dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Friday, June 30, 2006

instant oatmeal, parking lots, candy

Today I copied issue 38 of the zine, washed dishes, and discovered a way to make our own instant oatmeal. Would you like to know?

Put some oatmeal in the bowl. Put in the bowl leftover water boiled for tea. Add a couple spoonfulls of instant milk power. Add a shake of cinamon and some hippie sugar. Stir. Let sit 10 minutes. Nearly effortless.

The next project is to sort all the recycling that's in the truck and take it to the pay place by Raley's.

Today I was also fooling around on Google maps and wishing I could print better like make it print satalite pictures landscape instead of portrait. There are many things I would like to do that I know are possible but for whatever reason I can't.

Anyway, copying was fine. I've driven myself to the place before, and it's always so much easier to do something the second time! I kept spacing out, though, and just kind of following the car in front of me, and then I would be like, "Oh crap, I'm driving," and have to fish myself out of the pool of reverie and think about where I was and where I needed to turn next.

The most important thing is the parking lots, though, and theirs is spacious, not busy, and makes total sense. Unlike, for example, the Whole Foods parking lot, which whoever designed that one should be punished by being forced to park in it. The co-op parking lot is pretty bad too because the spaces are tiny, but I've never driven to there.

Kitty let us sleep in this morning. He had been deciding that 6 in the morning was the appropriate time to get up. He relented. Erik's having trouble with his back at work--he hates their chairs and has brought two little camping pillows that he tries to arrange for his comfort and experiments with different postures. I remember when I worked at the grading factory, I would use different postures too in an effort to keep myself awake.

Last night we read a Wang Ping poem where a person in the poem keeps awake driving with cigarettes and candy. And I thought how at the grading factory, candy is THE method of choice though chocolate was banned. Erik sucks hard coffee candies from See's.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

reading, medication

Today I wrote a letter to JSK articulate and true. I read Diamond in the Rough #4 and #5, which are journal entries by someone who had bariatric surgery.

I'm reading Honeypot #5 which is just brilliant perzine--something very good about dating, relationships, communication. Her frustrations parallel mine. My favorite piece so far is descriptions of adult temper tantrums she's had, like when she got mad and kicked something conrete, so hard she couldn't walk the next day. The vulnerability is stark, and the writing's good, which is a combination more rare than one might think.

Other than that, I've been making envelopes and staring out the window a lot, thinking. I wrote a poem "Pat" that's unusual, mostly about my friend who killed himself in high school, also about depression and how people talk about it, and I'm looking forward to seeing what Erik thinks before showing it to anyone.

I've been wondering about upping my medication. I feel a little less sane lately, incapable of trusting my own impulses and opinions, terribly emotional and clingy, and I'm looking at the pros and cons, evaluating, considering the opinions of friends.

Erik says no. Erik has some convincing arguments for keeping me on the minimum dose. He thinks I should try all the other things. It's true I've been exercising just about zero since it got really hot.

Ellwood and Goleta beach, Erik's pictures

radiant iceplant with bee

you know how eucalyptus is

Goleta pier in the evening

He hasn't had the chance to look at these, let alone mess around with them, so I'm posting without permission, and maybe he wouldn't appreciate the by line, but they're my favorites.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

alternative we

I wrote letters last night to one Saint Alexander, Ramon, and the person who sent me six zines and something she knitted. I am almost caught up and still owe something to my friend in Finland and the proser in Bishop who sent me two brilliant poems, especially the weird one.

I am feeling totally and completely lost. I spend my days writing letters and writing zines, which is different from the usual of either working full time at jobs or full time parenting. Last night I told my friend A that I'm being a bum, and she said, "Good for you," so at least she approves.

We have our plan to find work and move--nothing's coming of it. Yesterday I wondered if we should just buy another air conditioner and stay here. We need to Talk about it.

If what I am should be called a housewife, then why isn't the house clean? I would have to say that my lifestyle lacks role models. I guess that's why we writers try to cling together.

