dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Thursday, April 29, 2010


Today I researched cashews. Did you know they're from Brazil? I always thought they were from India. They didn't get to India until 1560.


me: Crackers?
Erik: That sounds dangerous.
me: Snacks are dangerous! That's the nature of snacks!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Today was another fantastic mail day. I got a letter from my loved one in Australia as well as a mix tape cd from her that I haven't listened to yet. I feel understood and known. I also got a letter from another dear one and she sent Dreams of Donuts 9 as well as dork book 15 and 16. Uncharacteristically, I read them immediately, and they're great. Unfortunately, I am too burnt out to tell you more--maybe damarrow.


Like a dove at a goofy wedding, I've been released from North Carolina! Hopefully I'll be off until the 6th when SAT starts. Erik's working outside the home today and yesterday. I'm seeing P this afternoon.

It rained a lot yesterday, but we went for a walk in the late afternoon. The roses are blooming like crazy. Today it might rain too.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

ynfytyn, zine symp, penpal letter

I got this fantastic mail today--issue 5, 7, and 12 of ynfytyn.

And a Portland zine symp postcard from K in Portland.

And while I'm scanning everything, a letter from one of my dearest penpals. I had a lot of trouble with her handwriting for the first year or so.

Monday, April 26, 2010


Leaf blowers, chainsaws, hedge trimmers, and most motorcycles are all things I need to get away from when they're making sounds. Today I was at the park and a worker had a very loud edger. He was coming nearer, so I got up and moved to a different part of the park to finish the letter I was writing. Just now the weekly yard workers were here. It doesn't last long.

Today it's quite warm. It's been getting up to 80 in the apartment. We haven't used the air yet this year. I wore shorts yesterday. But tomorrow it's supposed to rain.

My ex bestie M was supposed to come see me today, but she called yesterday to cancel because she had car trouble that got solved but prevented her from doing other stuff she was supposed to do. Anyway, next week.

cornbread, bassoon

Yesterday I baked vegan cornbread. I hadn't made it for a long time. It's made with maple syrup. It's sweet but very good.

Today Erik suggested that I write an essay about the six years I played bassoon, so I did. I even illustrated it with super-cute old fashioned looking clip art, something I never do. I'm planning to put it in Erik and LM Magazine 47, which I'm almost ready to photocopy. Hopefully North Carolina will end by next week and I'll be able to make copies before SAT starts.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

unraveling the biopsychiatric knot


This essay was written by the good friend of my good friend. I find it delicious food for thought.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

we wild flowers

A new friend sent me this link to her blog.


vegan banana walnut cookies

I decided to try a new cookie recipe today. It's a recipe for vegan banana pecan cookies, but I used walnuts. I googled around for it and couldn't find a link--I probably got it from a livejournal community.

banana pecan cookies

1 overripe banana, mashed up with a fork
1/3 cup canola oil
2/3 cup brown sugar

2 cups rolled oats
2/3 cup white whole wheat flour
1/3 tsp baking soda
pinch of salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 cup chopped nuts

Preheat oven to 350F.

Mash banana, add the oil, and the brown sugar--mix well. Add the rest, then fold in the nuts.

Bake for 12 to 14 minutes.


Maybe you'll read this recipe and think, "Well, these sound boring." Well, they are not boring! The brown sugar does the trick.

"How many of these can I eat?" Erik asked. They're a hit!


When we were at my parents' house my mom handed me something to open, and it was really hard to open. I ended up hurting my finger--the nail bent, and it made a white line. "Fuck!" I said, and my dad was sitting right there. I don't think he had ever heard me say that before. He just laughed.

beautiful soup

The soup turned out delicious. Gingerier than I expected, and not as hot-spicy as I expected, but very good. Erik loves it.

I substituted veggie broth for chicken broth and left out the lime, but I did everything else the same as this recipe. I think. Oh, I left out the toasted coconut too.


