dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

blue the color

It's 2.  The computer consultant is here.  I wanted to clean up more but didn't.  I'm embarrassed about how messy my desk is.  I have too many projects.

Bought some stevia and want to make oatmeal haystacks.  Good cookies.

What else was I going to tell you?  I bought expensive sox from amazon with some birthday credit from A.  All different colors.  Blue is one of the colors.

I'm making friends with blue the color.  She and I are getting to be quite close.  I used to hate her.  What a difference 25 years makes.

Monday, January 30, 2017

hiding, dancing

I'm in a phase called hiding.  It's also called dancing.  And I write letters all the time.  So I am hiding from people in person but not in my mind.  I love the friends who are far away, and the near friends too, but...  I better get through this phase soon because visitors will be here Thursday.

Sunday, January 29, 2017


Dang, I could protest full time if I wanted to.  There are so many going on.  Yesterday Ming went to two.

I cooked a lot and used up all my energy cooking then serving.  I didn't have that good of a feeling.  I didn't really want to be there.  It's not ideal.

I want to hide in a blanket fort.

just dreams

Today is bean making day, rice making day.  It's the big cook for Food Not Bombs.  And we're bottom lining it because our friends are in Flagstaff.  So we gotta serve and hang out longer than usual.  It's five pounds of pinto beans.

This morning I woke from complex dreams of having to do all sorts of things, old fashioned, journeys, performances, broken things.  It was hard realizing upon waking that I didn't need to keep struggling.  It was just dreams.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

seven swans

This morning, bed exerted a force.  I had a hard time.  But I got up.  I dressed and made a sandwich for me, a sandwich for Ming.  We went to the Catholic Worker house.  We gathered and prayed.

Then we went to the serving site.  I did towels.  Ming did bread.

Then we went back to the Catholic Worker house.  I rinsed pots.  I talked to the pot washer.  I told him Ming and I don't really do Valentine's Day.  We do our anniversary instead.

Then we had our usual Saturday morning meeting.  Then we broke--braked? breaked?--and went upstairs in the other house to the prayer room for a visioning meeting.  We hashed things out.

Now we're home.  I made rice and tea.  I'm listening to Sufjan Stevens' album Seven Swans, which I haven't listened to completely in a long time.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Sylvan Esso

I am in love with this song!  The video's great too.  I requested the cd from the library.  So fresh and clean and catchy.

Thursday, January 26, 2017


This morning Ming was late to serve the hungry.  I had a dream about a snake that kept chasing me.  It was green with a split tail that was red.  I tried to kill it with a chair.  That was all I had.

Today I peace vigil at 9.  The weather report says it'll be 39 degrees at 9.  I should dress warm.

The desk cleaning fairy didn't come in the night, so it's still a mess.  But I want to write letters.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017


I worked on filing stuff and throwing stuff away.  I went through two boxes from the bedroom.  I made a huge mess.  It's still messy but I'm out of energy.

Sleepy.  Ming's gone out to the langar.  We were running errands and suddenly he remembered he told a friend he'd go, tonight.

My problems are papers, old letters I can't stand to throw away for whatever reason, old zines I don't know what to do with, postcards, stationery, and even stickers--I don't buy them, but people send them to me sometimes.  Stamps.  Newsletters from other organizations.  Art people sent me or that I made, a little.  Envelopes, used or new.

Then there's the books.  I declared a moratorium on buying books a while back.  Then somehow it ended.  Now I need to redeclare it.


"He's going to bite the hand that's been feeding him.  You know, that's people's favorite hand to bite!"

"Smells like fish.  I guess being in the ocean for a while will do that to you."

three good things

At the farmers market last week they were selling bergamonts.  I had never seen them before.  The fruit to season Earl Gray.

Monday we got rear-ended.  Luckily the person was going slow.  It was a surprise, and no one was hurt.  We were leaving a parking lot.  Our back bumper got whitened, like the plastic bent and then came back into shape.  We said it was no problem.  But it's one more jankiness.

Last night we had community dinner at an Italian food restaurant and it was great.

