dangerous compassions

I call you / from the comet's cradle

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

kittens are the opiate of the masses

I'm at a starbux in Sacramento near where I used to live, but I never much came here. 

Ming is getting a car wash and Iraqi bread.  The windshield was getting hard for him to see through.  I have some special bumper stickers I want to apply on the minivan.  I've accumulated them for a long time.

I feel like I'm moving at a strange speed.  Very slow or very fast.  Nearly stopped or full-speed.

Not sure what's the anemia, sleep deprivation, middle age, standard craziness, med error, mood stuff, some unknown health issue that should be worrying me.  It's confusing. 

There's tired, really tired, so tired I think I will slip into another dimension, fall over tired, faint tired, look around to see a good landing place in case I really faint this time tired.  You gotta be kidding me tired.  No one knows what I mean when I say I'm tired tired.

I love Earth and it will always be my planet, but I find myself lately wishing there were other options.  I thought backpacking would be a way to mostly escape the things that are most driving me crazy--advertising, interpersonal bs, everyday cruelty, bureaucracy, capitalism, misunderstandings.  But I don't like to shit in the woods, and probably most of what I don't like about the world, I'm carrying around in my own head.  You can't take a vacation of from yourself.

I guess that's why a lot of people use drugs.  There are lots of different kinds.  Not sure what's real life and what's escapism.  When does something stop being a valid life activity and become a way to numb yourself.  And is numbing yourself really not valid?  Is a certain amount ok?  What's the validity cap on self-medication?  Half hour per day?  And why would involving a doctor and pharmaceutical company make it more ok?  Or tv, alcohol, gambling, movies, kittens.

Lots of questions lately, and they don't seem to be helping.  Some moments this experiment is ok, and other times I'd like to give up.  Love to all the people who are giving up and not giving up.

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

edgy double trilobite Ming and the humid hotel room

We're at a hotel in Morgan Hill, one step up from our usual cheap ass hotel.  The room is small but clean, and the bed is comfy. 

I was up in the night, of course, and I saw a weird spider walking around at 2am--big roundish body like a black widow, but light brown.  Long, thin legs.  It creeped me out.  I was worried it somehow was a black widow missing some pigment. 

Ming tried to catch it.  "Don't let it bite you!" I said.  He flushed it down the toilet.  Sorry, God's creature.

There's no bathroom fan.  The room feels very humid from Ming's long shower. 

We have a full day planned, and I'm worried I'll lose my strength and need a rest but nowhere to retreat to: Hotel breakfast, I go to a library while Ming visits with his mom, picking up books at someone's house in Oakland, lunch at my favorite place, visiting a zine friend at her bakery, then Ming sees one of his kids while I sit at a cafe somewhere, writing.  Then on to Sacramento.

Even on a good day, this would be incredible, but I don't have all my strength.  I asked Ming if he thought I'd still be anemic, five months after being released from the hospital.  He said he thought it'd take three.

"My throat hurts," I said.  "I wine a lot, for someone who doesn't drink."

Ming's going to wear his trilobite necklace with a trilobite teeshirt.  "How edgy!" I said.

"That's how I like to be perceived," he said.  I was giving him fashion advice since he's seeing his relatives and wants to impress them.

Monday, July 15, 2019

feelings of humans and kittens, true love, what's real

My mom and I were driving by the Orthodox church where Ming was visiting for a service and coffee hour.  He wanted to see the icons, since he paints them now.

As Mom and I passed by, my heart ached a little because I wished I could stop by and say hi.  I realized I still have a crush on Ming.

Not sure what a crush is, but I think it's that.  I'm in love with him also.  Being in love seems like something to base your life on, while a crush is an excited feeling that can pass.

The other day I was thinking that being in love is the crush feeling combined with something more centered and more of a mature decisiony profound connected contentedness with someone.   What do you think?  Not sure what it is.  A heart-connection, a sacred trustworthy happy bond that feels important and will hopefully last.

But I know it can change into other things, other kinds of love.  There's also the idea that you could think you were in love and decide afterward it was all false.  You were under a spell because everything wasn't what you thought it was--the feelings were not based on reality.

When I visited my best friend, we watched her baby play.  She asked, "Is there anything special you wanted to talk about?"

I said, "Yeah, I've been wondering lately--what is the self?  Kind of a teenager question, maybe..."  I remember being a teenager, long ago, wrestling with questions like that all the time.

