dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Monday, December 31, 2007


I made a new recipe: blueberry-stuffed raspberries. The blueberry tempers the raspberry. Also, they're pretty.


Yesterday the puja was beautiful, and the shrine blessing was too.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

how a cold might interfere

We're sick--trying to decide whether I should go to choir practice anyway and risk sharing my germs with the old people.

Tomorrow is my favorite puja of the year--Holy Mother puja. If I miss that, I'll be sad. Also tomorrow, Swami is blessing the Samiti shrine at P's house, which I also don't want to miss. This cold is bad timing.

The picture is Holy Mother.

Friday, December 28, 2007

movie, cookies

This afternoon I watched the movie Me and You and Everyone We Know by Miranda July. I found it so moving that I cried six times. It's a really good movie. I laughed too.

Also this afternoon I made Mexican wedding cakes with whole wheat flour. They taste pretty delicious, but I undercooked some of them. My oven doesn't heat evenly. Anyway, I tried.

Thursday, December 27, 2007


We had a great time seeing our ranger friend and a good time at the party. There were a lot less people there than I had imagined, and we stayed longer than I thought we would.

At the Davis co-op afterwards I bought some powdered sugar for making Mexican Wedding Cakes, a new experimental version using whole wheat flour. I'll let you know how they turn out.

Christmas was beautiful. My parents are taking care of my nieces for a week, so being around them a lot was challenging for me. There's a reason I'll never be a mother. I need a lot of quiet, and my nieces are anything but. Still, I love them, and it was good to spend time with them and with my parents and to see some extended family at the Christmas Day get-together.

Yesterday before leaving Santa Maria we got to see my old friend A. We waited with him for the cable man to show up. We talked about many topics: our families, ghost hunting, food.

Then we drove home, detouring for Berkeley and an early dinner at the Indian-Pakistani place we like, but my rice was dried out, and I wasn't too impressed, though the rotis were delicious and soft.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007


A merry Christmas was had.

Friday, December 21, 2007


Yesterday I worked at the Vedanta bookstore, and two interesting things happened. Swami came in and gave me some jam he and B had made in the summer. It's apricot plum jam. I felt so happy to receive this gift.

The other interesting thing was a bad thing. Swami bought a book, and he gets a 20% discount, so I needed to figure 20% off $4.95, and I couldn't think of how to do it. I was drawing a blank. It was so embarrassing. Finally I had Swami figure it. I got to hear him muttering under his breath in another language as he calculated. He came up with .99, which is actually what I had come up with, but I hadn't trusted myself. So now Swami thinks I'm an idiot, which I suppose I am, when it comes to calculating percentages under pressure.

This afternoon a good friend is coming to pay us a visit. He's the one who works as a seasonal ranger. We haven't seen him in months, since he left for Colorado.

This evening we're going to a party in Davis. It's a solstice party. Wow, happy solstice. It's the party of my new friend J. I get to meet his wife and kids and housemates and housemates' kids. I'm nervous. I'm bringing blackberries.

Just now I had some of the apricot plum jam on toast, and it's good.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Last night I met a new friend. We went to a Peet's, but he was hungry, so we went to a taqueria, and I watched him eat a chicken burrito. He was very good at eating and talking at the same time. He told me all about his life. I was a good listener but a bad talker, which is often my way.

Tonight choir practice was hellish. P can't sing because of the work that was done on her esophagus, so we were singing alone, and we sound like crap. My voice is as quiet as the squeak of a mouse. So it doesn't matter how well I know the songs because no one can hear me anyway.

The past few days have been excellent mail days, with all the Christmas cards, and some good letters as well.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

rainy Tuesday

Today I'm taking my friend P to the doctor for some nasty procedures, and they're going to drug her up, so she can't drive. I feel really sorry for her and a bit apprehensively curious about how she's going to be on drugs. I hope she's nice.

Trouble sleeping again. I was up an hour in the night and then woke up at 5. Luckily I made myself stay in bed rather than getting up to write. Staying in bed is key. If I had gotten up, it probably would have been more like 2 hour of sleep, and nobody wants that.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I think this is the first time I've seen "evolve" in a weather prediction. This is from yahoo! weather.

"Rain showers early will evolve into a more steady rain overnight."

Sunday, December 16, 2007


My friend C told me that the recipe for sesame seed cookies that she likes is Martha Stewart's.

whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am clean again

This morning I went to worship. For a carol, we sang "Silent Night." This was controversial because yesterday at choir practice, we talked about singing "Go Tell it on the Mountain," but P objected to the phrase "If I were a Christian" in the second verse. She said she's ask Swami about it, and he must have said no. You can't please all the people all the time.

After worship I talked to my friend S for a while. She gave me one of her famous hugs goodbye.

Yesterday in the mail I got a Christmas money check from my Nana. Now I have the wonderful responsibility of thinking about what I would buy if I could buy anything I wanted for twenty dollars and it couldn't be something practical like food. Maybe I could buy special food, like expensive cheese.... We're planning to go to Whole Foods later.