What happened is that I missed a CBEST session, through my own error, so my work-rhythm has been thrown off, and I always think it's men whose feelings of self-worth are tied up with work, but it looks like mine is too.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


My computer's got this quirk. I can't print any of my pictures through the regular methods. I think I'm missing a dll file.

The only way I can think of right now to print is to post it somewhere and then print it by right-clicking and asking it that way. Which is fine. But I am telling you this and leaving the pattern here rather than just deleting it.

Erik just fell asleep about six times while he was sitting. Yesterday at work he had a dream while scoring. It had to do with whether someone saw a bear while they were scuba diving.

nothing much at all

Today I did jack shit, or I didn't do jack shit, depending on your idiom. But, that's fine. I was processing my weekend still. I'm slow.

Also, my freedom allowed me the time to talk on the phone with my dear M for two and a half hours. I don't do anything for two and a half hours! Except sleep. So my mind became altered.

I'm about to copy issue 38 of the zine, which is not as personal as the last two have been, and I think it's G rated. Some people will not be pleased. But hopefully it's good as the PG-13 stuff.

Why am I using movie ratings? I don't even like movies! Erik got Grave of the Fireflies from the library and might watch it tonight. He needs some healing because work has been so bad.

I've been taking better care of my plants lately, and it's fun to watch them grow. Kitty hs been a little demonic since we got home from the trip. Well, I think he's gone angelic today. If angels sing a lot. He wants to sleep always by my side. I like to feel his body twitch in a dream, and his pink paws against my leg as he stretches. I'm accommodating.

Monday, June 26, 2006

the trip to Santa Maria

We went to Santa Cruz for dinner at Erik's favorite place to get Sri Lankan food. The meal gave a good break in the driving so we didn't get bored.

We arrived about midnight and slept. Saturday we went to Santa Barbara so I could see my special someone. We ate Indian food at Spice Avenue. It was summer solstice parade day, and State St was lined with people and lawnchairs. There was confetti on the sidewalk.

Lunch was delicious, especially some eggplant pakoras with that brown, saly powder--perfect! Melted in the mouth. And I had nice fruit and rice pudding for dessert. After lunch, the streets were even more full of people. "I have to pretend this is a dream so I don't freak out," I told my special someone. She agreed. And we talked of other summer solstice days.

It was a lovely visit. Erik that whole time was walking by Ellwood Beach and napping and sitting. When he picked me up at 7, we went to La Superica for his dinner. I ordered for him. I got furious at some assholes in line behind us talking shit about a fat person. Then I got furious some more about some assholes talking shit about Mexicans. I started raving inside about how spoiled and clueless white Santa Barbarians make their living off the backs of the Mexicans and then do nothing to understand their culture or symapthize with them as people but go to a fabulous Mexican restaurant and order a quesadilla because they know what it is. A quesadilla and a diet pepsi or some shit like that.

I experienced class and racial angst. I watched Erik eat. I hate that patio that makes me feel like an underwater dream. I tried the guacamole and the lovely tacos with the chiles and cheese in them. I tried the chayote tamal. "This is special," I told Erik. "You will never have this again." I tried both salsas and the bean gordita, which had delayed our order for a long time.

Then we went to Goleta Beach and walked on the beautiful wooden pier. It was clean and romantic. It smelled like my youth, like I had to make a special effort not to lapse into my past of ten years ago. The fisherpeople were few and far between. Friends and couples took pictures in the dusk. We listened to the waves and felt our clothes whip around in the wind.

Next day Sunday we had breakfast with my friend Scott and his girlfriend T. We went to The Maya kinda by the mall. I was nervous to meet someone new and did not entirely enjoy my lovely meal. It was definitely substantial sustenance, the beans were good, but I should have asked for some enchilada sauce in which to drench my omelette, as I am wont to do. And then we went to Scott's house and talked two hours about all things and saw some microscopy photos. I asked an indiscrete question that I later regretted though all was well. I feel happy to have caught up with him. And happy to have met his dear girlfriend.

Then we went to Alejandro's house and had a nice though short visit. I got back a book of Chumash folktales he had borrowed a year or so before. I listened to him talk and looked at his hands.

