scarf

pagan pride

political prisoner letter writing night

goodbye to September

Today's Las Vegas's annual Pagan Pride.  Nevada Desert Experience has a community table.  We will talk to people all day, is the idea.  I'll need some breaks, though.

I'm worried about being confronted by angry military pagans who think we shouldn't be there.  I wish I'd prepared some soundbites.

It's going to be a long day.  We're serving the hungry then meeting then setting up at Pagan Pride then tabling all day.

September's one of my favorite months, but it's time to bid it a fond farewell.  October's good too.

new zine

dangerous compassions

Well, I survived the doctor.  I had to listen to a little kid lose their shit through the wall, when my blood pressure was being taken, and then again when I was talking to the doctor.  I don't know who was doing what to which little kids, but they weren't happy.

That's when compassion gets dangerous.

doctor trauma

I feel better now, but I have to go to the doctor today.  It happens every three months.  It's kind of torture: go there, wait forever, get weighed.  Blood pressure.  Wait more.  Finally see the doctor, the midwife psychiatric nurse, and talk to her who smiles and clicks checkboxes on her computer and types things in.

She's nice.  Why do I hate it so much?  I think it's the continual threat of her talking about my weight.  I have baggage about that! to say the least.  Doctor trauma.

Also today we have our weekly peace vigil at the federal building.  I like it, like doing time sort of, spiritual practice.  "I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things." --Mother Teresa

attention

I feel blah, uncreative, spent.  I want attention but don't know how to get it.  I'm not sure what to do.  I guess I'll write a blog post.

Ming's eating corn for breakfast.  Yesterday at community lunch my friend made fried rice but half the rice was actually cauliflower.  It was great.

When the sun comes up over Freedom House and shines in my eyes...

Listening to the Cure on youtube.  Went for a short walk this morning.  I have therapy at 10.  Tonight's a permaculture thing.

I don't feel like doing anything.  When kids want attention, a lot of the time they'll misbehave.  I don't know what the equivalent would be.

love you

Yesterday we went to Red Rock overlook and held hands and kissed.  Ming went for a little walk while I dozed in the car and listened to tourists say stupid things.

Then we ran a couple errands.  I made up a joke.

How many Catholic Workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it requires a period of discernment.

Catholic Workers are always talking about discernment.  Maybe you had to be there!

selfie

A

peace pole Peace Camp

Shadow Children 2017

goddess temple, wildlife refuge, veggie burgers

We went to the goddess temple with our friend A.  I sang in the temple and went for a walk while the guys went to Peace Camp to look for Shadow Children.

The good news is that they found them.  Ming has pics.  Maybe I can show you some.

I enjoyed all that singing.  Then we three sang together.  We sang much of "Ya Devi" and it was fantastic.  We sang "Prakratim Paramam" which is my favorite song.

Then we walked around a lot.  It was A's first time there.  In the center of the labyrinth I found a trilobite which I gave to Ming.

A and I talked a lot and enjoyed life.  The weather was perfect, sweatshirt weather.

We went to Cactus Springs.  A wanted to see how deep it was, so he got a stick and we measured it.  Then there was a huge cottonwood tree A wanted to climb, but there were bees in it.

Then we went to the Desert Wildlife Refuge.  A drove.  He went fast.  We walked around the visitor's center and looked at things and then went outside to see the spring there.

Then we went to Red Robin.  It was fun to talk.  I got lots of affection too.

Then we took A home.  We had spent nearly 11 hours with him.  It was a good day.

holy shit

Today was one big adventure.  I will tell you about it later or tomorrow.

vigil today

cruelty free

Lots has happened today.  The lowlight was a peace vigil at Creech attended by two people: me and Ming.  I felt so vulnerable standing there, and annoyed.

A highlight was when I was talking to my peeps at Saturday meeting.  I felt surrounded by love.

Later we're going to a party.  Then is radical mental health collective.  We'll see who shows!

I'm eating leftover vegan birthday cake.  It's delicious.  R outdid himself.

look away

My friend D gave me this for my birthday.  She made it.  This is her art.  She used to be vegan, so I don't much get the skull thing.

from the menu

bday pics

party reportback

On facebook 17 people said they'd come to my party.  Guess how many of them actually came?  Nine of them.  Then a couple people came who didn't rsvp.  So there were about a dozen of us.

The most fun was when we were singing R's songs together.  It was a wonderful joy.

The least fun was when V started crying and I didn't know why.  Also Pace e Bene house was too hot inside and we did the cake there.