My best therapist told me there is no self--she was some kind of Buddhist.  I experience a self, though. 

I was wondering if my feelings during an extreme state were real.  What's a real feeling, anyway?  What's a feeling at all? 

My bestie said all feelings are real--it's just a matter of what to do with them, whether to use them to guide behavior.  I'm not sure I agree.  I could have a feeling and realize afterward how off-base I had been, and if I was out of my mind, I want to dismiss the feeling.

Growing up I heard a lot of "it's not him--it's the alcohol" and "but I know the real him."  I got in my head the idea that there are real selves and false selves, as well as stuff about responsibility that I don't agree with but heard a lot.

I remember in the third or fourth grade, sitting in class, thinking how my self felt like a glowing ember inside me.  Deep in my chest, glowing red, untouchable and beautiful and good.  Nothing could change it.  I've felt that for a long time.

Ming says the self may be all we see, think, do, experience.   I said that stuff can be random and incidental--the self is way more meaningful.

Today we leave the undisclosed location and head north to other lands.

There have been times in my life when I needed a small world to keep me safe.  On campus at UCSB, I didn't walk around everywhere--the few places I went were enough.  College of Creative Studies, the secret smoking spot nearby, the art building where I liked to eat my lunch, the little store in the UCen where I bought candy.  The bus circle--a path from the bus circle to the College of Creative Studies.  Huge part of campus, I never visited. 

My bestie had an art symposium she went to for a while, which was on the other side of campus near the eternal flame.  It was good to go there.  It was like every place I went was so important to me, and I could only let so much in.

Nowadays, the world is much bigger.  I need a big world for my mind to gather what it needs, the ideas and newness--people, food, experiences, so much life to fuel the connections I make and what I write.

Gatito is crying--she wants out of my brother's bedroom and tears at the carpet under the door with her sharp little claws.  She wants a big world with so much room to run and everything to attack, all the birds.

Sunday, July 14, 2019

better

"She doesn't think avocados are food," Mom said.  Gatito was sniffing Mom's breakfast avocado.  "Oh, she licked it."

I thought--Gatito licked my hand also.  "What about you?"  I asked.

"What?"

"Do you think avocados are food?"

"Definitely," Mom answered.

"Not me,"  I said.  "I think they're better than food."  I was slicing a Gilcrease tomato to make tomato toast to go with my avocado toast.

Then Ming came to protect me as I ate.  The kitten has some stealthy attacks.  Earlier she stepped in my yogurt.  But it was mostly just the fruit part on the bottom.  I don't usually eat that anyway.

Saturday, July 13, 2019

fancy lotion, muffin Mom, exotic waffles

We were at a restaurant, and Ming was eating a waffle.  It had a clump of butter on it, and a thing of syrup on the side.  "I wanna try your waffle," I told him. Wow, it was delicious.  "Do you know how old I was when I had my first waffle?"

I'm thinking I was a teenager.  The family of my first husband had a waffle maker.  Waffles were an amazing, exotic thing.  They still seem pretty exotic and extravagant.

A new friend gave me some fancy lotion for Christmas.  It was grapefruit-scented.  The small lotion thing had pretty flowers on it and a black angular lid.  I thought it was too fancy for me and I shouldn't have it or deserve it--I thought I should give it to someone else who could appreciate it better.

Then I changed my mind and loved its grapefruit scent, and it taught me some kind of lesson that I don't need to go bougie but a nice lotion is not wasted on me.  My skin is dry--I live in the desert.  Why not.

That's how I feel about waffles too.  Well, I'm at the beginning stage.  They seem too good for me.

I was working on the new vegan cookzine in the middle of the night, wrote a recipe and the intro, a essay about breakfast, and something about eating while disabled.  Felt good but how could I have this many zines going.  Dang.

Mom was talking about making pancakes.  I said pancakes are waffles' awkward little sister.  But maybe we'll make banana peach muffins.   She's a muffin maker--we'll see.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Gatito, Ming & me, eucalyptus dreams



Gatito vs Ming's phone.



Fun with art.


By the lagoon I never decided about.  Wanted to put a eucalyptus seed and leaf in my pouch, but Mom is allergic.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

library tourism, mental health consulting, lagoon feelings

Ming and I are really into libraries.  I love the one in Boulder, Colorado.  Wow. 

And we went to one in Reno that has a little creek in it and tons of plants.  "How do the books feel about that?" I asked Ming, who didn't know.