I've been sad, but I have tea, noodles, and music.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

good idea

I got an idea.  I think I'm going to do some filing.  I have too many papers.  I need to throw some away, move some through my life, pass them along.  But some I do want to keep, and keeping them randomly on my desk is not working.

I want my file box to be clear, and I need some files, and I think it'll be good.

Yesterday I was painting with these watercolors my friend sent me.  It was fun.  I had extra paint, so I started painting covers of my zines that were sitting around.  They look pretty cool.

I have a lot to do.  Breakfast is first on the agenda.

Monday, January 23, 2017


Dear friends,

Today I'm meeting a ton of new people in a class I'm taking at UNLV but it isn't a regular class--it's for adult learners.  Really--it's for retired people, so I think at my age I will stick out like a sore thumb.  We gotta go early to find the building and room and I have to pick up my badge.  I'm scared.  Why am I doing this again?

To balance the above paragraph o' negativity, I should say something happy now.  I woke up this morning.  My systems mostly work.  I have friends and family who love me and I love them.  The sun came up.  Or rather the earth spun.  Right?  Isn't that how it works?

A friend and her spouse are going to screenprint on two of my teeshirts, so I'm mailing them today, or rather Ming probably will because tho I love the mail, I hate standing in line at the postie.

Laura-Marie River Victor Peace

Sunday, January 22, 2017


We got this nice rye bread from the business Costco.  I like caraway seeds.

This morning I slept in late, till after 7.  It was pretty luxurious.

This morning I made a scramble with olives and avocado.  Pretty good with rye toast.

Yesterday was exhausting in all sortsa ways.  I will take it easy today.

ps  No one thinks my necklace is as funny as I do.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

womens march today

political prisoner letter writing night last night


We marched in the womens march.  I held my sign and Ming held his.  We met J and G.  We marched with them.

At times I was moved, feeling like I was doing my sacred duty.  At times I was frazzled, especially when strangers were bumping into me.  At times I was worried, like when Ming got too far away.  At times happy.

I dissociated for a few seconds, at the march, before realizing what I was doing and snapping out of it.

There were thousands of people.

Came home and ate some leftover rice and half a banana and a huge satsuma that had the best flavor in the world.

something new

I think we're going to the womens march this morning at 11.  I feel nervous about it.  I'm scared of getting arrested.  Also facebook says almost 4000 people will be there.

But I have a sign.  There's limited parking.  I wish to carpool, but I want to be able to leave if I need to leave.

Okay, I wrote a friend's phone number on my arm.  Someone who's not going to the march.  Most of my friends are going to be there.  I never wrote a phone number on my arm before.

Friday, January 20, 2017

blessed is she among women

I've been listening to this song a few times a day for a while now.  Sufjan Stevens Christmas music is appropriate regardless of month and season.

My favorite part is the first sentence, but I love it all.

Once in a while you might think you see better than the others, stumbling around in the dark with your drum.

It's a weird story in one sentence, and it goes from there.  The end of the song disintegrates into noise, but I listen to it anyway.  But the beginning is my favorite.

Thursday, January 19, 2017


good mail day

My spouse and friends are hiking at Red Rock.  I am enjoying solitude and Sufjan Stevens on youtube.

Today we vigiled at the federal building.  The sun shone sometimes.  The wind blew.  My hands were cold.  I took some pics and posted them on facebook.

I got some good mail.  One I need a paintbrush for.  There are spots of paint I will activate with water and make a creation for my old mail art friend dystatic.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

no flower, no time

I ran out of one of my meds.  I erred.  But my doctor person has a policy.  When you're out, you're out.  She won't refill until she sees you.

So I had an appointment for tomorrow but they canceled it and gave me one for 4 today.  But we needed to give Brian Terrell a ride to his talk.  So we went early to my appointment.  But we waited for an hour.  4 came and went.  At 4:40 I was like, we can't wait anymore.

But my other appointment was canceled, and there was no way to re-get it.  So we talked with the desk people, and they were upset with me.  But it's ridiculous.  If a 4 appointment means nothing.

So we were driving away and a worker ran out into the parking lot, waving for us to stop.  "Martha will see you right now," she said.