R baked me a beautiful cake--two cakes, really, vanilla in one layer and chocolate in the other.  It was vegan too--I guess it still is.  We have leftovers.

Then everyone left and then two more people came--J, who I don't know so well, and A.  We ended up going out to Ethiopian food for diner with A.  Then he stayed here till 2:30 am.  We drank tea, he massaged me and Ming, we talked, he pet cats.  It was windy out.

The other friend, J, his battery died and we gave him a jump.

It was fun and a learning experience.  Today I'm tired, which is to be expected.

happy birthday

The day is finally here, the day of my party.  I made a list of who I know will be here and a list of all the people who are maybes.  The maybe list is very long.  So there's a lot of uncertainty.  Mystery.

Listening to Sufjan Stevens.  We're going out to the goddess temple this morning to walk in the desert and sing.  I'm eating one of my favorite foods: leftover soyrizo rice, from yesterday.  And I have tea.

Thanks to Mom for carrying, birthing, and caring for me.  Thanks to Ming for supporting me and helping me have the best five years of my life.  Thanks to my bestie for a good 27 years of friendship.  And to everyone else who helped or helps.  I love you.

youtube

I listen to music on youtube a lot.  Talking Heads' "Once in a Lifetime" has 21 million views.  That was blowing my mind.  Such a creative song with important ideas and in the cannon has had that many people listening to it.

Then I saw Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer" has 50 million plays.  Wow.

nature

I've been writing a lot of poems lately.  I've been having a lot of feelings.  It's good to get them and feel them then let them pass through.

Yesterday we went downtown.  Ming told me one of my favorite murals had been painted over.  I was sad.  It was the one with the bunnies and lady with an umbrella.  It was a weird mural because the people seemed to be lounging around in bed, but it was raining.

Anyway, gone, but I remember it.  I txted my friend A who said, Man, I thought the murals were supposed to be protected.  Guess not.

This morning Ming is going out to breakfast then for a walk with friends.  I'm making lunch for eight.  But he will be home in time to do veg prep, hopefully.

It's windy.  And it's supposed to be windy tomorrow too, which may blow my party out of the courtyard.  Nature!  What are you gonna do.

what are Mario's overalls made of?

Again, my friend never made it last night.  Again, he's promised to come today.  I wanted to go to the goddess temple early this morning but told A that I'd be home...so we're not going to the goddess temple.  I'm drinking ginger pear white tea and listening to Los Campesinos' debut album.

Yesterday we went to Fry's.  I still get a little thrill from the place.  I remember it was a mecca for my coworkers at the software store who would go to Fry's whilst visiting Los Angeles.

Wow, I never said whilst before.  What's gotten into me?

Anyway, we were looking for a couplea things.  Found them.  What was I going to tell you about that?  I was in the bathroom and missed the whole checkout process.

I have this joke I'm telling everyone but the punchline is something you need to hear, so it was a good excuse to have a phonecall with a Sacramento friend yesterday.  I had never talked with him on the phone recreationally before.  It was a trip.  We said we loved one another at the end and it felt casual and natural.  As if we had talked on the phone scores of times before.

Last night I was up late listening to the radio because A asked me to--we txted.  I called him a missionary.  I ended up writing a poem based on something they were talking about in the radioshow.  But overall my feeling is no.  The guys were, uh, too dude-ish.  They were dudes and then almost all the experts they called in were dudes, and it felt very unbalanced and like I didn't belong.

I'm here in my nightgown thinking of breakfast and feeling pleased by the coolness of morning.  And there you go--Bob's your uncle.

I'm the only one who knows / that Disneyland's about to close

Ming bought me these sugarfree Red Vines and I love them.  They bring me back to Paul Nelson pool when I was a kid and Mom would give me candy money.  I think the Red Vines were five for a quarter.



They also make me think of "Cigarettes and Red Vines" by Aimee Mann.

And I have to think about Red Vines vs Twizzlers.  Twizzlers were shinier and slicker.  Which came first?  Some people somewhere have strong opinions about this.

a mystery

Chowing down on cereal.  I was up early, before 5.   I like putting extra nuts in my cereal.

Last night my friend A was going to come over but didn't make it.  Now we're trying for today.  We talked on the phone for half an hour.  He likes to talk to me about the Gita.  Last night he said something new when I asked why he likes Krishna so much.  I had been wondering for a while.

Then I asked if he had ever read Franny & Zooey because the way Franny had a mental health crisis related to the Jesus prayer seemed pertinent to the mantras we were talking about.

