

Fantastic mail day. I got a zine from England and a zine from Canada, a cat notecard with stamps in trade for a zine from someone in Brooklyn, and a package from my favorite Finlander. I'm thinking the package is for my birthday, so I'll save it until then.

I told P how I'll be away next weekend for my birthday. "How old are you?" she asked.

"I'll be 32," I said.

"That's a good age," she said. I think that's the same thing she said last year and the year before. (Maybe it's a good decade.)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

fi #4

The big news of the day is that I'm done writing functionally ill #4. I thought I was almost finished a couple weeks ago, but now I'm really done. I'll let it sit for a few days and then have Erik proofread it.

I made the Southwestern Corn Pudding finally and didn't like it very much. It definitely had a complex flavor. I said it tasted like something you'd get at a restaurant. But it just wasn't my thing. I don't think the coconut milk really belonged. Also, it wasn't hot at all. Those two jalapenos did nothing. Maybe I should have left the seeds in. I wasn't sure about whether or not it's standard to take out the seeds. Anyway, Erik liked it.

we are vain and we are blind

Yesterday after choir practice I was talking to my friend P. She's not doing so well. So I offered to help her with this project she's got going making three new choir binders. It's a lot of work. But P and I work together like...like synchronized swimmers who didn't have to practice at all. I started working without being told what to do, and we continued that way, making a kind of rhythm: she would bring me three sets of music, and I would put it into plastic sleeves, then put each song in its place in the binders. By the time I was done, she would have another song ready for me. We worked this way for a couple hours. Then we ran out of plastic sleeves and had to go to the office supply store for more. I'm going to help her again tomorrow afternoon. I look forward to spending the afternoon with her.

This morning I went to worship. I didn't really want to go, but I skipped last week, and next week we'll be out of town for my birthday. So I went, and I got overcome with anxiety about halfway through about something having to do with tapes. I realized I hadn't gotten any tapes ready for recording lectures, and that last week's lecture must have gone untaped. I felt horrible that I had let this responsibility slip away from me. (Getting a tape ready means checking the schedule to see what the lecture's title will be then typing up a label. Then there's a special place where tapes go.) So right after worship I went to the bookstore and got two tapes: one for today's lecture, and one spare.

So I got prasad and a fig newton and some water. And then I saw R--luckily, he was there. I asked him, "Was there no tape last week for Swami's lecture?" He said no. I said, "That's really unfortunate. Well, here's a tape for today's." Then R told me that we're not doing tapes anymore. I guess we stopped doing tapes after summer recess. So I am totally off the hook. And the way I let my responsibility slip is moot. I am not in trouble.

So, if you stayed with me for that whole discussion, I commend and thank you. I feel like I'm getting mired in details.

After church Erik and I went to Walmart so I could get my blood pressure medication. (They have it for just $4--I think they might be losing money on it.) Then we went to Big Lots looking for a stock pot. Amazingly, they had exactly what we were looking for. So at this moment I have rice cooked in one stock pot and seitan cooking in the other. We realized that if we had another big pot we would eat more rice, which is good for our budget because my parents bought us a 50 lb bag of jasmine rice from Costco.

I'm in a good mood and happy to have the rest of the day. I plan to finish watching that movie with Erik and might make the Southwestern Corn Pudding.

Last night I wrote a letter to my friend L in LA and a letter about grad school to my friend H here in Sacramento. She wanted to know what grad school's like. It made me want to make a zine about grad school, but I'm afraid I would make myself too vulnerable in the way that grad school for me was all about people, and I don't want to get in trouble. And I don't want to talk crap about my grad school experience when people know which school it is and what program it is. Does this make sense? It would be indiscreet. But maybe I could make a zine like this under another name.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

bagels, Vegan Sourcebook

Our regular kind of bagels isn't vegan--I can't remember how, but I think it's honey. So today at Trader Joe's I bought some bagels made with sprouted wheat. Tried one for lunch--they're okay. I think they taste more like bread than like bagels. Contemplating making bagels the way we used to. It was easy.