Friday, April 23, 2010


I've had a butternut squash for, uh, months. Boy is it a pain to cut those things in half. So I decided to finally make the thing I bought it for--vegan Thai curry butternut squash soup. It's going very well. Right now the roasted butternut squash is cooling so I can scoop the squash out of its skin and put it in the pot where everything's already made and waiting. Then I will simmer them together for 15 minutes. And I need my hand blender to blend everything up. I don't have the lime leaves or lime juice, so I'm not going very strictly with the recipe, but I think it will be good anyway.

Thursday, April 22, 2010


Today I worked really hard on my review of Verve of Verge. I inserted quotes. I am not satisfied with what I've written, but I think it's almost time to let it go. I think tomorrow will be the last day I work on it.

Today we went for a neighborhood walk. My left leg cramped up like it's been doing lately. I had this problem before, but I thought it was gone forever. I'm a frayed knot.


Today Kitty barfed on my desk. It could have been way worse. I was in the kitchen. I have a neck ache. I made brown rice with asparagus for lunch and put a carrot in with the rice--good idea. I love carrots but used to not like them cooked but am changing. Got a sweet postcard from a friend--she said she loves me. I feel bolstered.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Last night I finished reading the book my friend H loaned me, not simple. It's very good. It was my first manga.

more more

Last night I interviewed Erik about Verve of Verge to get some input from him about the play to help me with my review.

Erik's working a lot, and I'm sad. It's raining again.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

more rain

Somehow putting the cookies in the freezer doesn't keep me from eating them. Today we went to our favorite park, and I walked a little. Then it was raining, but Erik kept running anyway. I wrote in my journal and ate walnuts and almonds. Now there are huge dark clouds and a neighbor speaking outside.

rainy morning

Woke up to rain this morning. We're going through the house phone answering machine messages to delete everything--the memory got full. We're up to message 28. Today I start training on North Carolina. Last night I didn't get done the things I wanted to. Erik started proofreading Erik and LM Magazine 47 by reading it out loud to me, but I fell asleep.

My mom and I baked cookies Sunday night, but I've been eating way too many of them and asked Erik to put them in the freezer. They're peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip, the recipe from an Amish devotional book Mom has.

The yard workers are here to mow the lawn and leaf blow though it's raining steadily and always before they came in the afternoon.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Verve of Verge

The play last night was fantastic. It was moving and amazing to be witness to the culmination of so much of my best friend Ellen Redbird's work. And the script is excllent, and the actors handled it so well. I was incredibly impressed.

I'm working on a review, and it's difficult because I've reviewed plenty of books and zines but never a play. I haven't even read any play reviews, so it's challenging me. I want to write it out and then read some play reviews and maybe edit it to be more like those. My goal is to write honestly about my viewing exprience and produce some words that Ellen Redbird can use when she needs something quote.

This morning we had blueberry pancakes for breakfast. Yesterday we bought a half flat of fresh strawberries from a strawberry stand. Also yesterday we were invited by the neighbors to come over to their backyard and pick oranges from their tree. There are just too many oranges for them, and they had pruned it. We picked a laundry basket full.

So last night I gave some oranges to S, my old friend who drove us to Goleta for the play. We got to spend time with his girlfriend J, and she seems like a really special person. On the way home we heard them discussing very technical machinery, and I remarked, "You're the same kind of geek, aren't you?" I think they're a great match.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

out of town

This weekend we're out of town. My parents' dog had surgery, so she has a plastic cone around her neck so she won't pull out her stitches. I've eaten Easter candy. Tonight is the play. I'm excited because I haven't been to a play in 10 years, and it's my best friend's play--she wrote it and directed it. We've been waiting a long time. Now we're going out to breakfast after much debate. I will post again later or tomorrow.

Friday, April 16, 2010


The white roses by the divorce lawyers have been blooming for some time now, but the jasmine by the catholic church is blooming now too.

from a walk a few days ago

M: There's some Canadian geese.
P: Look at the ducks.
me: Those are geese.
P: Oh, they're geese.
M: There are geese and ducks.

Before this we'd seen a wild turkey and M did a special turkey call on it, and it started talking back. "It relaxes them," M said.

"How did you learn to speak turkey?" I asked. He said he learned it by watching a hunting show.

P has trouble with her legs and is 74 years old. She had to take a rest. She sat on a curb.

