dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Monday, April 30, 2007

more of the same

Today I gardened with P again. I dug up privets, and we pulled some weeds. When I got tired, I just sat and talked with P while she continued to work. Two mosquitoes bit me on my chin this time.

A long time ago, Erik told me not to listen to Casimir Polaski Day because I would cry too much, but I listened to it just now and didn't cry at all. In my mind I had made it so much more explicit about suffering than it actually is.

guide to film making

Sunday, April 29, 2007

retreat report

The retreat yesterday was both exhausting and inspiring. I just don't have the stamina to sit through such a long program, even with the music as a break. My brain is full after an hour. Still, I'm glad I went, and it's interesting to remember. Going on a trip is bonding, and I feel closer to the three other women who were in my car. The place is secluded, yet with so many people around, I felt safe. There were about 150 people total--eight from our center, and many from the Berkeley and San Francisco centers. I liked seeing my swami happy with the other swamis and having a good time somewhere other than home.

It was a beautiful, empty location with a clearing and oak trees and distant hills green with more oak trees. It was hot yesterday, the kind of heat that drains energy and makes everyone sleepy. Today I'm still dehydrated and drinking. It was a three hour drive one way.

Today I have normal Sunday stuff, but vespers was canceled on account of the trip. I probably wouldn't have gone. I made Erik rice and lentils for breakfast.


Friday, April 27, 2007

dinner, a day trip

Today is hot--the high is 88. I've written four letters to penpals / friends and made rice and lentils for dinner, a particular recipe we haven't had in ages, but I just got some red lentils at the co-op this week, the same day Erik bought pure chili power for his own recipe of super-authentic Mezo-American hot chocolate.

Tomorrow I'm going to a Vedanta retreat at the Shanti Ashrama, a place I have never been. I'm needed as a voice in the choir. It's a day trip, and I hope to remember everything: sunscreen, sandwich, apple, music.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

beep beep beep beep beep

Today I gardened with my friend P at Vedanta. We were ripping out privets and bedstraw. The privets are little trees, some bigger than others, and I was using the shovel to get out the bigger ones. It's hard work, and I couldn't stay very long.

This afternoon I went to my mental health clinic to ask them to fax my latest prescription to the pharmacy so I wouldn't have to go stand in line to drop it off. Well, if I can manage to drive there, Erik won't need to take a day off work for picking the prescription up.

Construction continues at the Bingo Center. A truck is rumbling around and backing up often.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007


Today I finished that editing job. I'm glad it's over and done with, though I did enjoy it. I got a promise today from the friend who wrote the book that I would see him again before he leaves for a ranger job.

This morning I pulled weeds for only an hour but was exhausted by it--low energy day. We were taking care of the Shiva mound, a place we love. It smells of garlic, from some garlic / onion plants that grow there, and the sound is of roosters crowing and a dog that likes to bark on the other side of the berm. Mosquitoes bit my forehead and elbows. My friend and I talked in our quiet way as we weeded.

review yesterday

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

the orient

Today I went to an orientation at my mental health place. I feel much more oriented. I'm glad I worked up the courage to go.

the talk on tourism in Goa, India

Last night we went to a talk at the Marxist school, and it wasn't any good. The speaker was reading from a paper most of the time, some high school kids behind us were whispering most of the time, and it was difficult to follow the ideas. So I left early for the car. Erik enjoyed it more than I did--he can tune out room noise, and I think he's less uncomfortable on the folding chairs.

It wasn't so good, but it was nice to get out and be among people for an hour.

Now I'm eating spinach and egg burritos, planning a tape for my friend MM, and I'll go to the garden today.

Monday, April 23, 2007

problem solved

All by itself, as it were. (Boy, I hate when people say "as it were.")

computer problem

My computer's having a problem where I can't get into my start menu. I mouse over that start button, and there's an hourglass always. If I mouse anywhere on the taskbar, I get that damn hourglass. It's unfortunate because I can't access the zines I'm working on or music. The last thing I did was a windows media update, which must be the reason.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

mostly food

Erik's almost done with his project of taking apart the photocopy machine in order to put it piece by piece into the dumpster.

It rained in the morning. We went to the big farmers' market under the freeway. We got asparagus, green onions, pink lady apples, a cabbage, a small head of broccoli.

This afternoon I was craving fake meat again and got some pretend salami for sandwiches.

I only let myself sleep 9 hours last night (I was getting 10), which might be better for my moods.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

special blessing

We went to St Francis of Assisi Catholic Church on a whim--I was in the mood for a big cathedral--their 5:15 mass. By chance my friend S who is Catholic but also does Vedanta was a communion-giver today. It was her once a month. So Erik and I went up to her with arms crossed across our chests to receive a blessing. I was absolutely tickled and still am.

the one on Cottage

We like going to the park at unpopular times. We watched an egret hunting in the water.