Yesterday I chatted with my friend L in England and he was in so much emotional pain it was like he was in another dimension.  I couldn't reach him.  He was monologueing in bits.  All the things he said I had heard him say before.  He was stuck.

I'm glad I'm not stuck.  My friend R was talking about needing to move on and try new things.  I remember when Ming and I moved here it was a big leap.  How long we will stay is a mystery.  I intended to stay in Sacramento for just a couple years.  I was there more than ten.  Twelve, maybe.

I remember when we came here people wanted to know how long we'd stay.  We made a year commitment then another.  Now it seems like we're just staying, as this is our home now.  But the funny thing is it always seemed like that to me.  I always thought we'd stay a long time but fear commitments.

Which is weird because I'm so committed.  I feel loyal.  Well, some would disagree.

worker rhymes

friend:  What are you writing lately?
me:  You're not going to believe what I'm writing lately!
friend:  Okay, what?
me:  Raps!
friend:  You mean like rap music?

It's a project I started this morning of writing rhymes for the LV Catholic Workers.  It's supposed to be funny.

Red

Would you like to hear this song I'm mentioning?  The lyrics are beautiful.

sing into my mouth

I'm listening to these songs, listening to my friends' songs--R's song "Red" I have the lyrics, so I try to sing along.  There are a lot of words and almost nothing repeats, so it's hard to memorize, but I'm trying.

This morning I danced and ate avocado toast then served the hungry.  I did handtowels, a good job to do.  Then we went to Red Rock and walked around outside the visitor's center.  There was some art with "please do not climb" all over it.

Then I sat at a picnic table for an hr while Ming hiked.  I felt I was getting somewhere, in the letter I was writing, and I will pick it back up, if I can take a break from this music.

Then we went to Trader Joe's and bought some snax for tomorrow's Radical Mental Health Collective meeting.  And juice.  Ghost chips that are supposed to be hot.

I was eating them and told Ming, "They forgot to put the heat in this bag."  But he ate some and said any hotter and they'd be inedible.  "My mouth is different from your mouth," I said.

pretty letter

birthday amethyst

music promises, dog tolerance, bar panic, Cornish food, what crazy means

Hey, friends.  It's almost my birthday.  My friend R is supposed to play a set, and my friend V is supposed to come and play too.  I hope it's a fun night for a lot of people.

Last night we visited A at his apartment.  And his dogs Clara, Buttons, and Wolf Mother.  And his cat Padfoot.  The dogs are a lot for me to put up with.  But eventually I pet them.

A showed us books, played music for us, talked with us as it got dark.  I borrowed a Carlos Castaneda book.  I had heard of him but never read him.  I read the first page and a half there, but it was too dark to see well.

I wanted to dance but never got inspired.

I didn't get a massage, but it was soul nourishing anyway.  I liked the eye contact, body language, and hugs.  Oh, we played with a singing bowl.   I was happy to make it sing.

Then Ming and I went to this zine release party.  It was at a bar and awkward.  The band was so loud.  I was worried it was damaging my hearing, but there was something appealing about the vibrations hitting my body.  We were supposed to meet R there but he arrived an hour and a half after we left.

I got to buy the zine and it was fun to do something really different though I just about panicked right before we walked in.  "A narcoleptic and a schizophrenic walk into a bar."  Doesn't it sound like a joke?

Then we went to Cornish Pasty where I got mushroom, spinach, walnut soup and bread with extra bread, what a deal.  Ming got the Veggie Oggie and some baked beans.  It was kind of dark there and I enjoyed the tunes.

Now I'm up in the middle of the night.  I have to agonize over my social interactions, like at the bar where I met a couple people and drank my grapefruit juice through a thin black straw, txting with my friend A about faults and language and what crazy means.

yerba buena

Yesterday the board meeting was good.  I am getting better and better at them.  More relaxed.

Then we went out to Ethiopian food, all the people who were at the meeting, all six of us.

Something funny happened.  Our friend told us the story of his daughter K's birth.  So I txted K and told her, "Your dad just told us the story of your birth!"  So then K called him and said, "I hear you're telling the story of my birth!"  Then we passed around the phone and all talked to K, who is a sweet lady.

This morning we took our friend to the airport.  We left here at 5.  It was fine.  Then Ming went to serve the hungry, and I emailed a friend and went outside to look at clouds.  R happened to be outside about to leave for the Worker.  We hugged and it was nice.

Then I went to the garden, looking for a better cloudview, and decided to dig around for yerba buena--found some!  Made tea.

I was voted interim convener of the council and have a few new duties.  So I better keep on top of it.  First I need to type up the notes from yesterday.

good morning

Oatmeal with blueberries in it is really good.