When we left, his mom gave me the best hug goodbye I have received lately other than family. I mean on the warmth, length, and strength hug-rating scale. Maybe because her body feels like the bodies of my family members. And she has such good-hearted and unafraid motherly love.

And then I saw my peeps of the youngest sort and got to hold baby Meadow and kiss her fuzzy head over and over again. Julie hugged my leg and showed us her room. L gave us a plant.

It was a good visit. We drove home and ate at Sri again in Santa Cruz on the way. Bad traffic briefly on the 17 but otherwise okay. Erik forgot the camera at my parents' house, so I can't show you any pictures yet.

Friday, June 23, 2006

leaving home

It's supposed to hit 108 here today. Luckily, we are leaving for the weekend because the weekend's supposed to be even worse. Earlier, Sunday's high was predicted to be 112. No, we do not live in the desert. And no, it is not a dry heat!

So, we are going Out of Town with some housesitting duties such as feed the dog, feed the fish, water the garden, get the mail, get the paper, and let the dog in the house at night and put her out in the morning. I will get to see my special someone all day Saturday. And I will get to see other special people Sunday. So it will be very nice to hug loved ones.

I have been enjoying yogurt with some wheat bran stirred into it, lately. This morning I had the misfortune of burning my finger on the ceiling of the toaster over. Does a toaster over have a ceiling? You know how when you get burned and you don't know how bad it is? Like it could be something very slight and inconsequential, or it can be something that smarts for days. How mysterious this is.

I have received first-rate, world-class mail these past two days. I have been blessed with lovely letter writing friends. One even sent me something she knitted. Yet my saddness remains.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

the stationary

This is made by the German brand but is the inferior of the two packets I purchased. The flowers are super-cute for variation, but the superior is an ivory plain and relies only on the excellece of the paper.

yesterday in Berkeley

Yesterday Erik's project scored out before lunch. I was set for a day of writing and was working on something autobiographical and difficult. When he came home, it was hard for me to tear myself out of writing-world and come back to reality. But I did, and we took a shower and went to Berkeley!

First we went to lunch at an Indian-Pak place that used to be called Naan and Curry but which is now called House of Curries. We had paneer tikka masala and bengan bartha and four rotis, if you can believe that. It was delicious, and the food and people are the same though the name changed.

Then we went to the fair trade store so I could look for stationary. I found a little. And then we went to the stationary store Papyrus where I browsed to my heart's content and listened to an employee get busted by her superior, I think for using her cell phone on the job. It was difficult yet sickly interesting to listen to (like a car wreck).

I bought some stationary I had wanted for two years that is now on clearance half off! It's this very nice German stuff, oh just lovely, the nicest.

Then we went to ACME and got some of the finest bread on the planet. Whole wheat seed, olive, which are our usual, and an apple turnover and a cheese roll. We had the apple turnover and cheese roll for breakfast this morning, and they're just first-rate. There could not be better.

Then we went to the postie and I sent some stuff. And then we went to the Berkeley Zen Center so Erik could sit and attend service. I stayed in the car reading zines and a book I got in the mail....

Then we went to the marina and walked on the pier. There were tons of people fishing. It was beautiful and romantic, depite the litter of small fish heads everywhere. It was sort of an art walk because there's some awesome graffiti there. At the end of the pier, we looked out at the remnants of the old pier, and we looked at San Francisco's skyline across the water.

"You got snagged in some line," a fisherman said to us as we walked away.

We looked down, and Erik saw fishing line around his ankle. "Thank you," he said, and disentangled himself.

"I'm going to have to tell those people they caught something," the fisherman said. We laughed. He was really nice, although he looked like a tough character. Those are some tough-looking fisherpeople there generally. I don't like crowds, but walking a pier is my exception because these are good people to be among, and there's nothing like being above the water and staring out to the seals, the hypnotic motions of the water, the finiteness of the path of the pier.

Then we walked more and sat on the bench by the water and enjoyed the mini-waves as they lapped on the shore. It was romantic, I snuggled Erik, and I felt so happy.