Since SAT scoring ended last night, we have our life back. We took a long walk this morning. I'm listening to the Cure and watching Erik clean house.

Saturday, December 15, 2007


Yesterday in the morning I worked on functionally ill issue three. I liked what I saw there more than I thought I would. I added some stuff. I have about three pages to go and it will be done. It's going to be a smaller size than the others, half as big.

Erik and Laura-Marie Magazine number forty three should be out by the end of January. It includes a long open letter by my Australian anarchist friend Jo, lots of book reviews as always, and some poems. I think it will be a good issue, somewhat different because of the letter by Jo.

Last night I went to a Samiti meeting and my friend P's place. I almost didn't go because I wasn't feeling well emotionally, but I'm glad I did. I like being around those women. I like the chanting. I'm somewhat uncomfortable during the social time afterwards--I don't feel like I really fit in. I'm not good with groups. I stand on the edge of the group and just listen. People try to get me to sit down, but I would rather lean.

I didn't eat any food, but I took some home: blueberry muffins and satsumas. I had a blueberry muffin for breakfast, and it was delicious. In fact, I think it was made from a mix and the mix has artificial flavor in it because it seems unnaturally tasty.

Erik scored until 10 last night and started again at 4 this morning. The project's supposed to be over today, and he's trying to get as many hours as possible. Last night I was feeling manic: I was not in my right mind and did not want to go to bed, but Erik made me go to bed. Once there I had a hard time getting sleepy, but I finally did go to sleep and slept the night, so I everything's okay.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

peace meeting

The carrot-ginger cake turned out delicious as always and moist. The interfaith meeting was pretty interesting. I enjoyed the Jew's presentation as much as last year's. He kept it brief and lit the menorah. I like hearing other languages. He said something in--I assume it was Yiddish?

Swami's presentation was the best. He talked about the sound symbol OM and how it represents Brahman, the absolute, the infinite, higher than the highest, deeper than the deepest depths. He did some peace chants, beautiful in Sanskrit.

Just like last year we made a procession with candles out to the big fountain and set out candles to float in the water there. We were singing a peace song--I can't remember it now, but I have the words at home.... I blog from the Vedanta bookstore this afternoon.

I just finished reading The Appleby House by Sylvia Smith--I liked it. It reminded me of a kids book in its simplicity. I need to write a review for the zine.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007


My walk this morning was colder than usual. A black cat crossed my path. I saw beautiful red leaves.

coaster cuddle

Today is Erik's birthday. He's 33. In the afternoon I'll bake a carrot-ginger cake. In the evening he plans to score SAT, so I'm going to an interfaith meeting. We'll actually celebrate his birthday once SAT scoring is over.

The interfaith meeting I went to last year. It's mostly boring but okay. It's at a Catholic retreat center called Christ the King. These particular kinds of Catholics are Passionists, I think. The men wear all black.

Yesterday I got a present in the mail from my Finn penpal M. She sent me a Finn calendar with beautiful pictures. The other present is some beautiful coasters made of wool through a process called felting. They're excellent as objects, fun to play with and touch. They're green with a strange pattern. I wish my scanner was working and I would scan one. I thought about taking them to bed last night to cuddle with, but I forgot.

I don't know if I've ever owned anything wool before. My sweaters have all been cotton or synthetic.

Monday, December 10, 2007

sesame cookies, MADD

Do you think baking cookies should be done at a certain time of day? I tend to think of it as an afternoon / evening activity, but I baked some sesame cookies this morning. They're not very good. I'd made them once before years ago, back when Erik and I lived in Bishop. I remember liking them more then.

Anyway, halfway through I decided I didn't like them so amended the batter by adding some almond extract and maple syrup. Then I pressed an almond onto each, so we'd know which is which. The almond ones are maybe better. Definitely different. Anyway, my friend C says sesame cookies are her favorite, which is why I wanted to try these again, but my recipe must not be very good....

I got really depressed yesterday but feel better today. Maybe yesterday was so hard because I missed my walk. But I think Sundays tend to be difficult because looking forward to five days alone--it's hard for me, to be alone so much.

I put in an application to volunteer for the local MADD. I want to do office work for them. I think it will be scary at the beginning but hopefully become simple. Scary going to a new place and interacting with new people, I mean. Today I finally heard back from them. They want to know if I'll work with youth, because then they need to do a background check. But I don't want to work with youth.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

pasta salad, church

Today I made pasta salad with whole wheat penne from Trader Joe's. It has garlic, broccoli, and sun dried tomatoes chopped up very fine. It's in olive oil and red wine vinegar with lots of basil and oregano, salt and pepper. It's served with toasted pine nuts sprinkled on top. It's really good if you're in the mood for a vegetarian pasta salad.

Today I had a really nice time at church. Worship was enjoyable as usual. Swami's in New York right now, so Jaya did worship. It's good to hear it in English for a change. We sing a Christmas carol for Jesus every Sunday in December, and today was "Joy to the World." It was fun.