Half-forgotten libraries in half-forgotten towns on long road trips.  The one in Bakersfield where I wrote letters while Ming went to a comics convention.

The huge gorgeous one in Salt Lake City I would like to return to.

We went to a fancy, new-seeming library in Arvin.  It opened at 10am, and several of us were in the parking lot waiting for it to open.  The librarian looked at us weird as we went to the kids' part. "Oh, this is the kids' part," I said, and we found the adult part.

They had bookmarks, brochures, and fliers from, hmm, what would you call them.  Suicide prevention, eat more fruit nutrition stuff, something about exercise in Spanish and English.  Glossy non-profits or government agencies who have a budget for printing information / propaganda like that.  I read the fruit one.  I took a suicide prevention bookmark, not sure why.

Some people think I know stuff about mental health since I started a radical mental health collective or two, and they want to consult with me.  That's ok--I think I kind of do know stuff.  I've been working on it.

Don't sacrifice yourself for another person.  They might not know they're drowning and will take you down with them, or almost.  You can't do it alone.  Get a team and take shifts.  Ask for help, tell the truth as much as you can, reach out.  Did something work before, you can try again?  Is there someone you can call who's idealized or could help magically?  What do you need?  Is there anything I can do from here?

"I lived here for four years, more than four years, and never figured out how I felt about this lagoon," I told Ming as we sat on a bench by the art building.  It has a special smell.  I love it / I hate it.  "How many dead bodies do you think are in there?" I asked.

"Five," he said.

"From how long?" I asked.

"Time immemorial," he said. 

"That sounds about right," I said.  I thought about murders, drownings.  When I was a kid, at the beach, I was always afraid of finding a dead body in the kelp.  Well, that's enough for now.

Wednesday, July 10, 2019

fungal activism, Gatito, loss

"I believe eating magic mushrooms might have been what caused apes to become humans," I told Ming.  We were talking about radical mycology.  What is it?

"Oh," Ming said.

"Didn't you ever read Terence McKenna?" I asked.

"No," he said.

"Yeah, like the apes ate magic mushrooms and that helped them get language.  They saw things in a new way."

"Well, why don't we feed mushrooms to apes now?" Ming asked.

"What?" I asked.

"Give mushrooms to apes now, so they turn into humans."

"Go ahead!" I said.  "Something tells me they're not going to like that at the zoo.  Pity the zookeeper!"

We laughed.  "I really don't understand evolution," I said.  "But I guess we could give magic mushrooms to all the animals.  We could get bat-humans, bird-humans.  Horse-humans.  Ugh.  Glad it's not night.  This could give me nightmares."

We were in Tehachapi headed to Steampunk Cafe for breakfast.  "I love mushrooms," I said.  "I could become a fungal activist.  I think it's cool they're their own thing.  A lot of people think they're vegetables."

"A lot of people talk with the mushroom god when they take mushrooms," I said.  "That would be cool," I said.  "I would talk with the mushroom god, or listen to her.  But I'm already crazy enough.  Don't need to be more crazy."

I reminded him I went through a phase of watching Terence McKenna videos on youtube--people had taken clips from interviews and assembled then into hour and a half long things.

"My favorite quote of his is something like, Nature is speaking to us--this is not a metaphor."  I ordered a mushroom provolone omelet.  It was filled with a ton of mushrooms, so delicious.

I don't like personality cults.  I do love people, but worshipping Buddha (who specifically said not to worship him) or Terence McKenna or anyone seems like a painful thing.  I've been there.  Those days are over, I hope.

Gatito was crying her cute little cry in my brother's room, and my mom let her out.  Last night she was attacking my pen, nipping me, and jumped on my back, which scared the crap out of me.  I yelled for Ming to help me, but he was afraid she would dig her claws deeper into me, if he tried to remove her. 

She's so soft, little, and seems impossibly light.  She weighs nothing at all.  Very pretty but overwhelming to me as I was trying to finish an important letter.

I feel skeptical about letting another being into my heart.  Seems inevitable.  I don't want pets for a lot of reasons.  Lately I see death everywhere.  Why do anything.  Loss is destroying me. 

I make friends with people who have kids, and it feels like dangerous territory because I've done it before, losing the friend so losing the kids who I loved just as deeply.