So I returned to the office.  Martha took a while wrestling with her computer to do the refills.  And she wrote them out on paper in case the pharmacy didn't get them.  I was like, holy shit, Brian Terrell.  Time ticked.

I was back in the car and felt so bad.  We were going to be way late.  Brian was supposed to be at the community center at 5:30.  But it was almost 5 and we weren't home yet.  And rush hour traffic.  And blame.

I txted Brian Terrell while Ming drove.  I was anxious.

When we finally arrived at home, Brian smiled at me.  I don't think he hates me.  I said, "Good luck.  You're going to do great!  So sorry."

So now he must have just started his talk.  Hopefully not too frazzled.  I had wanted to give him a flower for his buttonhole on his shirt but that didn't happen.

bed bed bed

Well, here I am.  Alive and kicking.  Our houseguest is at the Catholic Worker this morning.  I slept in late and wanted to spend the day in bed but changed my mind.  But I might get some reading done there.  The struggle of my life = how much easier it is to write than to read.

But I got exquisite mail yesterday.  I need to read a chapbook I received.  Maybe I will go back to bed.  Ming's at a doctor's appt.  I hate doctors for me and for him, but he doesn't hate doctors.  So that's good.

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

yay indeed

Chelsea Manning's sentence was commuted.  I am very, very glad.


We have a houseguest.  He's giving a drone talk tomorrow night at the Quaker church as part of a speaking tour.  He's a Catholic Worker activist celebrity Brian Terrell.  I usually don't go to talks, but he's my friend and I might go to this one.

Monday, January 16, 2017

pumpkin seed butter

I bought some pumpkin seed butter a while back.  I put it in the fridger.  Just now I tried it.  Tastes kinda weird.  But I think I like it.  I had some straight, like I used to enjoy pecan butter, right off the spoon.  It's raw and sprouted.

This same company also made watermelon seed butter.  I bet you think I'm kidding, but I'm not.  I was like, is that even food?  I didn't buy any though I wanted to.  Next time I looked, the health food store didn't have it anymore.

how it actually went

We were there at Raw Remedies before 1 to set up.  Then R didn't arrive with the float until 2:15.  Luckily we didn't need a table--they had two tables and we set up nicely.  I wish the food didn't get cold while we waited.  There was a dj and I was dancing.

Then they arrived.  The noise got to me more and more.  Then I went to sit in the car for a while.  Then Ming packed us up and we left.

A lot of people ate.  A lot of people came back for more rice.  Yes, my rice is tasty.  I didn't burn it either, so that's nice.

Now I want to hide in a silent, dim place for a long time.

this morning's timeline

6:30 am--turned on beans
put in carrots, onions, garlic
7:15--beans boiled
stir stir stir
9--add salt to beans
wash new pot
10--start rice
11--beans will be done, taste
turn heat all the way down
11:30--rice will be done
wash greens we picked
open bags of greens we bought
11:50--cook greens
12:20--Ming home
12:30--load pots, condiments, serving utensils, plates, forks, cooler, swag into car
12:55--arrive at Raw Remedies and get set up

big cook

Today's the day!  I will cook vegan food for 50+ people for the MLK Day parade afterparty.  The greens will run out first, I predict.  I will make a list of everything not to forget.

vegan sour cream
cooler with ice and extra vegan sour cream
serving utensils
salt & pepper
NDE swag

Ming's going to the MLK Day parade and will come home at 12:30 to get me and the food.  And the NDE swag.

brown rice
olive oil
chili powder
better than bullion
canned peas

pinto beans

olive oil

vegan sour cream

Sunday, January 15, 2017

my community


Last night's a-cafe was pretty good.  I talked to some people.  A friend brought his girlfriend--it was nice to meet her.  It was a mustache party, but I couldn't get it together.

Tomorrow I'm cooking a ton of food.  I did it last year too, for the MLK parade afterparty.  Last year was Ethiopian food.  This year is brown rice, beans, and greens.  With toppings.  I can do it.

Yesterday Ming and King Ron prepped veg.  They got the new food processor working.  It's great.  It saved a lot of time.