I thought of another thing that almost made me cry yesterday: I was reading this book called The Vegan Sourcebook and the chapter about what dairy cows go through really got to me. Then was the chapter on what laying hens go through. I realized I was going to cry if I kept reading and put the book down. But now I have that feeling like I need to cry and didn't.

I'm going to be late to choir practice.

Friday, September 12, 2008

spicy peanut sauce

Here's how to make it in my own words.

Mix a fourth of a cup warm water with a fourth of a cup peanut butter. Add two tablespoons soy sauce, one tablespoon rice vinegar, one teaspoon sesame oil, one teaspoon hot sesame oil, two large garlic cloves pressed, a fourth of a teaspoon ancho chili powder, and four chopped green onions.

This actually isn't very hot, so I think I would rather double the hot sesame oil and eliminate the regular sesame oil.

everything's almost making me cry today

--the scene in a Norwegian/Swedish movie called Kitchen Stories where a man puts a blanket over another man who's sleeping
--a scene in the same movie where a man tells another man "Now it's time for coffee."
--the lyrics to "Boys Like Me" by Paul Baribeau

my parents made me
in 1980
and i was born in the hot hot summer
i loved my parents
my parents loved me
but they just couldnt love each other
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
i had a puppy
i named her odie
but we had to put her down last summer
she was my best friend
when i moved to grand ledge
but she had a stroke and couldnt even walk
but broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
i had a girlfriend
a pretty brown haired girlfriend
but something awful happened to us one summer
we both got real sad
and by the spring time
we forgot how to love each other
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
theres no moral to the story
its just my story and i hope i havent wasted too much of your time
its just a song i sing
cause song singing makes me happy
i wish that were true
i wish everyone were happy
but broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look
broken hearted boys like me are everywhere you look

new recipes

Today we went to Whole Foods so I could buy some ingredients for two new meals I wanted to make. I bought hot sesame oil, pure chili powder, rice vermicelli, rice vinegar (which it turns out we didn't need), cornstarch, coconut milk, frozen corn, green onions, a red bell pepper, two jalapenos, and some garlic.

This afternoon I made a recipe called Somen Noodles with Spicy Peanut Sauce. Only Whole Foods didn't have somen noodles, so I used rice vermicelli. It turned out delicious but somewhat bland. We think the noodles needed about twice as much dressing. This recipe is from a cookbook I got from the library called 150 Vegan Favorites. I think the dressing recipe is good, and I plan to make the dressing to put on soba noodles. Another idea is to use it on rice.

The next recipe I plan to make is called Southwestern Corn Pudding from the cookbook called Veganomicon. It calls for fresh corn, but I didn't want to pay fifty-nine cents an ear, so I bought frozen and hope that works okay. I don't actually have a copy of Veganomicon--I got the recipe online--there's a way using google reader to look through books. But I requested it from the library--Sacramento's system doesn't have it, but there's a way you can borrow from other library systems called Link+.

Today Erik and I went to Vedanta so I could work in the library for an hour. Luckily, R was also working in the library setting up chairs for tonight's slide show. I was able to ask him tons of questions that came up as I worked, and it was nice to chat. We talked about school and poetry. He gave me a poetry quiz, which I failed. When he left, the quiet was good too. Then I went to find Erik in the garden, and we walked around the grounds a few times to get our exercise.

happy Friday

Yesterday Erik and I went downtown to meet with another Sacramento zinester. She makes a zine called Dreaming of Donuts or something along those lines: it's a comics zine. I was so happy to meet her, but she forgot to bring me her zine. (She's going to send it to me in the mail.) We met at her workplace, Luna's cafe. It was good to talk with her though I am shy. Erik said almost nothing. She comes from Sacramento and is younger than I am, though I'm not sure by how much. She has piercings and seems punk, which I am not, and I was concerned she would find me very square. But she brought up a vegan benefit dinner she might be putting together, so I mentioned that Erik and I are going vegan, and she liked that. Yeah, not only do we have a car, but we have two. We are very square.