Then we headed back toward College but got seriously lost near the university, which I enjoyed very much because I love Berkeley, and getting lost allowed me to just look around like a little tour without the irritating narration.

Finally we made it back to College and ate at House of Curries again. The food was perfect. We were reasonable and only got three rotis that time.

"You were here for lunch too," the worker said.

"We always do that!" I said.

"We live in Sacramento," Erik said. "When we come to Berkeley, we always eat here twice."

"Well then you deserve a discount," the worker said. We laughed, and he knocked our bill down to $20. What a nice guy! He's the boss but not the big boss. Young, with an interesting wide leather bracelet.

"Did you change your name?" I asked, and he explained how they were part of the franchise, but the family wanted them out of the franchise. And he told me they opened a new restaurant on Durrant.

Driving home we talked excitedly. It got steadily warmer as we headed east. It was 11 pm and 91 degrees out when we got to Sacramento, just miserable. Erik said how a cool night is supposed to be your reward for making it through the hot day, and the heat wasn't fair.

It was expensive in gas, but I'm so glad we went to Berkeley for the afternoon and evening, and my love of Berkeley is renewed as strong as ever. It was a perfect use of the longest day of the year.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, today is supposed to be 106--pray for me!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


I judge everyone by the color of their skin and the content of their character, but mostly on how smart they are, so it's important for me to be conversant in all the different types of smart.

I also judge people by their facial expressions and carriage, their taste in everything but especially food and books, how fast they talk and what they say, their accent, their shoes, their hairstyle, and how they really spend their time, which can be hard to determine....

Today's supposed to be 102. I washed dishes early and have an escape plan of the library, which is well air-conditioned. Our apartment has a small air conditioner that works only about ten feet around it. And it works best in the 80s and 90s, not too well once it's around 100 and beyond. Happy longest day of the year.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


I forgot the best one! There's a book about a society in the future where everyone's controlled by Big Brother, and it's called 1974.

contested knowledge: the world acording to 16-year-olds

We got some wonderful juice from Trader Joe's. It's orange-mango-peach flavor. It tastes like the fruit punch of my childhood but more fruity and less red.

SAT scored out this morning, and I'm glad, but there are three things I learned recently that I need to tell you.

1. The first is that "Don't Worry, Be Happy" was written and performed by Bob Marley.

2. The other is that society is a a very big thing and should not be destroyed.

3. The third is that in the 60s, there were many movements for social justice, and they may or may not have been necessary or useful.

Can you believe that? It's not often that I'm moved to say WTF, but I am going to say it right now. WTF.

"No Woman No Cry" is kinda like "Don't Worry, Be Happy" in a way.

I remember when we used to sit
In the government yard in Trenchtown.
And then Georgie would make the fire lights,
As it was logwood burnin through the nights.
Then we would cook cornmeal porridge,
Of which I'll share with you.
My feet is my only carriage.

My brother used to listen to that song over and over when we were kids. I heard a lot of Led Zepplin through the wall also.

Is that "logwood burnin" or "log would burnin"???? I don't know Jamaican. I'm an ignore-anus like those kids. I will always be an ignorant kid.

black music

I've spent the morning scoring and looking for music on amazon that's not white people singing. I was investigating Madlib and enjoyed some but was not entirely sold. I'm missing a world of context.... I drifted through some other hiphop very creative, surprising, something else but not something I feel I could hear a lot of.

And then fell into Arcade Fire who I had heard of but not heard, and The Decemberists, and that famous Sufjan Stevens--sounds lovely. So I broke down and returned to the white side. But my dear reader, I request you point me to some black or brown voices. I loved Diggable Planets' Reachin' as a teenager but didn't like Blowout Comb as much. I still have that and perhaps should give it an adult listen.

Kitty's whiney and cranky. So am I. It's supposed to hit 107 on Thursday!!! I'm hungry and ate all the fruit in the house yesterday. I think I eat comparatively a lot of fruit. We need to go to the store. I grubbed half a cucumber for half my breakfast. Deperate times call for desperate measures....