Friday, April 20, 2007

three unrelated facts of the day

1. I taped a note to my stapler. It says, "Repetition makes people crazy."

2. I have six different email accounts, three that I use regularly.

3. Sometimes I have a hard time starting a new book because it seems like such a big commitment.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

a visit and more

A week of bad depression ended last night, so I feel much better. Today P came over to pick up something I edited for him. We laughed about little things. I looked at his hands while he talked. He opened a box from his future employer Mesa Verde--it was full of books that he's supposed to read before he comes to ranger.

Then I went to the post office to send something to Australia and buy stamps, but I got all derailed when the worker told me how rates are going up, and I bought the wrong kind of stamps in my distraction / dismay.

Then I went to the bank for quarters, and nothing special happened there. I still am too dumb to correctly fill out a deposit form when there's also a withdrawal. (Wow, I had no idea withdrawal had that extra "a" toward the end.) Supposed to rain today, but it doesn't look like rain.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

political nightmare

We crashed our car into a helicopter that was trying to land on the road. Then we got interrogated and captured by evil soldiers who thought we were spies. They were interrogating us in a language we couldn't understand. Then they beat and tortured us (the torture took place off-camera) and held us prisoner. They enjoyed hurting us. At the end, someone came around doing a form and found we were being held without cause, and we were let free, but we didn't know where to go. Many other people were let free at the same time, and none of us knew where to go.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

yahoo is the new myspace

When it comes to horrible ads that make me want to leave the room, yahoo is the new myspace.

I will be transferring all my correspondence over to my gmail account slowly but surely.

Erik and I are both better from our colds. I gardened today at Vedanta, which consisted of pulling weeds. My fingertips are sore. P and I spoke of the upcoming retreat at Shanti Ashrama.

That will be all.


Sunday, April 15, 2007

strong feelings

Today I worked my little shift at the Vedanta bookstore in the afternoon. I did some work in Excel. It had to do with book inventory. I didn't have any customers, which is fine--I straightened up the store while listening to a special CD I made weeks ago with some Christian and then Hindu songs on it (Sufjan Stevens, The Innocence Mission, Wah!, and various). I called Erik and chatted with him.

Tonight he finally wrote a letter back to his ex-best friend B who wrote to him after years of being out of touch, so that's happy.

I was too exhausted to go to vespers this evening and went to bed instead. I've been sleeping an incredible lot, with fitful dreams about strong feelings.


the asparagus was on impulse--the others were planned

This morning we went to the big farmers' market under the freeway downtown. We hadn't been in months. We bought cabbage, asparagus, and pink lady apples. I ate an apple already, and it was good.

I went to worship this morning, not sure if I should, and I was early on accident because I had over-estimated how long it would take me to send some things at the post office beforehand. So that was kind of torture, being so early. Then the service, which I missed last week, was very nice. I sang okay despite still being sick, and I think I got some spiritual sustenance.

I thought sustenance was "sustain-ance." Trip out.

Anyway, Erik half took apart the photocopy machine so that he could get it downstairs and into the dumpster by himself, and that's working well, but I got scared that the dumpster would be too heavy, and we would somehow get into trouble, so the plan is that he'll finish next weekend.

I've been painfully depressed, and Erik says it's just the cold, but this much depression scares me. Erik says, "You won't always feel like this," but it's hard to believe.


Saturday, April 14, 2007

another of Erik's photos

, originally uploaded by ELund.

This was taken at one of those ranches at Pt Reyes. Stunning, isn't it?

are these called pilings?

, originally uploaded by ELund.

This was at the bird refuge, a picture I asked for and he took.

birds and plants

It's raining. We went to a bird refuge by Davis and looked at birds. It was fun. We also looked at plants. There was mustard, radish, chamomile, vetch, and a big grain that turns red like amaranth.

As for birds, we saw red-winged blackbirds, regular blackbirds, starlings, egrets, a great blue heron, cormorants, ducks, coots, something I think was yellow-headed blackbirds, and something unknown (it had a body sort of like a big egret, but its coloring was browns).

It was fun to drive around in the rain. Then we tried to go to Davis to look around and buy some needed things at their co-op, but Davis was having some kind of huge Event. Many of the streets were closed, and we struggled for a while then gave up. I should try to look up what the heck was going on there.

Hmm, all I can find is that it's picnic day.

Friday, April 13, 2007

theme song

My theme song right now is "Sister Winter" by Sufjan Stevens, though of course it isn't winter.

Now I'm making lentils with lots of onions.

not banana bread

I couldn't find the vanilla, so I put almond extract in the banana bread instead. It turned out very different but very good.

sir sleeps a lot

Yesterday I had a severe craving for fake lunch meat, so we went to Whole Foods and got some, along with bread. Then we came home and went to bed even though it was only 7. The neighbor was playing music loudly, but we didn't care. We let the bass lull us. Still sick.