Then in the afternoon I had my first shift at Vedanta's bookstore since summer recess. I didn't like it. In a way I enjoy being there because I'm mostly alone and just read and write the whole time. But I feel so anxious about making a mistake. I worry that this afternoon I'll get a call saying I made some terrible mistake.

This morning I'm going to Vedanta to work in the library, doing data entry, which I was trained on the other day by R. It's getting info off the card catalog cards and putting it into the computer. I don't know how long I'll last. The library chairs are uncomfortable, but I'm hoping about an hour.

Well, I would like to wish a happy Friday to the friends of mine who work Monday through Friday jobs--I hope your weekend is full of joy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

full day

This morning at ten I saw my friend A. I gave her five copies of the latest zine because it has her essay in it and I thought she might like to give some to friends. It was good to talk together about our lives. I like seeing her more frequently. She kissed my cheek when she hugged me goodbye.

Then at noon Erik and I went to a free concert downtown. It was from noon to one, just right for my attention span. It was Baroque music: there were two recorders, a viola da gamba, and a harpsichord. Usually I don't like harpsichord, but I guess it's different in real life.

At two I had therapy. I spoke more quietly than usual. After therapy, I got my medication from the smiling nurse.

Then at four I met R so he could train me on how to enter book data into the library computer at Vedanta. It's pretty easy. (Note to myself: We enter author, title, publisher, place of publication, date, number of pages, and subject.) I plan to go work an hour most mornings. But tomorrow afternoon is my first day back at the bookstore after summer recess. I was hoping Swami would have found a replacement for me by now. Sad face.

Tonight I practiced recorder. My mouth is getting stronger, my hands are learning where to be, and my mind is learning notes. I guess that's simplistic. Everything's working together and learning together. It feels good to have something new to do. It feels meaningful. I hope eventually to be good enough to join the recorder society and make new friends. But even if I just play on my own, I like it.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008


Today Erik gave me my birthday present, which is an alto recorder and beginner's book. The recorder was $30. It's plastic, a Yamaha, and seems very well made. I gave myself my first lesson today, and it went just fine. I can play a scale. I played some little beginner's tunes. I like the alto recorder's sound. I think it suits me more than a soprano would.

Then we went to a park we had been to only once before: Land Park, by the zoo. We walked around a pond twice then sat on a bench for a while. Today it was super pleasant out, nice and windy, not hot at all. We read a letter sent to us by our friend M in Brooklyn. It made me feel loved and understood. He also gave us a present, but I couldn't figure out if it was for both of us or just me: it's a journal, unlined pages, spiral bound, and it says SISTERS on the front. Just last night I finished reading M's book and wrote him a letter about it, so he's been on my mind.

At the park we got close to Canada geese. I think they're beautiful.

Monday, September 08, 2008

volunteering, recorders, mystery shows, vegan food

Today I met with Swami about two topics: working at the library, and working on tapes and CDs of lectures independent of my work at the bookstore (the way things are now, I work on tapes and CDs of lectures as part of my bookstore job). The meeting went well. As we parted have gave me some prasad cookies, two--I gave one to Erik, who was waiting for me by the Krishna pond.

So it looks like I'm going to start working at the library. We're converting from card catalog to computer, so the work is data entry, I guess. I think I should be okay doing it for an hour a day, most weekdays. I just need to get R to train me. I gave Swami my phone number to give to R, but he hasn't called me yet about setting up a time to train me. I thought it was odd that Swami didn't have my phone number handy. He always communicates with me through P.

A few days ago I posted a freecycle ad asking for a recorder and sheet music. I didn't get any replies except for a reply from a person who belongs to the Sacramento Recorder Society just talking about recorders with me--he or she (not sure on gender from the name) said they see recorders at yard sales and Goodwill. So Erik and I went to Thrift Town today, looking for a recorder, and came up empty-handed. Anyway, the helpful person says it's possible to get a decent recorder at a music store for only $12. That's a heck of a lot cheaper than a bassoon! So maybe I'll do that.