Monday, June 19, 2006


I am so lucky to have such interesting, smart, caring friends. I feel I spent half the day on the phone, though it was not--it's just that talking on the phone takes me a long time to process. My mind is full of the ideas of dear others. Now I'm sleepy, and my neck hurts.

We fell in love with this cheese at Trader Joe's that has basil and sun-dried tomatoes in it. Have you seen it? Well, it's a really easy way to make just about anything taste good. Like a salad, or eggs, or anything non-dessert and non-Asian, really.

Suddenly I was in the shower and it hit me that the work is running out and at the same time hit me how much money we have in the bank, and that wonderful feeling I had earlier went down the drain with the soapy water that I had just used to wash my hair. Damn it! But I have faith. It's only money. The worst that can happen is we'll go into debt again. We'll never be homeless because we have family who love us. So money fears are scary but will not lead to actual demise.


I'm so happy when I look at my calendar, it's blank. That means it's summer, and the test soring season is closing until fall. It's scarey to have no work lined up, but it's also a wonderful free feeling. When Erik is done with his current project at the grading facotry, so many activities will occur. Like there's this bookstore downtown I want to visit and look for books by Marilyn Krysl. And I want to bring some CDs to Dimple, and bring some mystery books we got through freecycle to the nearby mystery bookstore Bain's. I want to clean the house super-squeaky clean. And more more more, like intense job searches in preparation for moving, rest, walks, lots of cooking.

The current SAT session should score out tomorrow. We were up at 6 this morning, so Erik could score at home before going to work to score more. He's a hard worker. He also finished drilling holes in the mini-zine, and I have that half-bound and sending out copies today. Last night I wrote a letter to J. I need to catch up on correspondence with my dear K, who I've neglected for months, and as the stack of letters from her accumulates, it becomes more daunting to respond, though I shouldn't feel that way. She's all love. She's moving back to Quebec from Belgium soon. I think she's happy.

When I'm sleep-deprived, I lose my breath more easily and feel different in my chest. When Erik's done at the grading factory, we will also sleep a lot and feel more healthy again. Life is always in cycles for us like this.

Sunday, June 18, 2006


LM: Take Rome, for example.

E: That would have been difficult.

LM: Why?

E: Because of the Roman army.

cereal revelation, defuse

I realized that when I eat cereal, it makes me feel like a horse.

It's way too hot here. I got some nice zines in the mail yesterday, #1 and #2 of Guys You Should Be Extremely Wary Of.... They're hilarious, and I love them.

We're having a potato festival around here. They're so much lovelier than I ever remember.

This morning I awoke from horrible dreams, mostly a bad teaching dream where I had no textbook and never had a plan and was wingin' it every class. And there was some racial tension in class that I was too unskilled to defuse, and my class left, and people I knew were in the class and saw me making a jackass of myself. Anxious!

OKay, we're having word trouble here in the Taylor-Lundgren household. Is diffuse that word I wanted there? What do you do with a bomb? Defuse it? Or Diffuse it? Okay, problem solved. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/defuse

Saturday, June 17, 2006

too hot

Today I finished the secret side zine--still have to copy and bind it, though. The heat's crazy-making. I'm a dufus checking my own blog to see if it's been updated, which reminds me of a story I often remember about the girl who was teaching for the first time and realized nothing would happen until she stood in front of the class and said somethinng.

We went to the li-berry and got some stuff I had requested. I paid a fine. I wanted to put up a postqueer flier but was too shy to ask AND too shy to do it without permission. Somtimes I really bother myself. Being me feels like a churning mass of conflicted frustration.

Then we went to Whole Foods where I wanted to look for stationary, ie fair trade recycled birthday cards, but their cards were all yuppie and soul-less. And not even recycled, fuckers! (I'm calling them fuckers, not you, dear reader.) We got Erik some very expensive tea, and we got some garlic, and we got me some somewhat expensive tea. And two jars of tahini.

Tomorrow my parents are going on a trip. And it's father's day, so I got to remember to call my dad.