Today I'm skipping Food Not Bombs.  I have support call at noon and support group at 3.  I will get all supported out.  Also we need to pick greens from J's garden.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

two more stupa pics

Friday, January 13, 2017

two more pics

Here's some tofu larb from the Thai place.  It was so tasty and flavorful!

This is a pic from the Arcosanti foundery where they make the metal bells.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

report on our last day in Sedona

This morning we went to the stupa.  For a while we had the place to ourselves.  We spun the spinny thing and walked three times around the stupa with prayers.  Signed the guestbook.  Sat a while.  And I took all those pictures.

Then we went to a tea shop.  I had lemon basil oolong.  Ming had a rolled up one.  It's in little spheres, but they open in the hot water.

Then we went to a bead store that was more of a jewelry store.  It was high end.

Then we went to a bookstore that was more of a gift store.  There were large $7 trilobites.  But Ming didn't get one.  He may be maxed out.

Then we went to the library to pee.  Outside there were boxes and boxes of free books.  I chose a few.  One is a biography of Che Guevara that looks amazing.  But can I get myself to read much?  We'll see.

Then we had Indian food that was really good.  Loved it.

Then we decided to go to the Grand Canyon, a two hour drive away.  We went up this long road that runs by Oak Creek, and it was very pretty.  We got closer and closer to the Grand Canyon and it started to sprinkle.  I was like, "Let's see when this turns to snow."  Within a minute or two, it was snowing a little.  Then a lot.  Then the roads were icy, and we saw a car by the side of the road that had spun out of control.

We decided to turn around.  We were within five miles of the park entrance, but it was like a blizzard.  It wasn't worth risking our safety.  Turning around was scary, but Ming did it.

Then we drove home, stopping at a Safeway in Williams.  We went by the pretty creek again.  Ming was talkative, and we had fun.

stupa this morning

Arcosanti tour review

Yesterday we toured Arcosanti, an intentional community construction zone founded by Paolo Soleri, an architect.  We were very excited to go.  It's trying to create an ecocity for 5000 people but only 70 people live there.  Ming grades it an incomplete.

Our tour guide seemed kind of bored.  Maybe he just comes off that way, because he actually shared a lot of info and showed us some cool stuff.  The place is a non-profit but is partially funded by some special bells they make.  Soleri bells.  We got to see how they're made, burnished and patina, using a method called silt-casting.

Almost bought one of the cheapest kind, which is $35.  I thought my aunt would really like one.  Not sure why.  I also almost bought some uniquely beautiful earrings but they were $22, a fair price but more than I wanted to pay.

Instead we bought postcards.  We also ate lunch at their cafe, a buffet for $10.  (The tour was $10 too.)  The food was mostly all vegan and nutritious and good but very humble.  There was a cabbage dish spiced with turmeric and ginger, a black and red lentil dish that was simple but kind of spicy, something they called goulash which was pasta with beans and a red sauce, salad with many salad toppings, bread & butter but there was no bread at the moment I passed through.  Oh and there was kale soup but Ming and I didn't have any.  I put green olive slices and red onion crescents on everything, a weird choice.  And some radish slices and cucumber slices.

I liked the huge arch things.  I liked hearing terms I was unfamiliar with.  I have a reputation for not caring about architecture.  So it was not my usual thing, though I like all things ecological.  So it kind of was my thing.

"What would you like to remember about the tour?" I asked Ming just now.

"That another way is possible," he said.  I giggled.  "Seems to me like another way is impossible."

I wanted to ask some questions, but there was no q & a period.  I wanted to ask...

1.  How community is the intentional community?
2.  Do little animals like to live in the bell clappers?
3.  Why is the music in the cafe "country?"
4.  What happened to the bakery?
and most importantly
5.  Are you immune to needing permits here?

That seemed like the first and most basic question.  But none of the other people asked it, and the other people did ask questions--older white people who seemed to have money and were used to butting in.  Well, they asked about water and power and such.