The promise was broken: the fax wasn't faxed. So we won't know the results of the blood test until my next appointment, which is June 14th. I'm not a squeaky wheel.

Anyway, taxes are done at least. I photocopied forms and mailed them yesterday with extra postage for good measure. Since we work for so many different companies, there are lots of little papers. Erik says they're W-2s. I'm banned from doing taxes since the year I messed up, which is fine with me if it's fine with him.

Today Erik can sit and write with a fresh morning mind rather than giving his morning mind to an ungrateful company, which we have discussed before.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

I was interviewed--please go read it.

I was interviewed by Fire House Zine.

Please go read it and learn all about me!


Tuesday, April 10, 2007

ordinary day

I'm two hours into the ghost editing, and it's going well, but I'm having a hard time physically. I want to go to a particular library where I feel really comfortable with the height of the tables and chairs.

It only took two pokes this morning, and three vials of my blood were taken for tests. Thursday the doctor will tell me what the tests found out, as long as promised faxes are faxed.

Erik's starting taxes this evening. He just threw everything into the middle of the livingroom floor. "Threw" being the key term there.

Monday, April 09, 2007

tomato rice is super-nice

Today I did medical stuff all day. I also saw a friend and drank iced hibiscus tea at the occasion. Now I'm eating tomato rice with avocado and listening to Sufjan Stevens while Erik is at the zendo. Firefox doesn't know what a zendo is.

Tomorrow I'm getting blood drawn in the morning, fasting, which is one of my least-favorite things to do ever. I also get to see a friend and receive a draft of the book I'm ghost-editing. Thursday I see the doctor. I've been anxious and jumpy more than usual.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

hearing voices

Some interesting facts about hearing voices. Like 3% of the population does.


Saturday, April 07, 2007

activities to create a day

Today I wrote a bunch more letters, talked on the phone with two interesting men (one for the first time--an eccentric gentleman in Utah who I've been corresponding with for maybe nine months now--we met through a zine's penpal ads), went to the library, went to the post office, and put some photos into a big freecycle photo album from the 70s. Just now I made Erik something nice to put on his crackers, and he's been reading War and Peace off and on all day. He's in love with Tolstoy, and I remember that feeling from ten years ago reading Anna Karenina.



Here's a link to Erik's favorite restaurant. Feel free to buy him a $50 gift certificate.


at the co-op a few days ago

I notice the $2.95 sticker on the checker's apron.

me: I see you're not very expensive.

checker: That's $2.95 per gram!

me: *giggling throughout the rest of the transaction*

quite sick

I was quite sick. There were days of darkness. Now I'm feeling a lot better. That cold struck like lightning.

Yesterday I wrote five letters to neglected penpals and talked to my special someone on the phone about movies and sea animals. It was fun. We also ran a couple errands in the afternoon, and I got a little sun on myself. We splurged and bought the two dollar headphones rather than the one dollar headphones. Today I'm not well enough to go to choir practice, so who knows what the day may hold.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


A lot of fowl live over there by Vedanta. I think this particular chicken was just struck by the crossing-the-street mood. Maybe he thought some better bugs to eat were over there, or maybe he needed to keep an eye on some hens. I didn't feel like investigating--I just kept driving. Personally, I find chickens to be pretty dumb, and thinking about their motives might not be the most rewarding activity.

As for the one who startled me, I don't think it was intentional, but I don't really know much about the timing of rooster crows. I'm just sure it isn't always at dawn.

Another strange chicken activity I saw recently--day before yesterday?--was a chicken frolicking with a rabbit. It was a white, pet rabbit. They looked so Easter-ish together.

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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

chicken report

Driving home from choir practice, I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting a rooster that was crossing the road. Then a few seconds later I was startled by another rooster crowing in a tree. That is all.


Tuesday, April 03, 2007


"Roborant" means strength-giving, something I always wish to be.

new word

Yesterday I used the word "throughput" in a sentence. (It was in reference to a lane.)

used to believe

The funniest from the latest "I used to believe" newsletter

When I was young my mom would wash my hair during bathtime and she would sing "I'm gonna wash that man right out of your hair". For years I was convinced I had a man living in my hair who would get washed away during bathtime, but kept coming back.

Sunday, April 01, 2007


At my parents' house, visiting. I've been sleeping just fine. I saw my special someone this morning. She is fabulous. Right now Erik's drinking darjeeling in the back bedroom and reading War and Peace, which I refer to as Warren Peace, of course. Everyone else is in the backyard. We had a BBQ.

comparison in the pool

J: Take off your glasses.

D: Take off your eyes.

J: I can't see your eyes! Take off your glasses!

D: I can't see your face. Take off your nose.