retreat report

The retreat yesterday was both exhausting and inspiring. I just don't have the stamina to sit through such a long program, even with the music as a break. My brain is full after an hour. Still, I'm glad I went, and it's interesting to remember. Going on a trip is bonding, and I feel closer to the three other women who were in my car. The place is secluded, yet with so many people around, I felt safe. There were about 150 people total--eight from our center, and many from the Berkeley and San Francisco centers. I liked seeing my swami happy with the other swamis and having a good time somewhere other than home.

It was a beautiful, empty location with a clearing and oak trees and distant hills green with more oak trees. It was hot yesterday, the kind of heat that drains energy and makes everyone sleepy. Today I'm still dehydrated and drinking. It was a three hour drive one way.

Today I have normal Sunday stuff, but vespers was canceled on account of the trip. I probably wouldn't have gone. I made Erik rice and lentils for breakfast.

yahoo is the new myspace

When it comes to horrible ads that make me want to leave the room, yahoo is the new myspace.

I will be transferring all my correspondence over to my gmail account slowly but surely.

Erik and I are both better from our colds. I gardened today at Vedanta, which consisted of pulling weeds. My fingertips are sore. P and I spoke of the upcoming retreat at Shanti Ashrama.

That will be all.

strong feelings

Today I worked my little shift at the Vedanta bookstore in the afternoon. I did some work in Excel. It had to do with book inventory. I didn't have any customers, which is fine--I straightened up the store while listening to a special CD I made weeks ago with some Christian and then Hindu songs on it (Sufjan Stevens, The Innocence Mission, Wah!, and various). I called Erik and chatted with him.

Tonight he finally wrote a letter back to his ex-best friend B who wrote to him after years of being out of touch, so that's happy.

I was too exhausted to go to vespers this evening and went to bed instead. I've been sleeping an incredible lot, with fitful dreams about strong feelings.

the asparagus was on impulse--the others were planned

This morning we went to the big farmers' market under the freeway downtown. We hadn't been in months. We bought cabbage, asparagus, and pink lady apples. I ate an apple already, and it was good.

I went to worship this morning, not sure if I should, and I was early on accident because I had over-estimated how long it would take me to send some things at the post office beforehand. So that was kind of torture, being so early. Then the service, which I missed last week, was very nice. I sang okay despite still being sick, and I think I got some spiritual sustenance.

I thought sustenance was "sustain-ance." Trip out.

Anyway, Erik half took apart the photocopy machine so that he could get it downstairs and into the dumpster by himself, and that's working well, but I got scared that the dumpster would be too heavy, and we would somehow get into trouble, so the plan is that he'll finish next weekend.

I've been painfully depressed, and Erik says it's just the cold, but this much depression scares me. Erik says, "You won't always feel like this," but it's hard to believe.

answer

A lot of fowl live over there by Vedanta. I think this particular chicken was just struck by the crossing-the-street mood. Maybe he thought some better bugs to eat were over there, or maybe he needed to keep an eye on some hens. I didn't feel like investigating--I just kept driving. Personally, I find chickens to be pretty dumb, and thinking about their motives might not be the most rewarding activity.

As for the one who startled me, I don't think it was intentional, but I don't really know much about the timing of rooster crows. I'm just sure it isn't always at dawn.

Another strange chicken activity I saw recently--day before yesterday?--was a chicken frolicking with a rabbit. It was a white, pet rabbit. They looked so Easter-ish together.

annual meeting survived

Tonight was the annual meeting at my place of worship. It was very long. Afterward, our reward was vanilla ice cream.

bird watching

Today I went to the garden to do some gardening, and there was a hawk by the first pond, eating something. I gave it some space. An hour later when I walked by that pond again, it was still there eating, or maybe it was eating something new.

bookstore

This afternoon I worked a shift at the Vedanta bookstore. It was very quiet. I put price tags on a bunch of incense, and the prices varied by flavor within the same brand. It was all Indian Temple Incense, but, for example, Musk costs more than Lilac. I'm thinking that the prices reflect how difficult each variety is to produce. Then I talked on the phone with Erik and my mom and read a zine to review for Zine World. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. Zero customers.

I decided I'm going to take all my new medication starting Monday night. I'm finally ready. Seeing the nurse the other day made me feel so much safer: a nice, smart person has drop-in hours, and I can go to him if I have problems.

winter in the garden

Today I dug lots of holes for more transplanting. It's fun to work with P because we talk while we work. Also, it's just a nice time of year in the garden: quiet, not hot, no mosquitoes. Just peaceful feelings in the afternoon light. I listen to roosters crowing in the distance, and squirrels scamper nearby. The plants we're working with I found boring at first, but I'm starting to see them as beautiful.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Erik did some really helpful cleaning while I was gone, and then I freecycled some old sewing books I'd had just sitting in the pile in the living room for months. It feels good to have them gone. I don't even sew--they were in with a bunch of books I got from another freecycler.

Now we're eating pasta with pine nuts. He's hiking again tomorrow with T at Pt Reyes, and they're going to look at tidepools.

It's been a dry, cold winter so far.

speedy delivery

This morning after worship I chatted with friends and then took the pot of coffee down to the bookstore, and guess who was working there? The woman who retired yesterday. Old habits.

"You don't look like you retired!" I said.

"Oh, well, I am!" she said.

"I guess you retired a little bit."

"I retired from responsibility," she said.

"I've heard that's the best way," I said. "So now it's only for fun."

"Yes," she said.

satsang is Saturdays

One of the two women who run the bookstore at Vedanta is retiring, so today the usual Saturday morning satsang was in honor of her. Someone made her favorite foods for snack, we all signed a card, and she was given a present (but she didn't take it out of the bag, so I don't know what it was--I suspect a shawl). Swami said nice things about her. She was smiling and happy.

The readings were on Martin Luther King Jr and Gandhi. The woman retiring (who is Indian and more than 80 years old) told us how she touched Gandhi's feet a long time ago after a prayer meeting he held in India.

Someone brought two big boxes of fresh oranges from their tree, to give away, and I took plenty.

Last night I was half an hour late to Samiti, but it was good. Today Erik's hiking with his friend T somewhere near San Rafael.

I took a sun bath. Kitty's being demanding and moody. He licked my thumb.

BREAD IS GOOD

Today I had a meeting with Swami in the library. We talked for half an hour. I found out Vedanta's stance on abortion (that it's up the individual) and homosexuality (there is no stance at all), so I can move forward. I asked about some translations of particular words, and about fine points of contention, like whether Holy Mother is really considered an avatar, and what the significance is, of avatars, in a non-dualistic religion. I think he's learning to communicate with me, and how to see me as I am, which is good.

He forgot the things he told me to do last year, so I didn't get in trouble for not doing them. And I think being young, I'm given extra license. Maybe he doesn't think much of me, so there's no urgency.

Then I went to the Safeway across the street, intent on buying a dozen eggs, but I changed my mind and bought a loaf of bread instead. For lunch, I had a cheese sandwich, and it was really, really good. All of us who have bread are so lucky to have this miracle substance.

At the puja last night, coincidentally, the three men who usually sing in the choir were all absent, so it was a women's choir.

I have "The Transfiguration" by Sufjan Stevens in my head, and I was lying in bed with Kitty in the sunlight.