Today we finished watching a BBC mystery show we've had out from the library. It's so well done. It's based on a Dorothy Sayers book called The Five Red Herrings. It was done in four episodes. We've requested another from the library (a couple weeks ago we watched a different BBC Dorothy Sayers mystery called Gaudy Night).

Erik and I have tried some vegan sour cream that's really good on our baked potatoes. I've also been eating some vegan cookies made by local company Sun Flour Baking Co, and they're super tasty. I want to see if Erik will take pictures for me, and I'll write some reviews, maybe tomorrow.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

birds, cookies

This morning I skipped church--we went to the bird refuge. I wrote a letter to my cousin who's in prison. Erik wrote haiku. We listened to lots of blackbirds.

Then we went to the Davis co-op. I have a tradition of buying Russian teacakes there, but now that we're vegan...I'm sure the Russian teacakes are made with butter. So I bought some organic powdered sugar and plan to make Mexican wedding cakes myself.

We also got gluten flower for making more seitan. And I got a big vegan lemon poppyseed cookie made by Alternative Baking Company--it was very good (but expensive).

We were planning on going to Berkeley on Tuesday, but now we're reconsidering because our budget is getting tighter now that the summer is drawing to close. The first SAT session doesn't start until October 9th.

yes, I know that book!

There's a book of haiku by Richard Wright that Erik got out from the library a few weeks ago. We've used it to play a game called the haiku game. This is how you play. You read all eight haiku on the two open pages. You choose your favorite ones. Then the other person reads all eight haiku on the two open pages, and they chose their favorite ones. Then you tell one another which were your favorites and see if they match. You talk about why you love the ones you love and hate the ones you hate.

We developed this game with the Richard Wright book but have played it with a different haiku book too, a cheap-ass Dover with yellowing pages and lots of interesting notes.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

mental health poetry journal

Here's a poetry journal my friend K told me about. Maybe I should submit.


new flavors

This morning we went for a walk then to Whole Foods for water and a few other things. I picked up some new flavors of soy yogurt: key lime, black cherry, vanilla. I got a container of plain for if I want to try making soy yogurt. One of the websites I read said they couldn't get it to work using plain soy yogurt from the store, but I figure that will be the cheapest way to try. Also, I could cheat and use dairy yogurt as my starter. We're only home vegans after all. One container of plain dairy yogurt isn't going to make much difference in the scheme of things.

At noon I had choir practice. I talked to R beforehand. I think he and I are both curious about one another. Choir practice was fine. We're doing Mahishasura, which is not my favorite song, but it's not grating on me as badly as it did last year. I got a little distance from it.

This afternoon we were thinking about going to a free performance downtown by the San Francisco Mime Troupe, but it was at a park, and it's really hot today. We decided to skip it. We made seitan instead. It's simmering in the pot right now.

I got a phone call from my friend P about some spur of the moment editing work. He wrote a bio for the person that the last interview was with, and he needed some editing help. He told me to work on it for an hour. At first I thought it was too little work to last me an hour, but I found a really important typo about 45 minutes in. He wants me to send it to him bright and early tomorrow morning. So I'll give it a final look over tomorrow morning before sending it to him.

I sent out another wave of zines today. I think I have one wave left.

Erik found out that Sacramento has the largest public archive of haiku-related materials outside Japan. What a coincidence, huh? Erik has been writing haiku every day for a couple months now.

Friday, September 05, 2008

to kick-start your little heart

Today Kitty peed on Erik's shoes. Most of the pee actually went between his shoes--only a little went on the right shoe. And the laces of the left shoe got soaked. Erik says his friend T can't leave his shoes out or the cat pees on them. So I guess this is a common thing. Kitty peed on my shoes a few weeks ago. I haven't worn them--I intend to put them in the washer but haven't yet. He peed on my second-best pair of tennies.