Then she needed to take another rest sitting on another curb. A ranger drove by in his truck and stopped to ask, "Is everything all right?"

M said, "She just needs a rest."

Then she was feeling weaker and weaker, and we found her a mossy rock to sit on. "Maybe you'll need to go get your car and pick me up," she joked.

"Do you want me to?" I asked.

"Would you?" she asked.

So I went ahead by myself and got the car--M stayed with P. P is his mom.

When I pulled up and they got into my car, M immediately noticed the picture of Ganesha. He told me he used to dream of Ganesha all the time, and then P showed him a picture of Ganesha in a book.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

poem mania

Today I wrote four new poems in the suicide series. I really like two of them for their good heartedness. One needs work. Another seems done but might be annoying. I need to set them aside, and it's good to have something.

the chili

Erik says the chili is his favorite food. "How hard is it to make this?" he asks. I think of counter-examples. "The malai kofta at Laxmi," I say. "Okay, but healthful," he says.

pretty incredible mail day

Today for the first time someone sent me food in the mail in trade for zines--it's amazingly tasty homemade granola and homemade blueberry jam! I'm on my second bowl of the granola--it's dense and delicious, fruity. I don't really have appropriate bread with which to try the jam, but I will get some appropriate bread soon.

I sent her the complete set of functionally ill as well as ELM 46.

I also received two zines from Sarah May in Reno--loose lips sink ships about everyone she's kissed and SEX which I can't wait to read.

I'm making vegan black bean sweet potato chili and have been all afternoon--the beans are completely falling apart. Chili will make Erik happy when he comes home from scoring CBEST. I accidentally burned my finger while stirring the simmering chili, but it's feeling better already.

Tonight--writing and fun with my dear H. I made her a new CD: Ghost Mice, This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb, Innocence Mission, Neutral Milk Hotel, Joanna Newsom, Mountain Goats, Of Montreal, and Go Sailor figure prominently. I'm listening to it for the third time today.


I looked on the roof and couldn't see anything the MY TREE kid threw there. There's stuff on the roof, lots of plant matter, but nothing I felt confident about. Maybe it was just a few rocks.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


There is a little person at our complex who is very "strong willed." She's somewhat new, and she is the only blond person around. She's the one who yells "MY TREE!" and other people say, "No, MY tree," and they argue about it in a loud, repetitive fashion. This morning before school she was scream-talking to her mom. Something was bothering her.

Anyway, today she stood outside our door--we're on the second floor--and threw stuff onto the roof of the car shading structure. We heard the satisfying clink as what she threw landed on the metal roof. In a voice full of joy, she said, "I like doing this!" Tomorrow I will look and see what she was throwing.

this evening at Trader Joe's

worker: So, what are you having for dinner tonight?
me: What did you say?
worker: What are you having for dinner tonight?
me: Uh, I kind of already had dinner.
worker: Oh, I don't have dinner until 7.
me: I actually had cream-of-wheat.
worker: Nice.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

from under my rock

Yesterday we finished the taxes. Go us. Today I can send them, if I want.

Erik's trying to work 72 hours this week, and I have to be really independent and resilient, which I'm not feeling one bit. I'm distracting myself with music and working on Erik and Laura-Marie Magazine 47. I keep thinking I'm done and finding something to cut. I had a half-assed intro that I cut, which felt good. I've seen some great intros, but mostly aren't they boring? So I have two more pages, and I think I'll write some more zine reviews. I always have unread zines around. Oh, and I can review the manga I'm reading, not simple.

Even if I finish I have no way to get to the Sacramento copy shop I use.

I'm also trying to comfort myself with thoughts of this weekend, the fun of seeing Ellen Redbird's play Verve of Verge and seeing friends and my parents. Usually when I see my parents, my mom and I sit in the living room and she holds my hand for a long time, which I like.

I've had a headache since last night, but it's not too bad.

And that's my super-exciting life!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A Sidewalk Astronomer

I love this movie because I love John Dobson. He is one of my favorite people because he provides people with an authentic experience, and it's free. I have patterned my life after his, in this way.

Also, he's smart and funny, not afraid to be an idealist, and really loves people. When Erik and I met him in Death Valley, he was so nice to us. He asked us where we lived and invited us to his cosmology class in Hollywood, which we attended though the drive was hard, from Orange County.