Today's the NDE board meeting.  Not much is required of me.  Still I'm nervous.

I wanna tell you something beautiful.  Good morning.

clouds

Sometimes I think, well, I said everything.  But then it's a new day and time to blog again.  It's a good practice.

This morning some friends left on a tour of the test site.  Ming will be gone all day without a phone.  Our friend from out of town came last night and he made breakfast.  I ate some oatmeal with blueberries in it.

Then V came over.  I was talking to R outside.  We shot the shit for a while then I asked if we could play music.  They taught me how to play their songs.  I can sorta play "Citizens of the World" now on uke, my favorite song.  It's got E minor which is kind of a hard one for me, a new one.

I've been looking at the clouds, crying, and pretending I'm not crying.  I even took a picture of the clouds, but who do I send it to?

ritual

Today I got arrested at the test site.  We drove out to Mercury and prayed.  Then we processed to the line where Johnnie Bobb spoke truth to power in his beautiful way.  Then we held hands and prayed again.  The sheriff from Nye County held hands with us as we prayed.  That never happened before.  I almost cried.

Then Ming and I crossed the line.  There were so few of us they didn't want to open the pens.  Three of us got arrested--me, Ming, and R.  It was beautiful.  There were six total protesters and about eight officers.  So they outnumbered us.

I heard my phone chime that I got some txts (my phone was in G's pocket because I was about to cross) and thought it might be my friend A txting me, and sure enough it was.  I was deep in ritual.

He won't come over, and I'm like an animal that's done struggling.  I told him the soup wanted him to eat it.  Poor soup.

speeching

Ming is the best

I'm cooking lunch for 25 people, but not really.  I was told to expect that many, but I bet it'll only be 10.  But I made a ton of lentil soup (two pounds of lentils) and I'm making four cups basmati rice.  And Ming's got the salad together left over from yesterday.

I don't think I'm going out to the test site.  I don't feel well.  I have a headache and no energy.  I figure making lunch is enough.

What are we going to do with all these leftover tomatoes?  The lentil soup smells very good.  Props to Ming for chopping onions, garlic, and carrots.

website wanted

I want to have a website for the LV Radical Mental Health Collective.  Seems important.  But it costs money and I don't have the skillz.  Our friend was supposed to do it, but he's not doing well.  He started.

I was researching these WYSIWYG website-making things but they don't have the kind of forums I want.  Forums seem important, though I'm not sure many of us would use them.  A good option, at least.

So please let me know if you know how to go about this.  I'm lost.

Oh, I could ask my bestie.  But I don't want to create another project for her.  I wonder how hard it would be.

stt cards

My friend created these anarchist and socialist trading cards.  They're cool.  He's selling them today at Justice for Our Desert.

http://sttcards.com

nagdeo

Everything feels a bit outta whack.  It's our big fall event Justice for Our Desert tomorrow.  It's raining steadily this evening.  I'm going back to bed.

I've been anxious.  The event, having extra people around, the speech I'm giving tomorrow on radical mental health, our board meeting on Tuesday.  Death.  The usual things from event season.

Gnight.  Sweet dreams.

some open letters

To the lady on the airplane who freaked out because she had to sit next to me and moved to another seat, saying, "I'm sure you're a nice person and everything"--have you never had to ride in a crowded bus or subway?  Sometimes we have to touch strangers.  You won't die from my shoulder brushing yours.  Maybe you never had to ride the bus or subway.  Maybe you always had your own car.

To the lady in Sacramento who yelled at me for crossing the street in a crosswalk as the red hand blinked, which happens after the white man glows--have you never used a crosswalk before?  How can you not understand the difference between a blinking red hand and a solid red hand?  Have you never walked in a city before?  Maybe you always drive.  Maybe you've never had to walk before?

To the spouse who comes home and wants attention while I'm writing--please let me write with minimal interruption.  I will pay attention to you later.  Sorry if I yell.

To the self who blogs every day at dangerouscompassions--it's okay to hold onto anger for years.  If you feel it, don't deny it.  Maybe one day it will dissipate.  Or maybe you let go of so many things every day, those few things that continue to piss you off are the huge examples, and it's okay.  No biggie.  Do your thang.

To the reader who popped by for the first time or has been with me from the beginning--you are loved, you are beautiful.  You're beautiful like a dark red quilty coat on a snowy day, like tea for the tea-starved.  Like the needed hug.

amaranth greens

Ming went to Gilcrease Farms with a friend.  He got some good treats like fresh pear cider, sweet potatoes, amaranth greens, and about ten pears.  Some of the pears look like quinces, though.  I wonder what they really are.  I'm not hungry or I'd try a bite.