I am down again. But I'm trying to keep busy. I'm replying to some email and myspace messages and need to write more notes to go in with zines as I send them. (In the car I listened to the two Los Campesinos! songs that are the happiest tunes I know: "Don't Tell Me to Do the Math(s)" and "My Year in Lists.")

Today we went to Trader Joe's so I could buy blueberries to bring to samiti tonight. I am not looking forward to samiti, but I told P I would go. And I got the blueberries now, so I guess I have to go.

At Trader Joe's I bought some raspberry soy yogurt. I had it for lunch, along with an everything bagel, and it's good.

I was looking at the frozen treats at Trader Joe's and found myself attracted to mochi, but it's not vegan. I think this is the first time I was really disappointed that something I wanted to eat was not vegan.

I forgot to report the other day when Erik was hiking with T--they were trying to "bag" Pyramid Peak--Erik didn't come home until late. I thought he was dead at about 8:30. So I was planning out what to do, who to call, how I would have to move in with my parents, how I would need to get in with Santa Barbara County's mental health system so I could have my medication when I moved, what to do with all of Erik's stuff, how I would need to deal with all the boxes in the closet.... Needless to say, I was quite upset. When he came home at 9:30, I was angry that he hadn't called. He said he didn't know I would worry. We had an argument (argument = me being mad and him apologizing a lot). And now we have a policy in place that every time he goes hiking, we'll agree on a time when I'll start worrying so he needs to call.

clarifying edit: Erik doesn't have a cell phone, and neither does T, so calling would mean finding a pay phone on his way home.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

park day

Today I got an email from my friend P that upset me a lot. He questioned me about my suggestion that he should write out most of the numbers. I did some research and found a site online that pretty much explained my rationale. In his next email, he continued to challenge me, and I feel crushed and frustrated. My feelings don't match the situation very well. I think I'm still freaked out about the the bs that happened at the bookstore, and I'm very insecure about my abilities as a worker.

The bottom line is that I'll do it however we wants. If he wants to write out only numbers zero through nine and do all the rest numerically, that's fine with me--it's actually easier that way--I just need to know what he wants.

Today my friend A came to visit with her husband and kids. We went out to lunch at the Indian place we like. The food seemed spicier than usual. We had a nice time, shared some laughs. I can't remember now what we were laughing about. Sleepy. Then we went to the park. It was hot. We had some good times there too. I liked when the kids played close to us. I was playing with a stick that had lichen growing on it. I did the thing where you put a blade of grass between your thumbs and blow and it makes a loud sound. I hadn't done that in a long time. I kind of liked talking to this woman who was an aunt to the little kids she was watching--she had a shaved head, and she wore a hat covered in buttons with messages on them. I wanted to read her buttons, but I wasn't able to read even one.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008


Soy yogurt is really growing on me. I nearly hated that first container of lemon that I got from Whole Foods. I felt skeptical yesterday about the strawberry I got from Trader Joe's. And tonight I was fully converted as I ate my peach that I got from Trader Joe's as well.

Next I want to learn how to make soy yogurt myself. I've got this yogurt machine my parents gave me for Christmas years ago. Someone on freecycle asked for one today, and I thought about giving it up, but I decided to research soy yogurt making. I'll have to keep you posted.

the mariner's revenge

Today Erik is hiking, so I've spent the day alone except for a trip to the mental health place for therapy. I've decided I was being too passive. I'm changing my--what word am I looking for--tack? tact? tactic? I intended to go to the post office and send the first batch of zines, but I never made it. So I still don't know how much it will cost per zine. It's either going to be 59 or 76, domestic.

Today was a good mail day. I got a stack of postcards from my friend A, a total surprise. She has an essay in the new ELM, so I'm going to give her five. What else did I get? A letter from my penpal in Finland.

I'm listening to The Decemberists. I just heard that long song about revenge, those two men who are together in the belly of a whale. The mother says, "Find him, bind him--tie him to a pole and break his fingers...."