The movie starts out with John Dobson on a street corner in San Francisco with a telescope, asking people to see the moon. "Come see the moon!" he says. We see a lot of people walk by and a lot of people engage him. He hands them his flier, which is like a zine. Later in the movie, we see him folding them.

Throughout the movie, we hear him talking. He speaks about religion and his time in the monastery and how he got kicked out. He speaks about how he doesn't believe in the big bang and what he believes instead. We see him in different settings, classroom and cafeteria--we see part of his slide show. He says a sentence Erik and I like to repeat to one another from time to time, "DON'T GO TO VENUS!" Erik and I have seen his slide show a few times.

It's a good movie if you are fixated on John Dobson, and it might be a good movie even if you aren't. But I suspect there's both wheat and chaff. I could just listen to him talk forever. But I can see how people could be annoyed by him. For example, he says in the wikipedia article how he invented the Dobsonian telescope mount because he was "too retarded" to do it another way. Erik finds that disingenuous. I find it funny. I mean, he's an old man. In the movie he tells a really offensive joke, but he's an old man. He was born in 1915.

Maybe it talks about religion too much--I mean, he's not preachy, but he does mention the Exterior Decorator a lot.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

and the magic of thy beauty has bewitched my mind

Today I finally finished watching A Sidewalk Astronomer for the second time. Erik got it to play on my computer, by doing the exact things I tried! John Dobson is a fascinating person and very funny. One night I had a dream that he was lying on the ground. Erik was at his feet asking him questions about physics, and I was at his head, stroking his long white hair.

bel canto

My day so far.

--finished a long letter
--sent mail
--grocery shopped
--made mushrooms on toast

I'm almost done with Erik and Laura-Marie Magazine 47. I decided to make it quarter size this time--haven't done that in a while. Usually I have poems I want more room for, but this issue has few poems, and the poems are small.

Something wonderful has happened. You know that library book I was so worried about? It must have finally arrived at its home library because it's no longer on my account record. So I will not owe $115. I am so happy, but I have a $7 fine I shouldn't have. Today we will go to the library and I will ask for them to take the fine off. Anything more than $5 and you can't check out books, and I have two waiting for me.

One is the newish Audrey Niffenegger book Her Fearful Symmetry--I really liked The Time Traveler's Wife and read it with my mom, which was neat. The other is Bel Canto which my ex best friend M recommended to me when I last saw her two weeks ago. (We talked about books over lunch. She was eating goat!) It doesn't sound at all like my usual read--it's about some terrorists who capture some people and hold them hostage and the relationships that form between the captives and the captivators. Why the heck would I read a book like that? I'm way too 'faidy cat. But she recommended it to me, so I requested it.

Friday, April 09, 2010

K A Polzin cartoons

I really like these cartoons! Especially the Indian girlfriend one.


Thursday, April 08, 2010


Just as Erik starts North Carolina in earnest, I finish Arizona. I should have three weeks off. What will you do with all that time? you may ask. Squander it! I would tell you. Joyful squandering commence.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

the library book

I've been having trouble with a library book. It's a special library book that would cost $115 if it was lost. That's because it's borrowed through a special loan program--a bunch of different library systems have networked.

Anyway, I returned it, but the worker screwed up and didn't check it in right, and I didn't get a receipt, so I'm out of luck. All I can do is wait and see if it gets to its home library, and when that happens, we will be in good shape.

It's been a week, so I thought it would be arrived home by now, but the worker told me it might take two weeks. So I will try again in a week. Meanwhile, I wrote a letter describing the situation in detail, and I think I'll send it to Central.

Today we went to lunch to celebrate Erik's last day of freedom for a while--tomorrow he'll start scoring North Carolina, and it's supposed to last weeks and weeks. We went to my favorite place to get falafel. The owner seems to be the nicest person in Sacramento. He has a smile that's warmer than the sun's. His wife's awfully nice too.*

Here at home there's a guy with a drill and a big old hammer pounding the metal roof over the car shelter. I don't think I can score Arizona. Also, there's a terrible fight--a woman is screaming at a man with homicidal rage, and the man's pretty angry too. "Get out of my house!" she yelled. And there was some high-decibel discussion of whether the other was a good person.