I remember when our tour guide was explaining this waterfall thing that they almost never run.  He explained how people are happier when we're near running water, that it's good for our mental health and keeps us happy.  Yet the waterfall is almost never running.  Somehow that seemed to typify the place.  It was missing the mark.

I asked Ming if it was a cult of personality and since Soleri died in 2013 the project was doomed to fail.  But they had been there since 1970 and only completed a tiny portion of the vision.  Soleri had this other place called Cosanti where he lived much of the time, coming to Arcosanti for one or two days a week.

"What does it say about the ecocity when its own creator doesn't want to live there?" Ming and I wondered in the car after the tour.

I like visiting intentional communities and seeing how other people do things.  The community aspect was barely touched upon in the tour.  People come and go a lot.

People pay to take workshops there they do all the work.  Seems weird to pay to do work, but other ecoplaces do the same.  After they've completed a workshop, they're free to come and go as they please.  They're supposed to go out to get and share knowledge then come back and improve things, is the idea.

Nice to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017


We were up around 6.  I had a fantastic dream about my dad.  We tried to be quiet so we wouldn't wake up our neighbors.  Now Ming's hiking for three and a half hrs.

Arizona is weird.  As we traveled here, the freeway had huge potholes and 75 miles per hour speed limits.  I was afraid they would damage our car.  Worse, Ming was afraid we'd hit one wrong and be swung around facing the wrong direction.

Yesterday we went to Montezuma Well.  It's alkali and has a lot of arsenic in it.  There are cliff dwellings.  We went on a walk there after talking to a friendly ranger who upset me talking about the well's leeches.

Yesterday also we hiked at Bell Rock.  Oh, I already showed you pictures of that.  And we went to Chapel of the Holy Cross.  People are supposed to be quiet but they were loud.  I lit a candle and prayed for a friend.  I couldn't find the giftshop, but then Ming showed me.  We bought some postcards and medallions and saint things.

When Ming's done hiking we're going to lunch and then probably to Arcosanti, an intentional community made by a famous intentional community guy Paolo Soleri.

Housekeepers are supposed to come this morning.  I think I'm just going to ask for more tea and more shampoo.  They only gave us one little thing of shampoo.  We have a lot of hair.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Sedona is fun

We hiked to Bell Rock.  It was fun.

I saw this heart-shaped cactus pad.  I thought it was a good sign.

Here's a cutie by Bell Rock.

The same cutie.

This is a view from near Chapel of the Holy Cross.


Yesterday we took our time driving from Las Vegas to Sedona.  We stopped a few times.  We had frozen yogurt in Flagstaff, Italian food in Kingman.  It was fun.  It was rainy sometimes.  Ming bought us new windshield wipers at a Walmart in Flagstaff and put on the left one.

Then the sun was going down, and there were all sorts of clouds.  Some were bright pink.  It looked so beautiful, I told Ming that it looked unreal, like a bad painting, like a unicorn was going to jump over a rainbow.  This pic of course does not do it justice.

Then I saw a light glowing to my right as we drove along, and I was like, What the hell is that?  Then I looked up and saw it was the moon reflected in roadside puddles.

So that was magical.  Then we checked in at our fancy hotel.  I'd heard they'd try to sell us a timeshare but we were steadfast, refusing to fill out the raffle ticket for a Visa gift card.  She acted like we were pretty weird, which we are.

At night while I slept Ming went into the hot tub, which doesn't close until 10.  He tells me it was lightly raining.

Monday, January 09, 2017


Today we journey to a new desert.  Ming's gone out to vigil in the rain for some friends who have a drone thing at the courthouse this morning.  Then he picks me up.  Then he has a doctor's appointment.  Then we journey to the new desert.

Sunday, January 08, 2017

friends at a-cafe

new necklaces

Mine and Ming's.


Gmorning, friends.  Last night a-cafe was at Cornish Pasty.  It's kind of dark there, and the music's loud.  Food's good.  Company's better.

I'm cooking for the MLK Day parade afterparty when we get back from our trip.  I'm making beans, rice, and greens.  With toppings.  For 50 people or so.  I'm preparing for that, mentally more than logistically.