My friend has a four year old who says my name wonderfully.  Other kids don't even try or garble it.  This kid is amazing.  He sees death everywhere too.  Ming said at vacation bible school they were talking about hotels, one day, the kid saw death in every room.  Not sure why--one of their dogs died, but it was a while ago.

Tuesday, July 09, 2019

strobe light

I went to bed and fell asleep nicely.  Then woke up at 1am with pain from my pinched nerve.  It's not so bad like anguish but bad enough that I can't sleep.  When it's worse than this, I do sometimes cry, a combination of pain and frustration.

It's been seven years.  I had no place to live, at the time.  Some would call that homeless, and we did sleep outside a few times, but it was more camping.  Ming's friend's house in Rio Linda was in foreclosure.  We slept there for a week or so on the hardwood floor on yoga mats.  Oops.  That's when it started.

The pain comes and goes, but the numbness in my right arm and hand is constant.  It's in my pinky finger and the right half of my ring finger, a certain nerve, can't remember its name.

The MRI showed the nerves in my neck on both sides are too big for the holes they pass through.  My left one doesn't hurt.  My dad had the same thing.  They told me surgery--I said no way.  I used to take naproxen or ibuprofen--nothing helped.  I tried benadryl to help me sleep through the pain--it just made me really drowsy and in pain.

Lately I feel like we've all been dealt our unique set of health problems that don't necessarily have anything to do with our behaviors.  I'm crazy, have a pinched nerve, and now a stomach ulcer.  I think my anemia from the ulcer will be healed soon.  Ming's crazy, has narcolepsy, and now an eye problem.  It got somewhat better and now seems somewhat worse.

People try so hard to be healthy.  I weigh many pounds, but none of my health problems is caused by the heaviness.  My grandpa had an ulcer also, and he was thin as a rail.  My friend has a pinched nerve like mine, causing pain, and he's skinny also.

A friend has arthritis and degenerative discs and is in a ton of pain, and she's young.  It seems unfair, but then I realized I didn't do anything bad to cause my crazy, pinched nerve, or ulcer.  Ming also didn't behave badly and then get crazy, narcolepsy, and an eye problem as punishment.  People seem to believe if you do the right things, you'll be healthy, but I see lots of evidence to the contrary.

I read about someone exercising on her treadmill and she dropped dead--turns out she had a heart thing no one knew about, something she was born with.  People bewailed the tragedy--she was young and had kids and had worked hard to be healthy.   I feel like people were saying, Oh, how unfair--she was thin!  This shouldn't have happened to her!

People make assumptions about my diet based on my weight--like I go to McDonalds all the time and eat a lot of bacon.  I haven't had bacon since 1993?  My mom used to put it in her rice--she would make enchiladas, beans, and rice for my birthday, and she stopped putting the bacon in, for me.  Thank you, Mama.

The lights in this motel are weird.  I put on my dress and noticed a strobe effect, that the light is actually turning off and on however many times a second.  Who makes lights like that?

Monday, July 08, 2019

better

I almost entirely lost my sense of smell in the hospital.  Now it's almost entirely back.

Sunday, July 07, 2019

twameva

Ming cries when he hears my outgoing voicemail message, a prayer song.  I asked him why.  He was crying not even knowing what it means--it's in Sanskrit.  I told him the translation and he cried again.

twameva mataa cha pita twameva.
twameva bandush cha sakha twameva.
twameva vidya dravinam twameva.
twameva sarvam mama deva deva.

Thou art to me, oh Lord, the affectionate mother, 
constantly looking to my well being.
Thou art to me, oh Lord, the compassionate father, 
whose care and counsel always guide and sustain me.
Thou art the faithful friend, 
ever standing by me in trials and temptations.
And the loving companion to share my joys and sufferings.
Thou art my wisdom, my wealth—
nay, thou art my all in all, oh Lord supreme.

Saturday, July 06, 2019

middle age, dune buggy fumes, angular grasshopper, another earthquake

Last night we took our friend to dinner--our friend is moving away.  We went to Chef Kenny's and had an amazing vegan meal.  So many flavors.  It was fun though I was quiet with sleep deprivation.  Waking up at 2:30am unable to go back to sleep is becoming sadly normal for me.

Our friend told us about being designated driver for a rave the night before, but when they tried to drive away, the van wouldn't start.  So the van was still out in the desert.  I offered that Ming and I have AAA, so we could use one of our tows to get the van to our friend's home.