Friday, June 16, 2006

false alarm

I got Such a Pretty Face on PaperBackSwap. Yay!

procuring books

Today I scored SAT, read, wrote a little, shopped for books and didn't buy any, and right now I'm making pizza. Something weird happened with my dough. I think my flour was super-dry, because I needed to add an extra half-cup of water to the dough mixture or it just wasn't going to work out. As it is, my dough is super-dense and dry, so we'll see if the crust turns out yummy. We're more into toppings anyway.

I talked on the phone with this worker at the library because I requested a title two months ago whose status never changed from ON SHELF. She went to look and saw it wasn't on the shelf and decided it must have gone missing, so I will neve get to read Such a Pretty Face. Because I asked then about requesting materials from outside the system, and she told me they do it for $5. I said I remembered another program where the system had relationships with other systems, and it didn't cost.... She said it was too expensive and they stopped participating.

So now my library kind of sucks. I guess we need to get a library card for Berkeley and get books over there? Or I need to buy them? Bummed. Another reason to move. But really our tastes are too academic. We need to be affliated with an intitution of higher learning. Maybe I should start teaching again.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

what I bought

This evening I realized that for the past few days I've been feeling stable, neither high nor low, and I like it. Thoughtful, calm, steady. A little fragile but not crying.

Tonight we went to the store. I got blueberries, strawberries, and five birthday cards that aren't fair trade or recycled, but are real and actual and can be sent in the mail to friends and aunts who have birthdays. And potatoes. And some large manilla envelopes--usually I reuse envelopes, but sometimes for whatever reason I need a fresh one. Like a job application or something.

Erik's instituted writing time from 9:30 to 10 every night, so if you ever want to speak with me privately, that would be a good time.

Reading Extanjero #4 and I like it. This couple is so smart yet up-beat, and Lola's ESLisms are so lovely. Good stuff to put into the mind.

And I'm working on a new zine of mine, a secret project that is not an Erik and Laura-Marie Magazine. It will be a small run.


I am in the market for some recycled fair trade birthday cards. I know I could use blank cards for birthday cards, but I think some people consider the birthday card-ness important to the recognition of their special day. So I would appreciate any tips.

It's not that I don't like looking--I'm a bit of a stationary nut. It's that I'm not having any luck.

Another option besides recycled is if it's made of something other than paper like hemp or some unusual bush or non-tree plant.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

beautiful dreamer

I finally finished this poem I had been working on "consider us." Usually I write really fast, but this one took days until I finally fixed it by just cutting the last three lines. Perfect solution!!!

If your pasta is too boring, I have some suggestions. Add sour cream, sliced up kalmata olives, and toasted pine nuts. It will be yummified.

I was made sad by the fact that our mechanic sold his business and Jim Hanley Firestone is now owned by some shmuck who I do not trust, nor do I trust his partner, and I'm so sad because not only was Jim Hanley intelligent and skilled, he was also so likable and didn't have gender trouble and didn't tease me. So I feel we need a new mechanic, but there is no pain in the ass quite like finding a new mechanic, and the location is good.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

new flowers

  Posted by Picasa

Monday, June 12, 2006


During our trip to Portland, a highlight I forgot to mention was our trip to Microcosm, where I needed to go to drop of 90 copies of issue 36. They're open 11 - 6 every day in the basement of a community building called Liberty Hall that has a big stage. We were nervous to enter such an unusual space. A gentleman on a bike arrived just as we did.

We stared at the flyers up in the foyer before heading downstairs. A sign said no alcohol.

Microcosm's a ton of stuff in a small space. "Oh, you have zines," the tall blond guy behind the counter said.

"Who are you?" I asked cautiously, somehow thinking it was Joe.

"I'm Joe," he said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Laura-Marie," I said. Did we shake hands? I really don't think so. "This is 90 copies, and this is...."

"Oh, and you brought the new one," he said, looking at the lone copy of issue 37, which was wrapped in a note starting "Dear Joe."