I've been collating, binding, punching holes, tying knots. I've been writing notes to go in with the zines. Sometimes they get repetitive, but to my dearest I say something new. I've got this great Japanese stationary that some people are getting their notes on--it says, "I'm out of my mind with loneliness. Stay with me." That just about sums up my day!

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

ELM #44

I'm really excited about the new zine I have out today, Erik and LM Magazine #44. It's the biggest zine I've ever made! It's 36 pages. Lots of reviews--book reviews and zine reviews. Lots of poems. Some stuff about Vedanta. A guest essay about growing up by my friend Ann. No recipes this time, but I think there will be lots about food next issue.

So I'm still collating and folding and poking holes and binding, but I made a few complete ones so I could look at them.

Today started out kind of bad. We were woken up by a phone call from my friend P. We ended up going to Vedanta in a rush so I could make a tape for Swami. Erik wrote some haiku by the Krishna pond.

Then we went to the copy place so I could copy the zine (I also made 40 more of functionally ill #3). It was super loud and busy in there. They make readers, and school just started--a lot of students came in. There were two little kids there for about 45 minutes--it's kind of hard to explain--but the kids were screamy, and I was already on edge. It took a long time to make all the photocopies--my machine kept jamming, so they decided to use another machine, which made me nervous--I didn't like when they took my originals from me to make copies on another machine themselves. But everything worked out just fine. It cost more than I was expecting, despite my coupon for four cent copies. It made me question whether this is a reasonable endeavor. Postage will be a great burden as well. But it's a really important part of my life, zine making. And I need to communicate. Also, I need to have something to trade. I've made some wonderful friends through zine trades.

Then we went to drop of the manuscript I proofread at P's new apartment (this is the boy P). It was good to see his place. It's a studio, and the kitchen is in the back, which I found strange, but he seems to like it a lot. He's paying $560, I think. We pay $595 for our one bedroom. But his is in midtown, and he can bike to a lot of places. We're out in Arden. But it's good that we're in Arden because it's close to the Vedanta temple.

So we chit chatted for a long time with P. We were both in bad moods, but it was good to be social. Then we went to pay our rent. We lost the piece of paper that has their po box and phone number on it, so we had to go there to the actual office to pay our rent. No one was there, so we put the rent through the mail slot. I guess we'll have to keep going there every month until we finally find some way to get the po box address again. I tried asking neighbors, but they weren't helpful. We don't have relationships with our neighbors. We just try to stay out of their way and not piss them off.

Monday, September 01, 2008

fake cream cheese

I bought some fake cream cheese made by Toffuti at Trader Joe's tonight and was super disappointed to see that it's got partially hydrogenated oil in it, which means it's got trans fats in it. I just glanced at the ingredients in the store, knowing it was vegan and thinking it would be good nutrition-wise. Oops.

I'm about two thirds done with the proofreading I'm doing for P. I've had some questions involving things like when a number should be written out. I'm doing my best. I would love to take a proofreading class to make sure I was doing everything just perfect. Books for this must exist?

honey banana bread

I made some banana bread today, new recipe for me, and it's just about the best banana bread I've ever tasted. It's not vegan because of the honey, but I'm using up my honey (we're not throwing away our non-vegan things but rather using them up).

Here it is!

1/3 cup butter (I used oil)
1 egg (I used Ener-G egg replacer)
1 cup honey or maple syrup (I used honey)
1 cup mashed banana
2 cups all purpose flour (I used whole wheat)
3 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chopped pecans (I used 3/4 cup walnuts)

With a mixer, beat together the butter, egg, honey, and banana. (I didn't use a mixer.)

Mix together the flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Add to the creamed mixture and stir until moistened. Fold in nuts.

Pour into a greased (large) loaf pan. Bake at 350 degrees F. for 25 minutes. Turn the oven down to 300 and continue baking for around 30 minutes, or until the top springs back when lightly pressed. (I baked until a knife inserted came clean.)