Our friend's dad went out with his brother to try to get the van started with a jump, not trusting that they had already tried that.  When Ming and friend and I got to the location, the dad and uncle had left.  It was north past the speedway.

The sun was going down.  Ming was on the phone with AAA.  The light was beautiful.  I wanted to take a picture but was too shy to ask.  Sunset was glowy.  I felt glad to be out in the desert, living life.

People who like dune buggies were arriving and unloading their dune buggies from trailers.  They played loud music and kicked up dust.

Then I saw a huge grasshopper, big like a lizard.  As our friend moved the grasshopper away to some bushes, I was leaning against our minivan when Ming and I noticed both vans were moving around like crazy.  I thought it was wind at first, but then I realized there was no strong wind.  "Is this another earthquake?" I asked Ming.  My phone started beeping a lot as my mom and a friend in Fresno txted me about feeling the earthquake.

Our friend missed it, walking in the desert, trying to help the huge grasshopper.  That was the third earthquake I'd felt in two days, and Mom said it was a 7.1.  I felt scared.  "What if the earthquakes keep getting coming and getting worse?" I asked, thinking of The Big One, lots of Big Ones, the end of the world.  Ming and our friend seemed not to share my fear.

It got dark.  I was out of water and so tired.  Our friend and Ming used star apps to identify stars.  One near the moon was Regulus, and I remembered Sufjan Stevens has a song mentioning Regulus.  A strange Christmas song.

Finally the tow truck arrived.  Out came two workers, the owner and someone who seemed new and just learning.  The older one explained about three relays on a Honda minivan, and if it's hot a relay can burn out so the different relays don't communicate with one another?  He said he could reset it.  I told him it had happened the night before, and it hadn't been hot.

They worked on the minivan a while, trying to get it started, and some attempts were made--it wouldn't start.  I got impatient after a while and got out of the short bus to ask what was going on.  The owner had convinced our friend to get the minivan towed to his shop for repairs.  It felt odd to me because I didn't want our friend to be taken advantage of--originally they had wanted the minivan towed to their home.

So the arrangements were made.  We drove away.  Then our friend talked to their dad on the phone.   There was a lot of "si, pero Papa..."  Eventually we turned around and our friend told the tow truck driver to take the minivan to our friend's home, not to the shop.  The dad seemed to think like me--don't let the tow truck driver make more money off you.  Our friend is still in that family and it seemed they made money decisions together.

It was past my bedtime when we dropped off our friend.  I wanted to hug, but our friend jumped out and our goodnight was rushed.  Ming was getting too sleepy and drank an energy drink.  I felt we got a lot of points for that adventure.  But our friend is going to Iowa.

I had been thinking for hours about an article I saw on facebook about menopause.  Someone I respect and admire posted it, and so I read it, and I was shocked at how it was TERFy, speaking like all women are the same and have the same experiences and parts, and weird about hormones.  It was saying how women who have menopause become like wise owls who see clearly without the confusion of hormones.

I felt hurt because--hormones are not the enemy.  I feel so tired of women not being trusted for having feelings and hormones and sexual desires.  I felt like they were discrediting the tons of women in the world who have them.

I remember when I was a kid, boys saying a woman couldn't be president because she would push the button and nuke some country while she was "on the rag." They laughed at the ridiculous idea of a woman having power.

When I was a kid, I believed that as a woman I was less rational, and that made me less smart.  I still hear people say, "We need to rely on reason, not feelings."  Even adults are scared of feelings, like feelings have betrayed them.

I think, feelings give us information, and there's nothing wrong or untrustworthy about them.  They can change, but thoughts can too.  People seem to believe thoughts come from a brain, which is ok, and feelings come from the body, which is an unreliable fickle bad thing.

Well, fuck all that.  I'm going to feel all the feelings, and there's nothing wrong with me.

The dune buggies made bad fumes.  I said it seemed dangerous, when it was dark, and the little kids should have light jackets.  I'm not an entrepreneur, but I had a three second fantasy, imagining a light jacket business, keeping dune buggy kids safe.  I was afraid a little kid would be unseen and get run over.

I don't see the appeal.  But a lot is like that.  Most people like movies, tv, games, thrilling stuff like dune buggies.  I guess I'm anti-entertainment, which makes me a stick in the mud.

This morning I was crying about all that and more--women being untrusted, my friend leaving, no hugs, getting old.  I'll have menopause soon.