He said thanks. He said we could look around but to ask if we needed any help because the arrangment of stuff was not very conducive to browsing. But we found interesting stuff without problem: Dorises, the Doris book, a book by Carrie McNitch, and one of the zines I'd gone there hoping to peek into Applicant. Joe again told us to let him know if we had any questions.

Erik liked a tee-shirt design on the wall FIX SHIT UP though I'm not sure how familiar he is with the FUCK SHIT UP line so familiar.

"Are you all set?" Joe asked, when he saw us cautiously in the purchasing posture. I paid with the debit card (buying the Doris book and the new Doris, issue 23?). He offered us a catalogue--I refused, saying I just look online.

Then Erik had to go to the bathroom. I didn't, so I stood and stared at a wall with some flyers and art stuck to it, looked into a trashcan, got a feel for the place. A sign said that if you're staying at Liberty Hall, to keep your stuff in a certain corner. Another sign I noticed as we walked up the stairs said something about bugs and vermin getting in and gave some instructions about closing windows?

When we left the building, a woman was on the stage playing guitar, and it sounded very good, soulful and rich like Cat Power, but I was overwhelmed and just had to get out of there.

favorite album

I fall in love with Befriended the more I listen to it. Music is like that for me. A good book has to teach me how to read it like good music has to teach me how to hear it. I'm sometimes a slow, deep learner.

Anyway, Innocence Mission is the most healing music I know, which is something I go to art for.

Today we're getting a repreive from the heat. There are high, airy clouds and a reasonable wind.

Our car began to give a little shudder sometimes, at a red light, and it scared us yesterday, so this morning I called then mechanic at 7:30, and he said we could bring it in. They haven't replicated the shudder but have found more than $400 worth of work to do anyway. *sob*

So I have more motivation to score, but usually I can score and listen to music at the same time, but not this album, so I've paused to write to you, my dear reader. Oh, my cold is going away, and you have no idea how glad I am.

I will kiss all the faces of
my beloved ones. I
will meet the morning.

I love the way she breaks her lines. The themes are repetitve, but I'm cool with that. Morning, snow, trees, walking, loving friends. Really, why not.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

lazy Sunday

Feeling sad and like life is quite boring. It's SAT scoring that does it to me because every moment I could be working. It's like when I was a teacher and any moment should be grading papers: discontent.

We took a nap this afternoon without even deciding. One minute we were lying in bed talking--the next minute sleeping. That's because of sickness.

I wrote two letters today and finally decided which poems to send to Pleiades. What else did I do today? I couldn't even tell ya. Washed the dishes. Threw some stuff away. Fed Kitty a liver treat. Watched him meowing at a pretty bird on the railing this morning. Or was that yesterday?

He is so very much himself. He's so skinny and slinky. His fur is so soft like the softest fur coat. I remember the first time I ever saw him. I thought he was so beautiful and perfectly gray. I remember the first time I ever heard his cry. I laughed because it was so loud and emotional. He knew something was up and hid curled up on a chair at the diningroom table. And what's a house without a cat? Quiet.

This morning I was up early and saw the early light pinkish in the living room. It draws me. I scored while Erik slept in. I was starving but didn't want to wake him up making breakfast. I crunched an apple concerned my crunches were keeping him awake. It's the wettest, hardest apple I ever remember eating but a little too sweet for my tastes, an organic fuji from south america, and the stuipd sticker left a residue of adhesive I cut away.

jokes for a sick Sunday

I'm too sick to write, so here are some jokes. I acknowledge up front that some are in poor taste. Just mildly. Don't ask me why every word is capitalized. Well, you can ask, but I won't know why.

How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Friday, June 09, 2006

getting better already

My cold's definitely going away. SAT scoring is acceptable. It feels normal.

I got some little poetry zines in the mail today, and read another Boxcutter. Wrote three letters. We're going to have ice cream. Caramel! Velvety and fine, with a caramel swirl.

Friends Cynthia and Jason B starting new blogs, exciting. Promises of a CD, encouragement about Erik and Laura-Marie Magazine. And I had a nice long chat with my special someone. Happy.

for writers and readers

I really like this "Happy Endings" by Margaret Atwood. Please go read it--only takes a few minutes. I would say it's a poem, but it's a poem about fiction, right?