Tomorrow we go on our trip.  I need to pack and everything.  I need to call them to learn the check in time.

Oh, I wanted to tell you it kind of snowed yesterday.  It was like hails and then changed to more light little white hails, maybe small snow pellets.  It fell like that for just a little while.  We were happy.

Saturday, January 07, 2017


This day is flying by.  Today I photocopied a new zine.  First I served the hungry.  Then I dried dishes.  Then we had a meeting.

We're going on a trip on Monday.  We're getting ready.  Turns out the hotel we're staying at has bad reviews because it's got this timeshare aspect where they try to get you to watch this presentation that lasts three hours...  And there's a pushy concierge.  At least we're forewarned.  We're polite people.  But maybe we'll need to be rude.

Ming's got a problem with his foot.  He's afraid it's a bone spur.  He's getting an x-ray in a couple weeks.  He has all these medium-alarming health problems lately.

Well, I'm going to bind my zine now to the music of barking neighbor dogs.  Have a good day, friends.

Friday, January 06, 2017

old spanish trail

new years food at the party

experimental soup

I thought we had plenty of onions but we only had one, and it looked fine from the outside but was rotten.  So I'm making broccoli soup without onion for the first time in my life.  I'm hoping it will still be yummy.  I put a small can of tomato sauce in there, which I've never done before either.


Drawing pictures from internet images for a book project with my bestie.  I don't know if they're good enough.  Maybe too cartoonish?

The sun is up.  I dreamt last night of some people getting hung and one didn't die so we were putting him in the ocean...?  For some reason, that was the thing to do.

I've been remembering my dreams almost every night.

I have this little empanada made of silver for a necklace and I want to wear it.  It was in my dream too.

Thursday, January 05, 2017


This morning Ming was solicited by a prostitute.  He was walking from the serving site back to the Worker, and a woman asked him if he wanted to have a good time.

 "No thank you," he said.

"Are you sure?" she asked.  He was sure.


Yesterday we went out to Mexican food.  When we were done eating, Ming noticed a syringe with needle under the table.  He told the waiter, who seemed confused.  I wasn't there.  I was using the bathroom.

"I'm glad we weren't wearing sandals and kicked it!" I told Ming, when he told me what happened.

The newsletter is a lot of work.  I also stamped some homemade cards with a peace stamp for thank you notes for donations.  I made a flock of them and left them sitting out overnight to dry.  I like the green on green.

Wednesday, January 04, 2017


We have NDE's new newsletter all printed up.  Yesterday afternoon we had a small folding party.

Today's been really busy.

I used to lose things all the time.  Now I almost never do.  I think it's a good sign.  Ming said the same's true for him.  He told me when we get old, we'll lose things again.  I think he's insightful.

Tuesday, January 03, 2017


Gmorning.  Still sad.  Got really sad yesterday evening and worked hard to get through till night.  Did some good self-care.

The sun's coming up.  We're almost out of Dr Bronners soap and hope to get unscented this time.

This morning I have a phone date with a friend.  I'll wear a dress and a corsage on my wrist.  Just kidding.

Monday, January 02, 2017

tree need

Yesterday's party exhausted me.  A friend called our attendance a "hit and run" though we stayed an hr and 20 minutes.  I played part of a game, ate some food, worked on a puzzle.  I was doing the sansevieria and some calla lilies.  They were pretty.

I feel sad.  I have a bouquet of reasons.  It's windy today.  I want to be among trees, but we have trees in the courtyard.  Maybe breakfast will help.

Sunday, January 01, 2017

eternal flame

I was reminded of the Eternal Flame at UC Santa Barbara.  Couldn't remember what it was about.

So I looked it up.  Turns out it's for world peace.  I guess it's been malfunctiony and some people want it fixed.

I remember how intrigued by the whole idea I was as a young person.  How could a flame be eternal?  It's on a part of campus I almost never went to.

To have world peace, we need to do a lot more than keep an eternal flame in Goleta, California burning.  But symbols can be powerful.  I like it.

my oatmeal

quick cook steel-cut oats
toasted sliced almonds
ground flax seeds
coconut oil
one raisin