Aging is a thing most people are blessed to do.  "Inside every 80 year old is an 18 year old wondering what happened."  I'm ok with middle age, but it's new, for me.

Friday, July 05, 2019

earthquake

That earthquake yesterday felt pretty weird. At first the dizzy, uncomfortable feeling reminded me of a health problem.  Afterward, I was tripped out by the power of Mother Earth.  I felt I'd had a spiritual experience but kind of unwanted.

Now we're at the Goddess Temple.  My mind wants to sleep but pain from my pinched nerve keeps me up. I promised my friend I would come up with an idea for a special fundraiser zine she can publish to support an organization that helps immigrant families.  That was my fourth of July task to help my country.

At the cafe this morning, the worker wished me a happy Independence Day.  I replied, "Happy Interdependence Day." I had friends boycotting the holiday because of the US's behavior.  I never celebrate the holiday because I hate explosions and patriotism seems like a sad pretending

"There's no flag big enough to cover the shame of killing innocent people."

Wednesday, July 03, 2019

comfort


We went to Amena for lunch.  I was having a bad day and needed something.  This is my veggie combo, so delicious.  Bread comfort, amazing tahini sauce, wonderful falafel nuggets.  The mint lemonade is a sweet treat also.

We did a zine photo shoot.  Ming was on the bench by the back house and Catastrophe came up to him and started rubbing on him.  "It's touching me!  The cat's touching me!" Ming said, freaking out.  OCD is a bummer.  I laughed and kept taking pictures.


Sleep deprivation is destroying my memory.  I'll say, "Hey, Ming."  He says, "What?"  By then I've forgotten what I wanted to say.

There are a lot of things to lose in this world.  I had no idea, how many.  I guess we need to gather our roses while we may.

Tuesday, July 02, 2019

honey toast tragedy, sushi time, lemongrass and lime, orange juice, hugging revival

I had this favorite honey toast place Serenade.  It closed, strangely.  I heard it was closed and went through some stages of grief.  No, it's can't be true!  Why did it close?  We were just there!  It seemed fine!

Then I looked up other places to get honey toast in town.  I read about a sushi place called Hanabi.  It's in Summerlin.  It sounded great.  All you can eat sushi is something we had never tried.  Lunch is $20.99.  I looked at the menu online and there are vegetarian options.

So we went there for lunch yesterday and had all you can eat sushi for the first time.

lettuce salad with sesame dressing--boring, skip
cucumber avocado roll--great
tempura veggies--onion, kabocha squash, zucchini, sweet potato--wonderful
corn with butter and cheese--wow!
mushroom tempura roll--extra yummy
fried tofu roll--nice
honey toast--bread wasn't just made, ok only



I had a great time.  The only unpleasant thing was Ming ordering pike mackerel and me having to see it.  They served the fish with the head on.  It looked like a fish, really.  A long, thin, dead fish.  Yuck.  I told Ming I needed a table partition so I didn't have to look at that fish.

They had tennis playing on the tvs, then a show of sports people talking about tennis.  Luckily, the sound was off.  The waitstaff was good, more attentive at the beginning before it got crowded.  Ming ate a ton of food, roll after roll, two whole fish.  He never had dinner last night.

Next time, I want to try the enoki mushrooms, maybe some noodles, and the green tea cheesecake.  I asked Ming if he had a strategy for next time.  His strategy is "eat everything."

Last night friends came over.  I could have sworn they said Tuesday.  I was lying in bed with my feet up--my ankles have been getting swollen.  Ming popped in to say they were here.  "What??" I said.  "I'll be right there."

We bound zines for two hours.  We talked a lot.  I told them a few stories. They are much younger than us.  Their attitudes, company, and help are a joy.  Their beauty is a joy.

I got six hours of sleep, which seems to be my new max.  I bought some lemongrass essential oil yesterday at Whole Foods, and it smells weird.  There's a smell at the beginning that I don't understand, and then there's a good lemongrass smell.  But the smell at the beginning confuses me.  I don't think I'm going to use it, which is a shame because it's a big bottle.  Let me know if you would like it.

The lime essential oil is wonderful.  I put a few drops of it in a small spray bottle and filled the rest with water and shook it.

"What are you doing?" Ming asked.

"Shaking it," I said.  "You wouldn't know about that.  You always have to be told to shake it."  He's the type of guy who doesn't properly shake his orange juice, and then by the time we get to the bottom, it's thick and weird.