Thursday, June 08, 2006


I'm sick and irritable to the point of angry. Drinking tea and wishing to get well.

SAT scoring started today. It's fine. We got a letter from Paul, and he sent jr ranger badges and a postcard. He's sweet.

All noises are bothering me. I'm sad, without comfort, and feel that everything is meaningless / empty.

My laugh of the day: when Erik thought the salsa was some pasta sauce and put it on the pasta.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Today, at jury duty, I was ultimately excused by the judge. It wasn't fun, but it's over. I wrote two letters and read a zine I'm not sure how much I like called Boxcutter.

At lunch I walked to the park where there was a farmer's market and bought cherries, brocolli, and an apple. I walked to the postie and sent a zine to Canada and a packet to Andre.

When I was excused, I walked to a cafe and got a small orange juice so I could sit there waiting for Erik to pick me up just after 5.

I'm either sick with a cold or still having a bad reaction to the mild ancho peppers I chopped and cooked up last night. Remind me to never buy peppers ever again.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

civic duties

The bad news is that we didn't vote. We were so busy we didn't do our research. Then this evening we napped, woke up at 7:53, and the polling place closed at 8. Oops.

The worse news is that I have jury duty tomorrow. Erik was there briefly to turn in an excuse months ago. "It's like the DMV in there," he said.

"No!!!!!!" I said.

"Are you going to tell them you think all right-handed people are innocent?" he asked.

"I won't lie. I won't lie. I won't lie," I said.

One time in Santa Barbara I was on a jury for a case. It was in the summer and kind of interesting, but the Santa Barbara courthouse is beautiful.

I have lots of letters to write back to and some zines to read. I think I'll be okay. But my not-driving is a difficulty because I will be stuck there until Erik is done with work, so if for example they release us early I could be stuck downtown for a long time.

the Portland trip

My dear peeps, I will tell you some more.

What was valuable to me wasn't very public. Mostly moments like when O was licking his arm with such intense fervor, when A liked my description of Paul's pet chicken as little and cute, or when C said, "I think this might be a funny one," and the four of us laughed as Dad made a show of running with the pirate-paper paper airplane held high.

Less intimate favorite things were seeing the famed Powell's and our first views of the city, evaluating how big it is. And the happy embrace to see my old friend ARG. See, that's personal again!

Erik played light sabers and T-ball, suiting up each boy in the complex catcher's gear, wearing a black batting helmet, reading to them about Star Wars and a Junie B Jones book. We had some perfect pastries and some good gardenburgers and the wonderful pasta with fresh basil and toasted pine nuts and tomato paste, rich and lovely even without garlic, as the boys ate pizza rolls and crunched carrots. Their house is beautiful. Really a weekend could not be better.

So that's all I'm writing, and you can request my journal entries or ask me about it on the phone.

Monday, June 05, 2006

something else funny

A girl from Texas and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"

It didn't make me laugh, but I like it for a set of reasons including the issue of grammar, the use of geographical stereotypes, and the surprise.

my biggest laugh all day

Scoll just over halfway down the page to read of this noble improv outreach.


charmed I'm sure

My mind is so full of the interesting fun of our weekend in Portland that I've had a hard time sleeping for days. This morning I need to do somethings before it gets too hot and then hopefully go to bed. I had never been to Oregon. The trip was safe. We got home at 2:30 this morning. I am filled with ideas my friends said and altered with new ways of being. I feel lucky.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

happy Junifers!

My new favorite song is "Fistful of Love" by Antony and the Johnsons. I am becoming more secure in my primary reading of its lyrics but would welcome ideas.

My favorite phrase is "such that" as in "It was broken such that I couldn't remove the tape." I also like "as in."

My favorite way to fall asleep is immediately.

My favorite way to eat is slowly and with privacy with the one or ones I'm eating with.

My favorite soda is no soda.

My new favorite moment is the moment you ask someone a question you really want to know the answer to and they're about to answer.