Erik's going to do the taxes. He's making a paper mess on the living room floor. I'm hoping this guy will finish the car shelter roof soon.

Oh, I got some fantastic mail. It was a heartfelt letter and Map of Fog II. Marcos really liked functionally ill 4, so I'm going to send him the rest.

* I realized this sounds very wrong, like he's obviously the owner just because he's a man, and the woman who is his wife is "just his wife," but the name of the restaurant is Malouff's, and I think that's a man's name, and I've always thought it was him, this warm, smiling guy who wants to talk to everyone.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010


This morning I got furious with my pretend doctor and decided to go for a walk, but I was wearing these substandard socks, and the right one kept slipping down so my bare heel was rubbing on my shoe in a way that hurt. So I didn't walk long. That pissed me off too.

Then in the day I scored that project I'm scoring right now, and I made a CD for a friend, and then P called and wanted me to help her at my place of worship, so I went at 6, and I used the folding machine to fold bulletins, and I stuffed envelopes and sealed them with purple gluestick glue.

I was kind of delirious with mental and emotional exhaustion. But I got to see Swami. He was wearing his pale blue belt that B got at the dollar store. I hate those belts B got at the dollar store! Later he foisted prasad upon me, which was fine. Kind of stale, actually. P wanted me to walk with her, but I wanted to go home.

Tonight Erik's out at a poetry workshop. I had extra-tasty toast.

Monday, April 05, 2010


When I made rice and lentils the other day, I was in a big hurry and didn't go through the lentils. Today Erik was eating some leftovers and found two little rocks!


The dictionary.com word of the day today is grok!

grok \GRAWK\, verb:
To understand, especially in a profound and intimate way. Slang.


Last night I got a phone tree call from P saying the bookstore at my place of worship was broken into the night before. The computer was stolen, records were stolen, jewelery, statuary, some books. It's really sad because it's a sacred place. I worked there for a couple years, Thursday afternoons. So I'm a little attached.

Last night there was thunder and lightning. It was the first time I'd seen / heard it here in quite a while. The storm was very near. And it rained a lot, poured.

This morning it's sunny and the world is clean.

Sunday, April 04, 2010


My bestie's got a play coming up, and I need to see it, but Erik is busy with work, so we're trying to think of how to do it. We thought about me taking the train down, and we researched. Then I thought maybe the bus would be cheaper, but it's actually more, strangely enough. Anyway, the cost of the train would be about the same amount of money Erik would lose by not being able to work, so it doesn't make sense. Still trying to figure out what to do.


Yesterday I baked some vegan banana bread, and I didn't have any walnuts, so I used some slivered almonds I'd had in the freezer for a long time, and it worked great.

Yes, life is exciting here at Chez Erik and Laura-Marie.


We bought some lemon verbena soap, and it smells so good. Washing with it feels luxurious. I used to stockpile soap the way I do stationery, but somehow I quit it. Buying this soap was actually Erik's idea and a good one.

Saturday, April 03, 2010


The website wouldn't tell us how much to pay for a replacement sticker. Erik found something saying $18, but there was a note like we need to call or go in to find out the current cost.

Meanwhile, one of my prescriptions ran out of refills, and getting communication between any pharmacy and the poverty clinic I use is really difficult. I'll call on Monday.

I finished binding all the functionally ill 7 and am working on the second run of functionally ill 6. It's meditative and pleasant.

Friday, April 02, 2010


Someone stole our registration sticker from our license plate. They ripped it all the way down to 2004. We went to the DMV website and found a form to fill out to get a replacement. Now Erik's searching for how much we have to pay.

Thursday, April 01, 2010


Today my bagger at the co op seemed very high, and also he reeked of patchouli oil, which I wouldn't ordinarily mind, but he got the smell of patchouli oil all over my groceries!


Today I saw a little kid riding his bike at the park, and I was surprised there were no training wheels. He was a really little kid considering the lack of training wheels.

I looked for the small crow from a few days ago, but I didn't see it.