But otherwise, he's ok.  I think I'll keep him.  Lately we've been having the best hugs.  It's like we relearned how to hug each other.  I relax and hold on.  I smile, and I usually say, "That feels good."  Then we hug again.

Monday, July 01, 2019

helpful bag idea

I got into my head the idea of assembling a bag of things to give a homeless person. Other people do this. Like when someone's begging at an intersection with a cardboard sign. 

I was thinking what to put in the bag. I did some brainstorming and crossing things out and finally came up with a good list.

4 wet wipes
hand sanitizer little bottle
toothcare kit
plastic bag
plastic spoons
applesauce
pudding cup
banana
peanut butter mini
soup can with pop top, not condensed
hard candy
water bottle
note with cash

I thought maybe I should have a meat snack, since people like that. I realized jerky would be too hard to chew for a lot of people who have bad teeth. I decided this stuff I have is plenty and I don't want to support the meat industry. I tried to choose soft foods for the people with tooth trouble.

Most of this I can get for free. Banana, wet wipes, and pudding cup are all I need to buy, really. I think I'll put $2 with the note. So it should be pretty inexpensive.  A banana is 19 cents, individually wrapped wet wipes are around 7 cents each, and a pudding cup is 25 cents.

I'll try it out and let you know how it goes.  Maybe for my birthday I can ask for that kind of stuff.  I don't want to store a ton of it--we have too much stuff in our house already.  But I think it's good to try to help.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

farm morning




Such wonderful fruits can grow in the desert.  The apricots were so ripe, we ate them right away off the tree.  The few we bought turned to mush in the bag.  The peaches are delicious to the point of religious experience.  The long plums aren't ready yet.  We found just a few of those trees while wandering the rows.


We saw the honey bees sign then saw the bee boxes, which are my favorite thing.


Bee box selfie for Mom.


"Let's pick four peaches, five tomatoes, and three cucumbers," said on the way there turned into wandering the orchard for an hour, first searching for unadvertised magical green pluots, then eating ripe apricots blushed with red, then marveling at all the beautiful peaches.

As for the tomatoes, I was skilled at seeing a good red one nestled in the greenery.  I was getting too much sun and we skipped the cukes, quitting while we were ahead.

My joke was: "Let's go to the free all-you-can-eat fruit bar--I mean Gilcrease."  I believe you're allowed to munch fruits as you pick.  But I was afraid there was a pluot cam and an alarm would go off. 

Beep, beep!  You have eaten your fifth pluot.  You will now be ejected from the orchard.

Then a big trebuchet robot would gently lift me up and catapult me across the street and into the parking lot.  I would land safely on a deep pile of soft feathers and wake up, asking, "Where am I?" with the perfume of magical green pluot on my breath and pluot skin stuck in my teeth, my fingers sticky with the juice of stone fruits, and farm dust on my feet.

Saturday, June 29, 2019

tassel anxiety

I was reading about Turkish towels.  I hear they're excellent because they're thinner, dry faster, stay cleaner.  Sounds great.

But then I saw the tassels.  I'm anti-tassel.  I think I got that from my mom, who is also anti-tassel.  She makes tons of scarves, and never with tassels or fringe.

True confession: I once ruined a mala by cutting off the tassel.  It fell apart.

I just think tassels distract from the actual thing.  I over-focus on the tassel(s) and it drives me crazy--petting a tassel, untangling its threads, worrying it will clump.  Delicateness of tassels.  I see a lot of goodness in simplicity.  I'm thinking a tassel changes the chi or something.

Oh, but I went through a phase of making bookmarks for a while.  And I actually made tassels for those.  And it was my mom who taught me how.  I think she knows how from doing macrame in the 1970s.

I guess the moral of this story is that life is confusing.

ideas


Friday, June 28, 2019

vegan posole


This is vegan posole with fake chicken option from Veganos.

Thursday, June 27, 2019

bee brooch unseen


I like the way modern cameras can handle a glowy window.  I wanted to photograph my bee brooch in action, but my arms aren't long enough or something.   Then it fell off.  I guess I was asking too much.  I need a stronger brooch.

pretty new tiger wallet

My clear plastic dollar store wallet got a hole on an edge.  Previously I would fix that with gorilla tape.  But it was dirty also, inside, so I switched to this pretty new tiger wallet with vivid orange lining.