I did a very good thing.  I dusted this shelf that has all kind of little things on it.  And I moved some of the stupid things away to other parts of the house.  I was tired of them.  We didn't put them there--they came with the house.

This morning Ming served the hungry and went to get his blood drawn.  I tried to dance and didn't have much motion in my ocean.  But I dusted.  Now it's 8 and I can sing.

Love you all.

happy windsnight

It's windy tonight--it's cooling off too.  Our event Justice for Our Desert--it's only supposed to hit 87 that day, but it's also supposed to thunderstorm.  We're in for it.

Today my friend came over, my friend R.  He confessed to some things I already knew, but it was good to get them out in the open.  He's turning 30 just after Christmas.  "Are you going to have a big party?" I asked.

"What I want to do for my birthday is crawl into a hole and die and come out 30," he said.  He was trying to explain what the traumatic part of turning 30 is.  To sum it up, I think he said the traumatic part is no longer being young.

But he couched it in terms of relating to other people.  That he can't relate to young people as one of them anymore.

Also he thinks he has to have kids now.  "You'd make a great dad," I said.  When he told me I'd make a great mom, I just laughed.

The whole time I was playing uke.

He made a flier for the Radical Mental Health Collective for me.  Let's hope it's printworthy.  I'm concerned it might go too close to the edge.  It's supposed to be $85 for 300 fliers.  That's more than I wanted to pay.  So I asked the printshop what about 200.

Ming is out at a political thing.  I txted him a "when are you coming home?" txt and he said it was still going.

one train may hide another

This is the greatest poem I've read in a while.

https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/one-train-may-hide-another

It kinda reminds me of Sufjan Stevens in that the writer went overboard.  Anyway, it's brilliant.

pizza

The pizza feast continues.

Someone screamed next door.  "That sounded heartfelt," I said.

pizza feast

Gmorning, friend.  How are you?  Today I have written a longish, heartfelt thank you note, corrected something on a flier, packaged up some mail that needs to be forwarded, and enjoyed life.  I am feeling pretty good.  I've been moody lately but I hope that'll even out.

Next I need to put on some happy music and dance.  We have a meeting at 11:30 for the street medics.  I wonder who will show up?

We're making progress on preparing for Justice for Our Desert which is in a week.  Ming is complaining about North Korea.  I need to prepare a 15 minute talk about the Radical Mental Health Collective.  We got a big pizza donation and have been feasting on it.

amethyst

I want a hunk of amethyst.  I have wanted one for a long time.  I cleaned my desk and made a place for it.  Maybe tomorrow we'll go to the rockshop.

This morning we went to the Catholic Worker to serve, wash dishes, and meet.  Then we grocery shopped.  Then we went back to the Worker to housesit for a few hours.  I went up to the prayer room to play ukulele and sing.

I also wrote a bunch of letters.  I also txted with Mom.  There's a heatwave where she lives and it's too hot.  At least we here have swamp coolers.  All she's got is a fan.

also

Did I already tell you this?

me:  I wish there was a John Dobson scholar I could talk to about what John Dobson meant when he said everyone should look through telescopes to sidestep their genetic programming.

Ming:  I think you ARE the John Dobson scholar.

ocd

"You don't have to beg for mercy because mercy doesn't make you beg," is a line I like a lot from Devan Phenix's new album.

"The voice on the phone is very pleasant--it's a robot," is another favorite line.

But I wanted to tell you a funny conversation.

A rinses a dish and fork and puts them in the dishdrainer.  "Nonononono," I say.

"What Ming doesn't know won't hurt him," A says.

"But he does know," I say.  "He keeps track."

"Did he re-wash that pan I washed last time?" A asks.

"How did you know?" I say.

"I washed the shit outta that thing!"

sing forever

This morning Ming woke me up at 4:30, crawling into bed with me, and I was like, "What time is it?"  So I got up and made breakfast and took a shower.  Posted pics.

Then we drove out to the goddess temple.  We walked in the desert then visited with the priestess.  She made us tea.

Then we went to the temple where I sang until my voice gave out.  It only takes 20 min or so, which is unfortunate.  "I wish I could sing forever," I told Ming.

There was no guestbook.  Ming said it's now a guessbook.

Then we got burritos at a Roberto's.  I decided that eating at a gas station is depressing.  Live and learn.

yesterday's peace vigil at the Las Vegas federal building