Then the social time afterwards was okay. I talked to R, who I'd seen around a lot but never actually sat down to converse with. A man with dreds who came last week too was talking about a Tibetan Buddhist sand mandala that he saw made last night, and then this afternoon was a ceremony for unmaking it. I wanted to go, but B couldn't go bring me because he had to make lunch for the men of the monastery. So I didn't go. Normally, I would try to go with Erik, but he's scoring 10 hours a day and doesn't have the time.

Then instead of lecture, they played a movie about Sri Sarada Devi. It's recollections of her by people who met her. It's their voices speaking about her with the text of what they're saying on the screen (some of them have strong accents) with pictures of Sri Sarada Devi and some nature scenes with subtle music playing in the background. It's mostly well done, and the content is first rate. I found it moving and not too long for my attention span.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Soy Taco

I bought this Soy Taco meatless taco filling at Whole Foods. It's made by the same people who make Soyrizo, which is soy chorizo, which I love and allow myself to buy occasionally. (Fake meat is expensive.) Last night I decided to make tacos. I found the Soy Taco meatless taco filling kind of dull. It didn't amaze me like the soy chorizo did. I don't think I'll buy it again. I would rather have tacos with just refried beans and onions.

pretend ice cream

Yesterday at Trader Joe's I bought some Double Rainbow Ultra Chocolate Ice Cream for Erik and some Double Rainbow Mango Vanilla Soy Cream for myself. I tried mine last night, and it's good. The mango and vanilla are separate. The mango portion is sorbet-like and very mango-y, almost like eating a frozen mango. The vanilla portion is creamy and very yummy. I love my pretend ice cream.


I finally joined facebook. I think it's fun--there are features I like (the bookshelf function, for example). Importantly, the ads and layouts are way less obnoxious than myspace. Also, I have four hundred something myspace friends (mostly zine connections) but less than ten facebook friends, and it's nice to know them all.

Lately I've been seeking more penpals. For some reason, I've been attracting Australians. My ads state I'm feminist and looking for feminists, so it's nice to get people who want to talk about that. I've made tenuous relationships for five new penpals so far--tenuous because the beginning is a delicate time--I've had tons of penpals who didn't stick with me past the honeymoon stage, or who bailed even before the first letter. So getting five might mean, in the long run, more like two or three. So it's not too many, but I may need to take my ads down.

reason to walk

Here's a study saying that fit, fat old people are more healthy than unfit, thin old people. I'm hoping it's true for younger people too.


Wednesday, December 05, 2007


December seventh through tenth is Amnesty International's Global Write-a-Thon. I pledged 10 letters. I'm writing them early because the seventh through tenth is during a SAT scoring session. It feels good to try to help people who are political prisoners or otherwise imprisoned when they shouldn't be. It also feels good to work against the death penalty.

something weird

This afternoon I was at the park taking a walk, and I decided to use the bathroom. There was a problem. In the women's restroom was a man pissing on the floor. I left.

writing group

Yesterday we had internet connectivity problems that required hours with tech support. But now everything's okay.

This morning's very foggy and nice.

Yesterday I baked peanutbutter oatmeal cookies. They're Erik's favorite.

Last night I went to bed at 6:30 on accident. I was really cold, so I got into bed under the covers, and I couldn't stay awake. I was up for a minute at 8:30 (taking pills) then slept the whole night except for the Kitty waking us up.

I got invited to join a women's writing group by my acquaintance H. It's kind of exciting. I need more of a social life--also, I love writing. So I think this will be perfect for me. Today I posted my life story to their myspace group forum. It's actually a good overview of my life. I think I should go harvest it to give new penpals or something.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007


This morning when I went to check the mail, I saw taped to the window of an apartment just down the way an eviction notice. I found it chilling.

Monday, December 03, 2007

harmonium, penis movie, Chinese breakfast

Yesterday in the morning I played harmonium for the first time during worship. I did really well despite being so nervous that I almost started to cry. Afterwards, friends praised me, and my friend P hugged and kissed me and told me that it was great. So I'm happy I got my first time over with, though I know I'll be nearly as nervous other times.

Yesterday was Girl Movie Night, the meeting of a feminist movie group here in Sacramento, and we saw Private Dicks, a documentary of men talking about their penises. It was fun. I missed the afterward-discussion, unfortunately, because I asked Erik to pick me up at a time that was too early. (I don't drive in Midtown.)

Saturday I was supposed to eat Dim Sum with my friend K, but the place doesn't serve Dim Sum anymore, so instead we had Chinese breakfast. It was supposed to be just me and K, but four of her friends showed up, so it was a group of six, and I was nervous / uncomfortable, but it was neat to be around people, and afterward we went to Beer's Book across the street for a little book shopping. I bought some postcards and a fifty cent Dover book of Celtic fairy tales which Erik is reading out loud to me.